When the skyfalls

Chapter twelve: "We need to talk, Joseph."

You guys know me by now...this chapter is a little bit emotive💚

Please remember, it's just fiction

As Dianne lay against his chest, she couldn't help but feel a surge of overwhelming emotions: mainly embarrassment, laced with guilt and frustration mixed with an element of confusion. How could she be so STUPID as to not notice that her husband wasn't in the mood for sex, she had been with him long enough and god knows they knew how to work each other up- she should have been able to read him clearly but she was too preoccupied with her own, selfish needs. What she couldn't understand is WHY he didn't want her- she had carried a little extra weight following her miscarriage but with dedicated workouts, carrying her four year old everywhere and her return to dance, she had soon dropped the baby weight, her body back in prime condition and looking as good as ever. She had deliberately asked Zoe to keep Lottie for a few hours while she nipped into town and bought the little outfit, hoping to bring the spark back into their bedroom after a dark few months.

Was he disgusted In her?

Deep down,was he so disappointed that her body had failed them, that he didn't want to touch her anymore?

Her thoughts were spinning so fast that even lying on his comforting chest, she found herself getting dizzy. Sitting bolt upright quickly, she glanced down at her Joseph, who despite saying he was tired, stared back at her, wide awake. Sucking in her breath and holding eye contact, she said the words that had been on the tip of her tongue, scaring both her and Joe when they left her mouth.

"We need to talk, Joseph."

Bracing himself, Joe sat up slightly, still shocked at his wife's sudden declaration. After declining her advances earlier, she had settled against peacefully and he assumed she had fallen asleep, unaware of his mind racing at a million miles an hour. His hand had subconsciously found its way into her hair, stroking it gently as he dwelled on the events of their evening. It had been the first time since they lost the child that Dianne had truly embraced her body, showing it off in a seductive little outfit which demonstrated how flawless her body was, despite having carried and suffered the loss of a child. Tied with that confidence that Joe had been so attracted to in the first place, he should have been all over his wife but yet he felt...nothing. He knew he still loved her, God nothing would ever change how in love he was with Dianne but recently, it was just a thought, it was choreographed, he didn't actually FEEL the love. In the aftermath of Dianne's bold statement, he still didn't feel anything but his brain told him that he should be anxious at least...

the numbness, the emptiness ruled his heart and his emotions but at least his brain told him that he SHOULD feel something.

For the first time in weeks he studied Dianne's face carefully and he couldn't believe what he had missed. For months, the red hair he had grown to love had been left to its own devices, growing unruly, faded and dark in nature but at some stage, she must have found the time to have it professionally done; it now shone like a ruby, framing her face ever so subtly and curled to perfection. In stark contrast to her glowing hair, her skin had become ghostly pale, make-up free and marked with slight blemishes- presumably a side effect of her recently ended period. It was during this study that Joe realised how much he had left his wife to take on recently, how the exhaustion had meant her eyes had lost the light and her smile didn't reveal that charming dimple on her cheek.

"Joseph? Are you ready to chat my love? You have just been staring at me for the last five minutes." she giggles, trying to break the obvious tension between the pair of them. "Oh shit, yeah Dot sorry, I was in a world of my own. What's going on?" Curling up in her position by his side, Dianne close the gap between them in the hope that it would make this conversation easier on them both, her anxiety through the roof, while Joe seemed impartial and almost...uncaring. Sighing deeply, she pulled his hand to her lap and tangled their fingers together, "Joe what's going on with you? Let's face it, if I had put on that display a few months back, you would have tripped over yourself to get to me and I can guarantee that little outfit would not have gone unwanted. I know having Charlotte meant that we don't get as much adult time as we could have, loosing rainbow was even worse because for the longest time, I wasn't ready to share my body with you again and then of course, I clung to Lottie to help me move on, my hormones were and still are all over the show." The silence was deafening, Joe choosing to allow her to continue before offering a reply, defence or other statements. "Joe, are you disgusted by my body? By me? I know i'm not the sexy dancer stereotype, not anymore anyway. I know my body failed us, not doing its job but is there anyway I can change the way you think? I was selfish earlier, pushing myself on you that way, I should have considered that you didn't want me anymore. The thing is, Joseph, I don't want this to impact our marriage anymore than it already has, I don't want this to...fuck it, Joe I don't want you to resent me, to hate me and I don't want this to eventually end in divorce. Again, i'm selfish and I don't want you to leave me because I know that you'll always do what's best for Lottie so she will be fine with it, but I won't. Joe, I've read about it. In magazines, online, in articles that deal with the aftermath of miscarriages, especially in couples our age." She hadn't realised she was crying until he reached across to catch her tears as they feel, swiping each one away with a gentle caress of his thumb and slowly lifting her downcast head up, so he could see her face, this time in a new light.

All this time, Joe had watched her answer Charlotte's questions with ease, talking about the baby, her loss, the miscarriage process and she had moved on from it all. She WAS selfish. Dianne had grieved quickly, leaning on him for support and then flouncing off, laughing and giggling like nothing had happened, like he hadn't felt that pain too. Joe had been there for her, when they had first found out, when she had taken the first tablet to begin the procedure, each time she had lost a little more of their child, he had bitten his tongue and said nothing, simply focusing on her because it wasn't his body suffering. Now? Now it was different. Now it was Joe who felt physical pain every time someone mentioned their baby or rainbow as his wife had nicknamed it. The term jellybean, affectionately created by himself, long forgotten. But she didn't care, she never even thought to ask Joe, "Hey, you alright?" Until this very moment, he hadn't realised just how much he did resent his wife, secretly of course; her body had let them down, her brain had processed the grief much quicker and her heart had moved on, set on the notion of another baby already. Yes, she had gone to the effort for him, having her hair done and spending money on fancy underwear sets to impress him but the material things don't matter, they never mattered to him. The little rationality left in his brain, forced his hand to reach across and dry her tears, lifting her head up and offering a little comfort to her- acting the way she should have towards me.

From a very early age, my mum always taught me one very important life lesson; " If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all." So that's what I'll do. Keeping my mouth shut, I pull her towards me, allow her to rest over my heart whilst I play with the freshly cut ends of her hair and whisper sweet nothings, words I've said a million times over throughout our relationship, engagement and marriage. But this time? There is nothing special about them.

They are just words.

Empty words.