When the skyfalls

Chapter nineteen: rainbows don't appear without the rain

Entirely consumed by the thoughts torturing her mind, Dianne didn't even realise that dinner was over and that her husband had cleared up, placing her uneaten meal in the microwave for later and sending their four-year old over to draw her mama from her own head. "Mama! I love you! Daddy says it's bath and bedtime so I gotta say nighty now. And I want to tell you that Zozo says I can have UNICORNS at my birfday! Mama cuddles are the bestest, I don't care what else happens at my birfday as long as mama is there, I love you." The sudden declaration of love and the comic ways in which a four year olds mind works, struck that very raw, maternal nerve in her mother, adding to the list of undeniable symptoms she was already feeling. So kissing her daughter's forehead and brushing her unruly blonde curls behind her ears, she reaffirms her love for the small child before pushing her off in the direction of her ever-doting father. Joseph Sugg...that floppy haired, roof-thatching youtuber that she fell so deeply in love with, has grown into the most wonderful husband and the best possible father- why on earth is she feeling so terrified of bringing another child into his loving arms? Watching her small child dance away, the grace and fluidity of her tiny movements proved to be the final straw and the tears began cascading down her pale face. As her composure crumbled, Zoe recognised her moment and swooped in, armed with tissue and love; "Oh Lady Di, what's going on in that busy brain of yours? Do you want me to swap with Joseph or is it time for a girl chat, like the old days? Oh come here you!" Wrapping her comforting arms around the delicate, sobbing figure, rubbing up and down her back and allowing the tears to flow freely for a moment, letting Dianne gather her thoughts before they attempted any form of conversation.

Allowing herself to just be held, Dianne almost felt a sense of relief as she finally accepted her feelings and let them out into the tight grip of her sister-in-law. Finally shaking herself enough to breathe normally, she lifted her head to meet Zoe's warm, blue eyes- so very similar to those that her husband had and passed on to their daughter. Drawing a deep breath, Dianne said the very words that were scaring her the most;

"Zoe, I'm pretty damn sure i'm pregnant and I don't know what to do. I'm TERRIFIED, i'm so scared that I have tried so hard to ignore everything for weeks, even though I know Joe has subtly tried to point it out time and time again. I've skipped two, close to three periods now, i'm queasy nearly every morning and my back aches like mad, i'm crying because my daughter said she loves me and walked away so gracefully, she might even be a dancer! My clothes are getting tighter every time I wear them, I can literally feel the discomfort all over again but I told myself that if I don't admit it, if I don't take the bloody test, then I can't loose anything. Zo, I can't loose another baby, I won't cope. Joe and I, we had a really rough time of it for months, grieving in different ways and pushing each other away but now we've talked everything through, we've got the help we needed and now, we have openly talked about adding to our family again, not that we could ever want to replace rainbow but another baby was definitely what we both wanted. What If I let him down again, Joe would never forgive me if I lost this baby too and if I lost the baby, rainbow and Joe...I can't keep letting him down."

Shocked, in a way at the frank admission, Zoe leans back for a second to process the vast amount of information from the short, one-sided conversation and once again, the guilt plagued her mind. She knew this was coming but yet the selfish thoughts came creeping back in; the woman in-front of her is more than likely pregnant for the second time in a year, third time in nearly five years and yet Zoe couldn't even manage to fall pregnant ONCE in the same time frame. Dianne is a brilliant mother and wife, there is no doubt there but she has been through a lot of trauma in the past year, again she knew that the family had not told her the true extent of their grief but she couldn't shift the sense of anger in that Dianne wasn't currently rejoicing in her news, at the idea of a child within her.

After a few moments of these negative thoughts, Zoe turned her mind back to how broken her brother had looked earlier, the stress and anxiety pouring off him as he fretted over his wife's mental state and only then, could she see the exact same fears and anxieties mirrored in Dianne's expression before her, stressed beyond belief at the idea that she was letting her husband down- a feeling that Zoe truly understood. She knew she couldn't be angry at either Joe or Dianne; neither of them knew of her struggles with conception or just how hard her and Alf had been trying over the last five years so there is no possible way for them to know the pain she was currently feeling. Holding her breath, she decided it was time they knew,

"I know how you feel, about letting your husband down...this feels so weird, I haven't even told mum...Alfie and I have been trying for a baby. Not just recently, we started trying before we got married and we haven't stopped trying. Dianne, I've seen specialists, I've have gynae exams, I've had scans, bloods, I monitor my period, take my temperature and I only eat good foods but I still can't conceive. All Alf wants is to be a dad and I can't even do that for him, so yes, I get the feeling of letting them down. But, I also know that there is no way on the planet, you could ever let my brother down. Never! Di, the way he grew and blossomed in those very early weeks, to the fact that he openly had an emotional conversation about rainbow with Lottie earlier- that wouldn't have happened without you. I know there is more going on behind the scenes after you lost the baby, more than i'll ever know but I can tell you this, he loves you even more for it if possible. Now, this baby that may or may not be growing right now, it needs to come into existence...it's up to you whether you keep the baby or not but both you and Joe, have the right to know. If you aren't pregnant, then you definitely need to get checked over because it's a bloody nasty bug then." she finished, slightly flushed and significantly more relaxed that she had been when she started. Ironically, by letting Dianne in, it was the lightest Zoe had felt in years. There was no need for words in that moment, a simple gesture said it all; Dianne flashed those amber eyes up to meet Zoe's sapphire blues and wordlessly extended her hand, unifying the sisterhood front once again.

"Oh Zo, i'm so sorry, this must be absolutely awful for you! I'm so selfish! Oh come here Zoe, It will happen for you both and you will be the best mum! I wish you had told me sooner, that's not easy to carry around with you love." Pulling back from the tight hug, rubbing her back to ease the ever-growing back pain, the two women shared a look of mutual acceptance; "Move it Mrs Sugg, you're taking that pregnancy test now and I call DIBS on being god mother. Question is, do we get Joseph now or do you want to tell him later?" Hearing the last statement, a mischievous grin spread across Dianne's face..."I'll tell him later, he already suspects but if it is positive, i'll find a way to surprise him. But...Zo, can you stay with me? I'll understand if it's too painful for you, in fact no, i'm being selfish. You head off Zozo, I'll sort this mess out but honestly sis, i'd be lost without you. We all would be.." Reaching across to take her sister's hand, Zoe pulls the smaller woman to her feet and tugs her towards the downstairs bathroom, knowing that is where the spare pregnancy test lay waiting for them "Oh no Mrs Sugg, we are doing this together- just like Lottie, I promise, i'm here for you every single step of the way, starting with this one." Offering that famous Sugg sibling smile and a reassuring squeeze, the now famous duo start off on their new mission.

As the pair sit hunched over in on the bathroom floor, arms draped loosely around each other and the door locked so as not to be disturbed, Dianne turns to the older Sugg sibling and sighs deeply. "You know Zoe, you're going to make the best mother one day. I know right now, it feels hopeless-like there is no point in dreaming and what if's...but there is always hope. It might not be today, or tomorrow but there is a little baby soul out there, just waiting for those maternal genes of yours, I know it. Remember this...rainbows don't appear without the rain" As a single tear drips down the brunettes face and she leans in to place her head on the older woman's shoulder, the shrill yet familiar alarm of Dianne's phone alerted them to the fact that the two fateful minutes had passed and the test was ready. "Right Dot- moment of truth here. Are you ready?" Zoe whispered, reaching above them to grip the test and hand it to her sister-in-law, avoiding looking before permitted. Holding her breath, Dianne turns the test over slowly and carefully, looking down quickly and then once again, her tears cascading down her face as she is met with the words she desperately needed to see;

Positive 12-14 weeks

Rainbows truly don't appear without the rain.