Head Down

◤fifty two◢

It's silent and awkward as he makes his way out the front door. The atmosphere around them is thick with tension, and it's borderline suffocating.

Hot shame crawls through both their bodies, embarrassment and ugly mixing into a horrid combination, plaguing their hearts black and bitter.

Despite both knowing that they were on a time limit, that they didn't have the luxury to stand in front of each other in silence, that's exactly what they do. They refrain from making eye contact with each other, and somehow, they both know that the only thing replaying itself in their brains is Donghyuck's words.

"I'll divorce her," Youngho says quietly, still looking down at the ground like it was the most beautiful thing. "And I'll leave the house to her too."

"You think she'll want the house?" Taeil snarls, not really intending for the first thing he said to be negative, it just played out that way. "After everything she knows happened in it?"

"What the hell do you want me to do then?" Youngho asks, and it comes out louder than he intended it too. He's finally looking at the other now, at the way his mouth is set into a thin line and the way his jaw is tense.

"Maybe you shouldn't have married her in the first place." Taeil says quietly, using every fibre in his being to look Youngho dead in the eyes. "Marriages based off of lies never last."

It's the tone he uses, the way his statement sounds somewhat accusatory, that makes Youngho's ears ring and vision turn red.

"You think I lied to you?" He spits, getting more and more defensive and aggressive as the seconds tick by. "You think I lied when I said I wanted to raise my son with you? When I proposed, married you? Lived with you for sixteen years?" Youngho is angry at this point, can feel the blood boiling in his veins, can feel the hot rush of anger flood through his entire body.

He hates how he can't see and change of expression or emotion on Taeil's face.

"Can you blame me?" Taeil asks, keeping his voice as calm as it had been before. He blames it on years and years of controlling his emotions around seeing Donghyuck and Youngho at work everyday. Youngho, however, hates how he can't read Taeil like he used to. "When you think back on it, can you really blame me?"

Youngho doesn't say anything, and Taeil knows it's because he's right.

"Divorce her," he adds, scoffing, finally showing some emotion. "See if I care."

"You do care," the other immediately says, glaring hard as he stares directly into Taeil's eyes. "You care a lot."

"I don't give a fuck," Taeil spits, glare equally as harsh as he makes a point to burn the taller with his eyes.

"If you didn't, you wouldn't have showed up that day. Wouldn't have let this all happen." Youngho contradicts, and this time, the way Taeil stays quiet helps him know that he's right.

Before he can think it over, the words are tumbling out of his mouth. It's years worth of pent up feelings and emotions, years worth of frustration with himself and Taeil.

"Pathetic, don't you think? To go back to your ex husband so easily."

Taeil sees red.

"Oh yeah? That's pathetic? How about cheating on your wife, who you claim to love? How about ruining family for a boy you had no business getting involved with? How about tainting love for your own son?" Taeil has venom in his voice as he speaks, has all the anger and sadness that he's been waiting many, gruesome, long years to expel from his body. "How about divorcing your husband of fourteen years simply because you wanted a job?"

"You know it wasn't like that!" Youngho is aggressive with the way he yells, with the way he looks at Taeil with this unmatched anger on his face. "I wanted a life for Donghyuck, something he could be proud to live! I wasn't going to get that unless I married a woman."

"And is he?" Taeil asks, back to sounding soft. Back to Youngho being unable to gage at what he's feeling. "Is he proud of his selfish father? The dad who couldn't be in his life anymore? The stepbrother he was in love with? The stepmom he knows his father is unfaithful towards?"

Taeil's words cut like knives, but somewhere deep inside Youngho, past all the irrational emotions he's feeling, he knows that he deserves words that kill him.

"What is wrong with you?" Taeil continues. "Are you proud of what you've done? At least I can say I've earned a job as a calculus professor at the best university in Korea, but what can you say after ripping apart not one, but two families, and tarnishing an entire school?"

When Youngho doesn't say anything, Taeil laughs, and it's a bit too condescending for the other's liking. Not that he has a say, but still.

"The man you are today, Seo Youngho," he praises sarcastically. "Divorce her, she doesn't deserve this. Leave this place, Jeno doesn't deserve the see you anymore. And Donghyuck, certainly doesn't either."

"But he deserves to see you?" Youngho barks back, having Taeil cock up an eyebrow.

"I already left, Youngho. Because unlike you, I can acknowledge when to stop," he says bitterly, seething at this point as he crosses his arms over his chest.

"Do you think you're better than me in this?" Youngho fires, taking a step closer to Taeil. "Why do you talk as if you're so high and mighty? We're both fucked up, and you shouldn't be so afraid to admit it."

"You know what you shouldn't be afraid to admit?" Taeil asks, voice bordering on a growl as he also takes a step closer to Youngho. "That you like men too."

Youngho freezes, and somewhere beneath all the anger, sadness and frustration he's feeling, Taeil wonders if he's gone too far. He wonders if this has done it, and he wonders what Youngho would do.

"I'm not," he whispers, not realizing how close they've stepped to each other until he looks into Taeil's eyes, noting that they're closer to his than he expected.

Taeil doesn't expect the answer, but he admits that his heart feels lighter at the revelation.

"Good," he whispers back. Despite knowing better, despite himself, Taeil let's the next words slip past his lips. "I'm proud of you."

"You know," Youngho says, keeping his voice soft. "It shouldn't matter, that you're proud of me." He says, and Taeil hates the way something sinks inside of him. He presses his lips together in a tighter thin line, and he steels his expression, not wanting to let anything slip, not wanting to be seen as vulnerable around him. Youngho, however, catches onto the slight shift on Taeil's face. He grins a little, despite himself. "It does, though. It matters to me."

"You were never one to hide," Taeil mumbles, looking into the eyes which once held his home, held his heart and held his soul. It terrifies him, that after all these years, the familiarity is still there. "But you were also never one to do all the things you've done. I guess I don't know you anymore."

Youngho dares to take half a step closer, dares to let his eyes fleet down to Taeil's lips. He knows he doesn't have the right to, he knows he shouldn't after all these years, he knows he shouldn't after everything he's said to Taeil, everything he's done to Taeil.

But he still does, because humans are selfish. He's selfish. He's so, so selfish.

"Would you like to?" He asks, finally looking back up to Taeil's eyes. "Get to know me?"

He's spent years putting Youngho over himself, and once he'd finally taken the step back to continue in another direction, to focus on himself, he finds himself right back at square one.

Taeil doesn't hesitate with his answer.

"I don't want who you've become." He's particular with his wording, and he hopes that Youngho catches onto it.

He does.

"Would you like to find me?" He rewords his questions and for some reason, this one sounds more appealing.

Taeil takes in a deep breath before he answers.

In the back of his head, he acknowledges how Donghyuck was right when he said that they deserve each other.

"I would."