Head Down

◤thirty three◢

"You knew."

"Knew what?"

Instead of an answer, Donghyuck dumps the box of letters onto the couch next to Jaemin.

Jaemin feels bile rise up his throat.

"Donghyuck—"

"It's a shame, since I really liked you, Jaemin."

"Well that sounds more sinister than it needs to be," Jaemin chuckles nervously, lifting himself up from his seated position on the couch. The letters crumple and fall onto the couch after him, and he's tentatively making his way towards Donghyuck. "You're not really mad at me, are you?"

Jaemin knows that Donghyuck would be irritated if he found out the whole poem thing was premeditated, and that Jaemin was in on it without telling him anything, and it's rational to be mad at first. He knows that. But it's irrational, however, to stay mad when Donghyuck knows that Mark is his best friend.

"And if I am?" Donghyuck counters, sizing up to Jaemin. It's ridiculous, because Jaemin is significantly taller than Donghyuck and more built, but Donghyuck's never given a shit about size when it was the fire that mattered. "You lied to me."

"I didn't lie," Jaemin immediately retaliates. "He's my best friend and this was a favour he asked of me. It was supposed to be a secret, and it's not my secret to tell."

"Set your priorities straight, Na," Donghyuck seethes, coming up close to Jaemin's face. "Shouldn't have stuck around if you didn't give a shit about me in the first place."

"Don't victimize yourself," Jaemin growls, acutely aware of how he had this conversation with Mark not long ago. "You're my friend, I give more than just a shit about you. A plan to win you back, of course it hard to be kept a secret from you. What did you think?"

"Keeping secrets from me," Donghyuck ridicules. "'Win me back'." He mocks. "Just say my feelings were under other people's. You'll save your breath."

"That's not true—"

"Why are you lying?" Donghyuck intervenes. "Compared to my feelings, regardless of the relationship we've built, Mark's will always top mine. Jeno's will always top mine. Your own will always top mine. Who are you trying to fool? Yourself?"

"This is a complex," Jaemin says quietly, once realization hits. "You have a problem—"

"Like we didn't know that!" The older boy barks out sarcastically.

"No. Let me finish, you bastard. Your complex is that you don't want to believe anyone. How many times does someone have to say something before you even take it into consideration?" He asks, raising an incriminating eyebrow. It's not that he wants to be harsh to Donghyuck just for the heck of it, but he knows that Donghyuck needs to hear it.

When Donghyuck doesn't answer, Jaemin knows he hit his soft spot.

"When Taeil and Youngho told you about the divorce—" Jaemin ignores how Donghyuck sucks in a sharp breath. "Jen said it took a year for you to accept it. When he broke up with you, when Youngho said he was going to marry—"

"Stop it! I understand, okay!" Donghyuck yells, not wanting to listen to whatever Jaemin had to say. It hurts, even after all this time, to hear. In the back of his mind, he guesses Jaemin is right. If the mere thought still affects him this much, he must've not accepted it. Must've not gotten over it. "Kill me slowly if you just want to hurt me."

"Donghyuck," Jaemin calls, voice now softer and all maliciousness gone from his tone. He takes two steps forwards to take Donghyuck in his arms, hugging around his waist and resting his chin on his shoulder. "I don't want to hurt you. I just think that sometimes you need to hear some harsh words. I love you Donghyuck, you're one of my closest friends. And I'm sorry if keeping this secret from you hurt you, but you have to understand where I'm coming from as well." He explains quietly.

"It's hard," Donghyuck admits, voice equally as quiet when he speaks. He hugs around Jaemin's torso, letting himself be held by his friend. "I don't understand other people. If it's not what I want to hear, it's hard to get it through my head. I guess you're right, in that sense. I guess I do have a complex." He chuckles sorrowfully.

Silence consumes the both of them for a while, both of them letting each other's words sink in.

Jaemin feels Donghyuck squeeze him tighter before he speaks.

"I didn't want to believe Mark hyung when he said we weren't friends." He admits, feeling his emotions run high from the mere mention of the topic. At least now he knows what that means. He takes a shaky breath as he finally says what he's been bottling up since that horrendous evening. "It hurts."

"Oh Donghyuck," Jaemin sighs, hugging the older boy tighter when he feels his body start to shake in his arms. "It's okay to cry."

"I miss him," Donghyuck admits, hating how ugly his voice sounds, wet and wracked with sobs. "I want him back, Jaemin." He continues, getting his snot and tears all over Jaemin's, which vaguely looks like Jeno's, hoodie. "Does he love me back?" He asks.

Jaemin doesn't want to tell Donghyuck the truth before Mark even has a chance to answer and explain things for himself, so he just pats a steady rhythm on Donghyuck's back and rocks them side to side as he ponders on his words.

"Mark thinks about you a lot," he settles on saying. "So much, that he writes poems about you."

"They're lovely," Donghyuck comments, and Jaemin smiles a bit. Donghyuck seems to have calmed down a little bit, lulled by Jaemin's tactics.

"I know. And he wanted you to know how beautiful you are, Donghyuck, inside and out. Think about that."

It goes quiet for a minute or two again, until Donghyuck starts crying in Jaemin's arms again.

But the younger doesn't mind. He's happy to be here for Donghyuck, hard headed and opinionated Donghyuck, in a moment like this. A moment of realization, a moment of acceptance.

And most importantly, in Jaemin's eyes,
a moment of weakness.

Everyone has a weakness.

And everyone needs a moment alone with their weakness.