Head Down

◤thirty seven◢

Donghyuck is losing his fucking mind.

He can't focus in math class.

His head is a mess, and his heart is beating way too fast in his chest. He feels so uncomfortable, sitting in his chair, listening to the lecture the new math teacher is giving.

His ears feel like they're bleeding. And his leg won't stop bouncing up and down, drawing an unnecessary amount of attention onto him. He can't help it though, he feels insane.

He's going to drive himself insane if the period doesn't end soon.

He's literally sweating, and the collar of his t-shirt feels too tight around his neck. He doesn't understand why he's feeling like this, why Taeil's absence is having such a big impact on him. It's like he's going through drug withdrawal, and he doesn't know how to deal with it.

Thankfully though, the odds are in Donghyuck's favour. The bell rings, signalling the end of the period, and the beginning of lunch.

Immediately, Donghyuck jumps out of his seat, tugging at the collar of his shirt and almost sprinting out of the classroom. His breath is coming out quicker, and his palms start to sweat as he makes his way to a secluded hallway; in some quiet cranny of the school.

Donghyuck doesn't even hear Mark's footsteps behind him in his haste to leave the math classroom.

"Donghyuck," Mark ends up calling evenly, once the two of them are alone in the secluded area. "Breathe for me, yeah?"

And Donghyuck does just that, Mark's presence alone being enough to start to calm down his erratic heartbeat. He's still jittery, but his breathing has become a bit more even compared to a few minutes ago.

Once he's relatively calm, he realizes just how much perspiration has gathered on his forehead, and just how loose his shirt collar actually is.

He's really losing his mind.

"Holy shit," he mutters, gulping in some air before leaning back against the wall. He tilts his head up when he feels the back of his eyes prick, and he's tired. He decides he's tired. "I want my dad." He admits, voice cracking at the last word, eyes finally falling closed after letting the confession fall from his lips.

"I can take you," Mark offers, staying still where he stands across from Donghyuck with his arms crossed. His tone and calm as well, and he looks put together. He may not be feeling put together, but if he has to be the stronger person for Donghyuck, he will be. "I'm sure the principal isn't busy right now—"

"N-No," Donghyuck cuts in, effectively shutting Mark up. He looks pained as he says his next words, if the way his face twists is anything to go by. "I want my dad."

And Mark understands. Of course he does. 

He wants Taeil.

"I'm sorry baby," the older boy mumbles defeatedly. That's the one thing he can't give Donghyuck. "I don't think we can do that."

That phrase seems to upset the younger, as it should, evoking a disgruntled sound from him. He shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut and willing his pathetic tears to go away. He's been crying too much lately, and it isn't who he is. Lee Donghyuck isn't this weak, and he most certainly doesn't let his emotions get the best of him.

So he takes a moment. He takes a few seconds to take two deep breaths. He forces his heart to calm down, and he clenches his fists as he feels all the sad and angry feelings leave his system. Completely evaporate. He opens his eyes after, and, as expected, there is no more stinging and his tears have stopped.

When he finally brings his head back down after keeping it tilted up for so long, he sees Mark staring at him with a scrutinizing look on his face.

"What did you just do?" Mark asks.

"Detach," Donghyuck simply answers, putting a signature smile on his face as he walks up to Mark. "Did you wanna go get lunch—"

He's cut off by a suffocating hug from the older boy.

"Never do that again," Mark says firmly into Donghyuck's ear, squeezing tighter as the words leave last his lips. "Donghyuck, I swear to God, don't you ever do that again—" He's more frantic as he continues, and it's scaring Donghyuck a bit.

"Hey, hey," the younger coos, effectively shushing the other. "It's okay hyung," he soothes, gently patting the hair on Mark's head. "It makes me feel lighter."

"Donghyuck, no." Mark insists, voice a bit more quiet and breathy. "It doesn't make you feel lighter, it makes you feel nothing."

"So?" Donghyuck finds himself asking, unable to stop the question from leaving his lips.

He doesn't see where Mark is going with this.

"So?" Mark mimics, astonishment in his voice as he pulls away from Donghyuck. He holds the latter by the shoulders at arms length, horrifyingly taking in the other's genuinely confused facial expression. "Donghyuck, that's not okay."

"But I don't like feeling like that," Donghyuck admits, eyebrows furrowing with the struggle of trying to understand what Mark is saying. "And after that I don't feel it."

"Oh sunshine," Mark sighs, hands coming up to cup Donghyuck's face. "Talk to someone, write your feelings down, draw some art, cut up your flowers. But please, please don't detach. You need to feel, Donghyuck."

"But I don't like it," Donghyuck insists, a small pout coming onto his lips.

Why doesn't Mark understand that it's harder to feel gross, sad and angry when he could just... Simply not?

"I know, Hyuckie, I do. But it's important to feel. To feel good and happy, but also upset and bad. It's okay and it's healthy to let yourself feel. You shouldn't try to push it all away." Mark explains. "It all goes here," he continues, softly poking a finger to the left of Donghyuck's chest, right above his heart. "And it'll hurt you here. I don't want you to hurt here."

"Okay," he agrees softly, somewhat understanding after Mark had pointed out that it hurts his heart. Sometimes when it's quiet and he has time to think, his heart does end up hurting. "For you."

"No. Not for me," Mark corrects. "For you."

"For..." Donghyuck starts, staring into Mark's eyes with a small smile. Mark's eyes are a pool or brown and warmth, of concern and adoration. He just wants Donghyuck to understand, and he wants to help Donghyuck. Ever since he's met Mark, he's learned so many things, felt so many things and grew in so many ways. Mark just wants the best for him.

He loves this boy so much.

"For me."