When the skyfalls

Chapter nine: I'm so sorry

Having been reassured by his mother, Joe knew it was only right to go and take his place beside his wife, offering her every piece of support he could muster; Breakdown over, he had to be strong, not only for himself, but for Dianne and eventually Charlotte too. Feeling his heartbreak once again as he walked into the living room, the sight of his wife curled up on the sofa, cuddling the bear they had bought for the baby proved too much but she didn't need this, she needed him to be unbreakable. Gathering himself, shaking off his emotions and placing them in a bottle, he gently shuffled in behind his wife, wrapping a protective arm round her, careful to avoid her abdomen and placed a loving kiss to the back of her head. "My love, come here. How are you feeling?" He whispers, feeling her move slightly and adjust their position so she was now facing him, allowing herself a moment of respite in his grasp. Bringing the little rainbow bear between them, Dianne presses it against her face before nuzzling it across her husbands face too, letting the emotions wash over her now she was back in her safe place: Joe's arms.

Tracy and Zoe, who had been silently observing the interaction, excusing themselves in search of food for the evening and giving the couple some space, even just for a while. Giving a nod of thanks, the attention turns back to the woman, still playing with the tiny teddy in his arms. "Dot? Talk to me darling, let me into that beautiful brain of yours. How are you feeling?" Brushing the stray hairs from her face, his fingers softly trace the contours of her face-across her forehead, down her nose, over her checks and coming to rest on her chapped lips. Joseph couldn't help but notice just how much his wife had changed in the last 48hours; her body from glowing and swollen, to frail and empty- her mentality from childlike excitement to sullen and withdrawn and he could only imagine how taxing the whole ordeal must have been on her. Unable to fully form the words that had been swimming round her head since the scan yesterday, Dianne chose instead, to join hands with the man she loved, her rock, her everything. The small act of hand-holding had always been "their" thing, from the early days of the relationship,(when it was classed as a "forbidden" love) it had been a way in which to say I love you, even when the words failed to manifest. By holding his hand now, Dianne hoped to portray her love for her Joseph, how strong he had been for her and that she knew he was feeling these emotions too- he hadn't been as open with his feelings as she had been, choosing to isolate himself but that was alright, he was here now when she needed him. Burying her face closer to him, she placed the bear in the space between Joe's neck and his shoulder, before resting her head on the small stuffed animal and allowing her tears to fall slowly once again.

Feeling the collar of his shirt dampen, he knew his wife was once again fighting her tears, unable to form the words to tell him how she truly felt. Instead of pushing the conversation, he simply held her close, rocking both her and the bear which now symbolised their angel child and no doubt, would play a massive role in their lives from now on. Isn't it funny, how something as small as a rainbow coloured bear, can hold such significant in a situation such as this? Something that had been nothing more than a symbol of excitement, now became a symbol of loss, pain and a looming hope that wherever it may be, their angel baby would be waiting for them one day. Sniffling quietly, Dianne somehow found the words that had been weighing on her since that very moment they found out, barely whispered but finally said out loud. "Joe...I'm so sorry." she hiccupped, momentarily forgetting the bear and choosing to lean on his chest instead, desperate for validation that he wasn't angry with her. Astonished by her somewhat random apology, he held her tight, "Dianne, what on earth are you sorry for my love? You haven't done anything wrong my sweetheart." He mutters, running his hands along her spine just the way she liked when in labour. "My body Joe, my body failed our baby, failed you because i'm weak. It's my fault we lost the baby Joe and god, i'm so so sorry. I understand if you are angry or you want to leave and take Lottie. I'm clearly not fit to be a mother." Sitting upright and moving back from his grip, Dianne wiped the remaining tears from her face, accepting her statement and for the first time in their relationship, silently praying that the man she adored, wouldn't leave her.

"Dianne Claire Sugg. Professional dancer. Wife. Mother. But most of all, you are HUMAN. That body of yours has already gone through the whole process of growing our beautiful girl, we know its capable to carry a baby so that just means that this time, our little baby wasn't well. So your body did what it is designed to do and it protected you. Oh Dot, i'm not going to lie, I am devastated that we lost the baby but you heard the doctor, baby wouldn't have survived no matter what and had it grown anymore, it likely would have made you very sick. So in a way, i'm grateful. Yes we lost our little darling, our little jelly bean but my god Dianne, I've still got you. Got Lottie. No way in this world would I leave you. Now or ever, I reckon hell would have to freeze over first." Reaching to close the gap between them, Joseph lay his wife across his chest, placing her head where his heart is. Searching in the surrounding cushions, finding the rainbow bear, he placed in beside Dianne and his heart;

"I love you Dotty, I love Lottie and I love jelly bean but jelly bean wasn't meant for this world, it was too pure for us to love down here so we have an angel instead. I'm not religious, you know this but I know you are, despite saying you aren't. I believe that our little bean, is now your guardian angel. It's going to take time to heal from this, mentally, but I will be right here for every step of the process, every tear and every watery smile. Now, physically, how are you feeling? Is it time for more pain meds now, a hot water bottle maybe? Oh how about americano and the beanie sloth?" he frets, kissing her forehead to subtly check for a raised temperature. Fascinated by her husbands speech, Dianne can't help the smile which spreads across her face as he checks her temperature with a kiss, thinking she won't notice, when in fact It was her that taught him that method. The smile continues to grow as his hands roam her body, in search of any aches or pains, ghosting over where her baby should be but for once, she isn't sad. This time, Dianne felt comforted and blessed. Blessed to have such a doting husband, blessed to have a beautiful four year old, who she missed like crazy and blessed that her body had "protected" her as Joseph put it. Yes she had lost the child she was carrying but she gained a guardian angel- her catholic roots never really faded, especially when it came to these sort of beliefs and that alone gave her faith.

Faith that their rainbow baby would be waiting to meet them when their rainbow connection ended.