When the skyfalls

Chapter eighteen: Subtle changes in body and mind

It had been a peaceful few months in the Sugg household, settling into a new found sense of reality where both Joe and Dianne return to full time work and Charlotte Sugg of four years old, could only focus on one thing- her upcoming birthday and the plans that surrounded it. Of course, with her parents at work more, Lottie spent the hours of 3-7pm with her third most favourite adult in the whole entire world, Auntie Zoe. "So my little Lottie, now that all your homework is done, what should we do today? We could make cupcakes? Do some art for Mama? What are you thinking munchkin?" The older woman questioned, gently bouncing the child on her knee and tickling her lightly. From the moment Zoe had found out that her sister-in-law had been expecting, she instantly adopted the role of doting aunt, vowing from that second on that she would shower her niece or nephew with the love she had shared for her own child, the child that was yet to be conceived. Wriggling frantically on her aunts lap, the child giggled for a minute before answering, "Zozo, can you help wiv my party? Mama very sleepy and a little bit grumbly tummy and I don't want to bovver her and Daddy. You're so good too and I want you and uncle alf and narla and nanny and gramps and all my class and unicorns. Lots of unicorns." Smiling at the ever-growing child now escaping her grasp, Zoe makes her way into the den, gathering paper, coloured pens and stickers: essentials for planning a five year olds birthday party.

After a taxing day at work, both Joe and Dianne couldn't hide the undeniable grins as they entered their family house, hand in hand and are greeted by the sight of their daughter and her aunt, curled up together in the living room, heartily giggling over secret plans and the fact the girls had managed to sneak the glitter out of Joe's office. "Alright Zo? How is Princess Charlotte tonight? Those giggles could be heard a mile away! What mischief have you two gotten up to today?"

Dianne's smile rapidly faded as she disappears upstairs, rubbing her aching back and in search of some jellybeans, distancing herself from the others for a while, desperate to get into some comfy clothes, her jeans becoming uncomfortably tigtht as of recent. His gaze following his wife, Joe hesitates for a minute before deciding to give her a minute alone, scooping up his daughter from the floor and tossing her in the air playfully, "Daddy! I planneded my birthday! With all my friends and nanny, grandad and Zozo and unicorns and im gonna carry rainbow bear so rainbow can be there too! Urgh, I miss rainbow Daddy, we could have so much fun." She sighs deeply, leaning against her father's chest, using his steady and rhythmic heartbeat to settle her sudden wave of emotions. Shooting a glance to his sister, the heartbreak clearly written on her face, he just offers her a sad smile, pressing a sweet kiss to Lottie's head, "I miss rainbow too Charlotte, I miss it too but we don't know what the future is going to bring huh? Maybe one day we can welcome another baby Lottie, we can't say never. And as for rainbow? Look at me my girl, look up." Pausing his little speech, he reaches down to lift her heavy head and tap his finger lightly along her chest, "Rainbow is right here, in your heart Lottie, every single day sweetheart and that will never change."

Truly touched with her little brother's performance and speech to his young child, Zoe couldn't stop the tears that fell as he continued to remind the child of just how loved she was and the ways in which their rainbow baby would never be forgotten. As the oldest child, Zoe honestly felt her brother's pain; she could only hope that she would never feel the hurt that Joe and his darling wife had gone through in looing a child who was already so loved. In a way, she couldn't help the bitter thoughts that infiltrated her mind; of course she would never feel that pain...she couldn't even fall pregnant in the first place! Alfie and Zoe had been a couple long before Joe had even encountered Dianne, yet the latter couple had been married and pregnant before Zoe had even been engaged! As the years passed, Zoe did get her dream wedding, just weeks before Charlotte had been due but despite nearly five years of trying, multiple specialist appointments and gynecology exams, Zoe still could not get pregnant. Each and every month, periods were recorded in detail, temperature taken and all the correct foods eaten and every month ended with the same heart-wrenching single blue line. So yes, her brother's loss was painful but selfishly, it had triggered her own deep rooted pain too-spending the afternoons with Lottie only encouraged the pain; these games she played, the hairstyles and dressups, the party planning? That should be done with her own daughter, not that she resents Charlotte, not in the slightest! Her loves runs deeper than pain but the underlying feeling of hopelessness and inability to conceive never truly leaves...Her thoughts had left her unaware that her brother had been talking at her for almost five minutes, snapping back to reality only when he used an old and familiar name..."ZOELLA 7289274! Fancy helping me with dinner? Dot...she's not well at the moment and I kind of need a sister's advice?" Scratching the back of his neck, eyes downcast, Zoe shoved all of her own feelings aside, knowing that in this moment, her brother truly needed her. If the roles where reversed? She knew that her Broseph would do the exact same thing.

Making her way to the breakfast bar, she settles on the stool opposite the hob with her chin rested on her left hand, while her brother chopped vegetables in preparation for the evenings dinner. Out of nowhere, he said the words neither of them were fully expecting; "Zo, I'm 95% certain Dianne is pregnant and she wont admit or accept the idea at all and now I don't know what to do. She's showing all the signs and symptoms she's had both times before; the headaches, nausea, backache, cramping and random cravings when she does eat and I know for a fact she hasn't had a period in at least two months. I'm scared Zoe, I don't know what to do." Taking a second to actually look at her brother, the older blonde finally seen through to happy façade he presented with; the man in-front of her was older looking, ragged, his hair tangled and his eyes dark through lack of sleep and the stress of his current situation. This man she saw was tired, was anxious and was trying to hold it all together for his family in the aftermath of such a dark year and it was in this moment where Zoe knew the loss of their child had impacted the family more than she would probably ever know and despite the battle with her own thoughts, she stood up and took the utensils off her baby brother, nudging him towards her now vacant seat.

"Firstly, how sure are you that its pregnancy? I mean...urgh I really don't want to ask but have you two had sex since it happened? Wait, even that is irrelevant just yet, are you sure her period came back after she miscarried, Joe? It can take months, even a year for a woman to get back on track after something so traumatic. Could it be something else?" Scanning quickly round the presence of his child or any hint that his wife might be near by, he sighs deeply, laying his head in his hands, tugged harshly at his floppy hair. "Christ, don't tell Dianne I've told you all this, she will kill me. Her period definitely came back, she was over the moon when it had and instantly went into planning another baby but I shut her down. I...I struggled a lot loosing rainbow and I wouldn't accept it, so I shut everything babywise out of my head. She tried her best to get my attention, get me to agree but I was horrible to her and in the end, I had a breakdown. Anyway, we figured things out and this sounds stupid and cheesy but it really DID bring back that spark in our relationship so we...yeah we've had sex. A lot of sex. Especially in the last few weeks. My GOD I cannot believe i'm telling you this!" He cringes, his eyes fixed on the floor while his hands fidget with the edge of the counter. "But Zo, I don't get it! She has been so excited about getting pregnant again, about having another baby, ever since she allowed herself to heal after the mis- our loss. She wanted this Zoe and now she won't even listen when I suggest it and now I want it. I want it more than anything, I WANT her to be pregnant." He finishes, eventually dragging his eyes up to meet his sister's fond expression,"I'll try and talk to her Joseph, don't worry. All i'm saying is don't pin all your hopes on her definitely being pregnant, it could be something else but you are right, the symptoms do line up. I got you little brother, now go call that wife and child of yours for dinner while I serve up"

Dinner in the Sugg house was a quiet affair, despite the presence of Auntie Zoe, who chose to stay a little later, much to the delight of her petite niece. On one hand, Joe's focus remained entirely on his wife's paling face and unsteady grip, whilst Lottie's focus remained on her Dad, chatty wilding about her day and her upcoming birthday and Zoe's attention spun out to her brother, slightly worried about his admission of a breakdown that she had known nothing about and his current emotional state. All the while, Dianne stayed silent, her focus drawn to the subtle changes in body and mind; uneasy feeling in her stomach and the cramping which has once again, put her off the meal that her sister-in-law had so lovingly prepared, the backache she had been feeling was not just a result of her return to dance and choreography- she knew, deep down that she was carrying their third child. Without thinking, her hand ghosted to her stomach, tracing lightly over what could possibly be a slight swell in her abdomen, her mind preoccupied with her whirlwind of thoughts; Since her period had returned and they had started working through Joe's mental health implications, they had discussed the possibility of another child, the excitement of the pregnancy process again but it can't be true. Despite knowing it was illogical, Dianne could not accept the fact that she could be pregnant simply because if she doesn't accept it, she couldn't feel the pain of loosing another baby- what you don't know, can't hurt you, right?