Head Down

◤thirty four◢

"Breathe."

"It's a force of habit."

"What— Anyways. In and out, okay?"

"You grew up eating In-N-Out, right? California raised—"

"Jeno," Jaemin frowns. "Honey, what's up with you?" He asks softly.

Jeno sighs, seeming defeated, and he sits down on the couch in Jaemin's living room. It's a Tuesday morning, and Jeno had come over to walk Jaemin to school. But he'd been acting a bit strange, which lead to this conversation.

Before speaking, Jeno wraps his arms around Jaemin's waist, pressing his cheek to the latter's stomach.

"I've just been thinking about today," he starts, and Jaemin plays with his hair as a silent way to encourage him to keep talking. "You know it's a big day right?"

"Of course," Jaemin answers.

Today, is the day Mark is finally going to confront and talk to Donghyuck, one on one. Regardless of if the latter wanted to or not: Mark wanted to, and he needed to get his feelings off of his chest. It's been suffocating him, and it's for both their benefits if the situation is dealt with sooner than later.

After much deliberation, and much more convincing from both Jeno and Jaemin, Mark had devised a plan in which he gets Donghyuck alone, recites a rehearsed paragraph to convince him to stay, and then proceed to talk all their feelings out.

Big day indeed.

"It's a big day and... You—" Jeno mumbles, breath catching as he switches from pressing his cheek against Jaemin's stomach to pressing his forehead against his stomach instead. "You love me, right?"

"Oh Jen," Jaemin coos, unable to resist the smile which comes onto his face. "I love you very much. You're a special boy, Jeno."

Before Jaemin can get out more praise, however, he feels his shirt get wet, and is immediately concerned by the sniffles he hears in the quiet air around them.

"Hey," he calls, moving his hands down to cup Jeno's cheeks. "What's wrong honey? Can you look at me?" He continues asking softly, slowly kneeling down onto the floor until he was eye level with the older boy. Jeno has tears continuously leaking out of his eyes, has his eyes pinched together so that he wouldn't have to look at Jaemin.

He's never felt this vulnerable around the younger boy.

"Precious boy," Jaemin mutters, using his thumbs to wipe away at Jeno's cascading tears. "Look at me, lovely."

Slowly, but surely, Jeno opens his eyes, taking a while to stare blankly at Jaemin before his vision refocuses, and he sees the concern marring his boyfriend's features. His eyelashes are clumped together with the aid of his tears, and seeing Jaemin's perfect and pretty face sends another batch stinging behind his eyes.

God, Jaemin was just so pretty. Jeno loves pretty.

"What happened Jeno?" Jaemin ends up asking, glad that the older boy has calmed down. "You can tell me."

Jeno takes a deep breath, bringing one hand up to hold Jaemin's, which is against his cheek.

"Remember when I broke Donghyuck's heart?" He asks in a mumble. "When I broke up with him?"

"Yeah," Jaemin easily answers, using his other hand, the one Jeno wasn't holding, to rub at his nape comfortingly. "I do."

"You know how he hasn't been the same since?" Jeno continues to ask, making an icky feeling settle low in Jaemin's stomach. Granted, he doesn't know where this conversation is going, but he doesn't like the self deprecating route it seems to be following one bit.

"Jeno—"

"And y'know how Mark did the same thing? How he broke Donghyuck's heart?" Jeno continues, cutting Jaemin off. He squeezes onto the latter's hand tighter, and lets his eyes squeeze shut once more as well.

"Honey, I don't understand where you're going with this—"

"How come I couldn't fix it?"

Silence follows Jeno's question.

"How come I couldn't fix Donghyuck's broken heart instead of brushing over it? Instead of replacing our romantic relationship with a sibling relationship, with no closure?" He continues, seeming more and more defeated with each word that leaves his mouth. "Am I that pathetic?"

"Jeno stop," Jaemin says sternly, features turned hard now. "You are not pathetic, and you are not considered lesser for not knowing how to deal with the situation. You were both young and neither of you could've made the right decisions given your circumstances." He says wholeheartedly.

"Watching him move on and watching Mark make the same mistakes I did but knowing how to fix them..." he says. "Why do I always fuck up?" He ends up groaning, moving his head out of Jaemin's hold and burying his face into his own hands.

"Hey," Jaemin chastises. "Jeno, you do not always fuck up—"

"Jaemin, before we started dating I almost beat you within an inch of your life," Jeno interrupts, chucking humourlessly. "I let you get bullied, consciously! Who the fuck am I to even be here with you right now—"

Jeno gets cut off by Jaemin hugging him around his shoulders, and by the erratic breathing of the younger in his ear.

"Stop," he whispers. "Stop, stop, please." He insists, holding onto Jeno tighter. "Don't talk about yourself like that Jeno, please don't talk about us like that. I love you. We may have not started conventionally, but that's what makes us us. The crazy and stupid story of how we met. I love you."

"I love you too," Jeno mutters, finally wrapping his own arms around Jaemin. "I'm sorry—"

"Don't apologize," Jaemin emphasizes. "It's okay. But just know Lee Jeno, that for me, there is no one more perfect out there in the world. Whatever you've done in the past is in the past. No matter what you did, no matter who are and no matter what you'll do in the future, doesn't make you lesser. I choose you. I love you, my sweet boy."

Jeno thinks the world was too gracious when it handed him Jaemin.