Head Down

◤forty six◢

Jeno has never dreaded being alone in a room with Jaemin more than he does now.

It's ridiculously awkward, even more so because they're sitting on different ends of his bed.

They're not back together, per se... But Jaemin and Jeno still care for each other, under everything that's happened.

Jaemin just...

It's not that he doesn't trust Jeno, he does, so much. And Jeno didn't even break his trust when he broke up with him, he knows there's more to it. More that Jeno isn't telling him. And until he knows what it is, he doesn't know if he can go back to the way they were, ignorant of how Jeno truly feels.

He's voiced this all out to him, and Jeno said he understands. He knew this would be coming too. He knew that he was way in over his head thinking that loving Jaemin would be so easy, easy after everything he's put Donghyuck through. Everything that haunts him with the mere mention of the word 'love'. And he doesn't deem hurting Jaemin as an excuse, simply as something he'd never want to repeat.

But it's hard. It's hard telling the love of your life that it's hard to move on from breaking someone down into their most vulnerable form, only to shred them even smaller. To find a new lover, only to never really understand what it means to love someone. Walking on eggshells at all times because he doesn't know when he'll fuck it all up.

Jeno hurt Donghyuck so much, and the last thing he wants is to hurt Jaemin. But he figured maybe letting him go would've eased everything. Would've made it so that he didn't have to worry about hurting him when it mattered, too deep in or too long gone. Maybe breaking up with him would've saved Jaemin's heart, wouldn't have damaged him to the point where he's weary of love.

Because he's seen what he's done to Donghyuck. And seeing him everyday for years just reminds Jeno that he's a piece of shit. That he ruined someone's perception on love. Seeing Donghyuck everyday reminds Jeno that he's so, so undeserving. But he has no one but himself to blame for that.

But of course he managed to fuck up again, even though he had the best intentions at heart.

And he's lucky, he's so lucky that Jaemin understands him to the degree that he does, that Jaemin knows he hiding something. That he's willing to stay by him and wait for him to open up.

He still doesn't think he deserves Jaemin, but maybe after telling him everything, it'll ease the ache he feels whenever he lays his eyes on him.

But right now, Jaemin's mind isn't on that. Right now, he's focused on how Jeno isn't looking at him, on how he's staring at his lap, on how he looks smaller than Jaemin's ever seen him.

"Jeno?" Jaemin calls, voice honey soft.

Jeno flinches at the call, and Jaemin doesn't think his heart has ever squeezed this painfully.

"Do you wanna talk? I can just hug you if you don't want to. Do you even want me to hug you? Do you want to be alone—"

"Jaemin. It hurts."

Jaemin doesn't say anything, just watches how Jeno rubs at his eyes and sniffles.

"My mom loves him so much Nana... And what did he do? He went back to his ex. I knew there was always something between them but I— She's my mom Nana, and I don't forgive her for what she's done but she's human too. She's selfish, and marrying him made her happy. And look at what he did." Jeno is crying again, feeling his heart clench painfully for his mom. She doesn't deserve this. Not for the third time.

Jaemin may have always thought that Youngho and Taeil still love each other, but he's always failed to consider that maybe Jeno's mom really does love him. And she does. And she's innocent in all this.

"How'd you find out?" Jaemin settles on asking, trying to get the story straight in his mind too. He scoots closer to Jeno, holding one of his hands and patting a steady rhythm on his thigh.

"We heard them," Jeno cries, frustrated as he tries his very best to calm down. "It's like they didn't even care if mom heard! Taeil... Taeil was the closest thing I had to a dad after my mom went through her divorce and he— He just didn't care, did he?"

Jeno sounds so small, so broken and so upset that is makes Jaemin second guess a lot. He didn't know Jeno had this side to him, didn't know Jeno was such an emotional person. But as he's sitting here, with Jeno crying his heart out in front of him, Jaemin learns that Jeno's just never been taught how to express his emotions. He feels a lot, just doesn't know what to do with how he feels.

"Baby, I need you to breathe a bit and calm down, please?" Jaemin pleads, hating the way Jeno is losing his breath over his sobs. His eyes are bloodshot and his voice is absolutely wrecked, almost like a baby throwing a tantrum.

"I-I can't— Jaemin I cant! I love my mom, and I love Taeil. How could, how could they? What if my mom was home, what if she caught them instead of us?" Jeno's scenario sets him into more tears, and it's so, so painful for Jaemin to watch. But he knows, that he isn't even feeling a fraction of the pain Jeno is going through.

All he can do is wipe Jeno's tears, shush him, hopefully make sure he's breathing, and hope that karma slaps Youngho in the face, waking him up from whatever entitled dream he was living in.

Youngho has stripped Donghyuck of a family. Ruined love for Taeil. Forced a new father figure onto Jeno when he wasn't ready. Married a women he doesn't even love enough to stay loyal.

And he does it over, and over, and over again. The same cycle of pain and tears, the same cycle of love and hate.

And Jaemin...

Jaemin might just have had enough of Youngho hurting the people he loves the most.