Head Down

◤forty eight◢

Donghyuck knocks on the door. He knows who's on the other side, and as he hears scrambling, he doesn't feel anything. It's not painful. It's not gut wrenching. It's not bitter.

He just doesn't feel anything. He honestly doesn't know if that's worse or better.

"Could you back in a minute?" Youngho's voice rings from the other side, and Donghyuck wants to scoff.

So he does.

"No. I can't. Youngho, Taeil, just open the door." He tries to sound firm, tries to sound like he's not internally losing his shit and panicking at the prospect of seeing them together in the bedroom. The bedroom where his stepmom sleeps. With the sheets probably ruffled and the air smelling like sex.

He doesn't hear anything after what he said, doesn't hear the rustling of bedsheets or even the slightest peep.

Donghyuck guesses they must feel outed. At least they have that much decency.

The silence doesn't last though, and Youngho is opening the door soon enough.

Donghyuck makes brief eye contact with his dad, and he doesn't give himself enough time to analyze or gage at what emotions Youngho is feeling. He doesn't want to be deterred from what he's come here to say.

His entire life, Donghyuck's been trapped under his dad. It may not seem like it at all, what with the way he stands up for himself and loves who he loves, makes the decisions on who to cherish and who to not cherish on his own. He's independent from his dad, he doesn't listen to him all the time, he doesn't obey to every single rule.

But he's still putty whenever Youngho speaks to him softly. Whenever Youngho gives him a hug. Whenever Youngho kissed his head. Because although Youngho had been the one to strip Donghyuck's entire life of happiness and freedom, he's his dad. And Donghyuck loves his dad. So much.

He loves his dads. Because in his mind, no matter how long they've been split up, or how fucked they are for each other, no matter how toxic their little family might've grown up to be, Taeil and Youngho are still his dads. They're the people Donghyuck will hold closest to his heart no matter what, for the rest of his life. No matter their mistakes, no matter their morals, no matter how much they fuck up.

Because Donghyuck never knew how to stop loving someone. He could say, that he'll never forgive Youngho. He could say, that he hates Youngho. He could say, that he never wants to see Youngho again.

But he knows it won't be true.

Donghyuck loves his dad.

Which is why he finds getting the words he wants to say out harder than he wanted it to be.

He's choking on his own emotions, he's feeling vulnerable in the presence of the two people he loves the most in the world.

Two people, who look disgusting right now, in Donghyuck's eyes.

Unfaithful.

Disgusting.

Cheater.

Everything Donghyuck hates. Everything he didn't know his dad could become. Everything he didn't know Taeil would encourage.

Everything he doesn't want to be around.

"Don't say anything until I'm done." He establishes first, timid with the way he speaks.

He clears his throat, intent on asserting his feelings about the matter. No matter how hard it is. No matter how much he just wants to run into Taeil's arms and yell (mainly cry) at him for his poor decisions. He didn't think that his first encounter with Taeil after he moved to Seoul would be like this.

"Daddy," Donghyuck starts, turning to Youngho and sucking in a sharp breath at the look of guilt the other throws him. It affects Donghyuck, despite him knowing that his dad should feel guilty. He should feel beyond guilty. "Please divorce Jeno's mom. Tell her the truth. She doesn't deserve what you two have done."

Donghyuck is proud of the way his voice remains even, despite him wanting to burst into tears right then and there.

He takes another breath, turning to the empty space between the two of them.

"Marry my dad again."

Donghyuck can see the way Taeil's eyes fly open out of his peripheral, the way his lips part in, what Donghyuck assumes would be, protest. He holds up a hand before he can say anything though.

"If you say something about reputation, Dad already lost his job. He cheated on his wife. With you, Papa, so I don't know what more confirmation you need to know he loves you. And you love him too."

Neither Youngho nor Taeil say anything.

Donghyuck knows he's right.

"You ruined my life, Dad," Donghyuck says, sighing angrily when he lets the words out. He can feel the tears prick at his eyes, but he won't let himself cry this easily in front of the two people who used to guide him towards the goldens of life. He didn't know they'd be the ones who acted like the scum they'd always tell him to stray away from.

"You took my Papa away. You made my ex-boyfriend my stepbrother.

"You ruined Jeno's life. You failed to fill for the father role he lost. You treated his mom unfairly. You made him live with the guilt of seeing my face everyday.

"You ruined Papa's life. You took his family away from him. You manipulated him into working under you, using me as bait, just so that you could see him everyday. You manipulated him again, bringing him here today.

"You ruined your life. You divorced the love of your life. You stopped trying to be the best dad. You made me grow up to hate you, marrying a woman you didn't love, closeting yourself in the name of money. You always said you wanted to give me the best life, but can't you see? You're selfish."

Donghyuck is crying now, and he probably looks a mess, trying to get all his thoughts out in a way they'd understand him, through all his sobbing.

"You're so selfish Daddy, you're so, so selfish. You're the most selfish person I know. Everyone you love, you hurt. Quit your job, divorce your wife, marry your ex, leave this town." Donghyuck sounds like he's begging. "Leave it all and live the way you want to. I hate what you've done, I hate the life you've given me, I hate the person you've forced yourself to become. But I love you. I love you and I love Taeil and I can't take you two hurting each other and other people anymore.

"Please leave. Leave everyone you've hurt, leave where you're not comfortable, go somewhere you can be selfish, be in love, be horrible people. Together. Just don't do it here. Don't do it where you can hurt the people who actually love you."

He turns to face Taeil for the first time since he stepped into the room.

"You've done everything for me. You've lived miserably after your divorce so that you could see me. You've held yourself back for years just so that you could continue to see me. But I'm letting you go now. Because you hurt me, Papa. And you're just gonna keep hurting me if you don't leave.

"You guys love me, right?" He asks the both of them, smiling sadly through his tears at the nods he receives.

"Then please let me go."