When the skyfalls

Chapter eleven: Numb.

As the days passed, turned into weeks and eventually months, Dianne had underestimated just how difficult to would be to mother an inquisitive four-year-old whilst recovering from a tough miscarriage but it was that inquisitiveness that kept her going and actually allowed her to heal. Not a day went by where Mama and Lottie didn't talk about rainbow- the name Charlotte had now affectionately chosen to refer to her sibling by.

Not day went by where Mama and Lottie didn't think about whether rainbow would have been a boy or a girl?

Would rainbow have liked dollies?

Would rainbow have liked cars?

Would rainbow have liked blue or pink?

But it was these questions that were so important. These questions, asked of course with an innocent love and no understanding of the true pain her mother was feeling, that meant Dianne could fully process the loss of her baby whilst satisfying her daughter.

Daddy didn't like these questions.

Unlike her mother, when Charlotte approached her father with a "rainbow related question", Daddy sent her off in her mothers direction, or distracted her with a clever decoy- usually a silly impression or characterisation- and at four years old, this was enough. Unaware of her husbands tactics, Dianne continued talking, explaining and daydreaming with her daughter whilst Joe was numb.

Just numb.

He had felt absolutely nothing since they had told Charlotte, refusing to succumb to any form of emotion, vowing to stay strong for the two darling girls who needed him the most at this time. He hadn't spoken to Dianne about the situation either, besides from ensuring she was physically okay and had everything she needed and the couple had taken to sharing their bed with the daughter, Dianne's need to hold her child undiminished. Joe found himself trapped in an endless cycle of existence, balancing work with entertaining the young girl he was raising and keeping his wife contented. He had been going to bed but getting little to no sleep due to an increasing amount of "monster dreams" and the infrequent tearful dreams from his wife. It is safe to say that Joseph Sugg was struggling through life, keeping everyone around him happy and contented but taking no time to allow himself to process the grief he had bottled up inside; disassociating himself from any kind of baby talk, rainbow or otherwise. Pulling him from his thoughts, the tearful voice of his little girl interrupts him.

"Daddy? Mama is sad again and even my magic cuddles no working. Help?" Lottie pleaded, her honey-coloured doe eyes mimicking her mother's undeniably so. Lifting himself out of his office chair, he scoops Lottie up and heads in search of her mama, already planning the way in which he will calm the situation. "Dot? Where are you my love?" Placing his ever-growing child on his hip, he checks the living room, kitchen and their bedroom with no results. "Dianne?" he tries one more time. "I'm in our bathroom Joe, I'm fine. I'll be back in a second" She yells, sounding cheery and a lot lighter than his daughter had said.

Leaving Charlotte to play in her own bedroom to play, Joseph found himself wondering to the corner of his own bedroom, glancing at the little shrine Dianne had dedicated to their angel baby- rainbow as it had been nicknamed. He gently trailed his fingertips over the first scan picture they had, the pregnancy test and of course, the little rainbow bear but still, he felt nothing. In the first few weeks, Joe had expected to feel anger, frustration and even pain but nothing came, he remained neutral, impartial and most importantly, numb. Feeling his wife drape her arms around his middle and nuzzle into him, he spun around, dropping the bear as if it had burned him. "Careful Joseph, you've knocked rainbow over! Let me get it, hold on." Dropping to her knees, she cradles the bear briefly before placing it back on the little shelf before turning back to face her husband. "Guess what Joe?" She mutters, pressing her body against his and grinning up at him, a familiar glint back in her eyes. Forcing a smile, he runs his fingers through her hair and holds her waist protectively, "What my love? What is it?" He mumbles, placing a tender kiss on her forehead. Bouncing lightly on the balls on her feet as they sway, " My period came back earlier this week right? Well it ended today, after five days, my body is back to normal again now! Maybe...maybe we could...could even try again in the future?" The hopeful tone in her voice should fill him with joy, excitement even but instead...he feels nothing. "Are you sure Di? Its entirely up to you my love, you are the only one who knows that amazing body of yours." He smiles, although if she had looked closed enough, it could be a grimace. "We will have to start putting Lottie in her own bed, starting from tonight because I need my husband back." she smirks, kissing him and flouncing out the door.

Having bathed her daughter, braided her hair and tucked her up with her favourite bunny, Dianne settled beside Lottie to finish "The tiger who came to tea", before leaving her for the night. "Now Charlotte Sugg, you are going to be a big girl tonight, aren't you? You are going to stay in your own bed all night for mama and if you do, we can have special pancakes for breakfast tomorrow, okay? I love you my baby girl and i'll see you in the morning." She finished, patting the blankets and blowing her child a kiss before heading off to enjoy a glass of wine with her husband; hopefully what would be the first of many. Due to the emotional state over the last few months, Dianne had felt the distance between her and her husband more than ever, craving his touch, his kiss and his love In general and she planned to fix this with a nice dinner, a lot of wine and a little bit of married magic. Having planned this since earlier in the day, she pulled out the final touches to the meal she had prepared and swiftly poured two large glasses of their favourite red wine, placing them at the romantic, candle lit dinner table.

A woman on a mission, Dianne knew what they needed as a married couple and aimed to succeed in reigniting the passion tonight, finally having everything in her life back to normal. "Joseph, dinner is ready my love!" she called softly, hopefully keeping their daughter asleep but loud enough to grab her husbands attention. Shuffling into the room, laptop in hand, Joe plops down at the table, taking in the sight in front of him before slamming his laptop down and shoving it onto the high chair so he could enjoy the meal. Raising her glass in a toast, his wife said a few simple words; "Here's to us." Clinking the glass, Joe quickly settled into his familiar routine of mindless chatter, enquiring about his wife's upcoming commitments and plans, briefly skimming over his own and filling the otherwise silence with random information, silly jokes and daft impression which draw out the helpless giggles of his wife, alongside the abundance of wine. Winding down for the night, Joseph locks up the house whilst Dianne checks in on their sleeping girl, who remained in dreamland thus far, looking peaceful as ever. Feeling her husband appear behind her, Dianne leans back and whispers softly, " Look at her Joseph, we made that. She is so beautiful, so content." grinning widely, dimple evident, Dianne shuts the door gently, once again turning to face her husband. "She's just like you darling, just like you Dotty." He replies. It is an empty compliment, no real meaning behind it- he knows that his wife is beautiful but at this moment in time, he feels nothing.

Separating once again, the couple head their separate ways to get ready for bed, Dianne in the bathroom, armed with a surprise for her husband and Joseph in their bedroom, pulling on the same old shorts he has worn for years. Peaking through the en-suite door, she can see her husband, lying on his side of the bed in a world of his own and she pounces out, flaunting the little black number she had bought a few days before, hoping for a night like this. Yet to notice, Joe remained oblivious as his wife crawls, seductively, up the bed and placing kisses up his bare chest when she reaches it, until she is straddling him and capturing his lips in a passionate kiss, leaning into it with her body, hoping her husband will mirror her movements. Kissing her back half-heartedly, it is obvious that his head isn't as committed to his wife's plan as she is and noticing that he isn't reciprocating, she sits back on his hips, holding her weight in her knees, "What's up Joseph? I thought you were as excited about this as I was? I'm sorry, I must have got the wrong idea Joe, sorry." She mutters, climbing off him and slipping into one of his t-shirts, feeling sheepish and very exposed in her current outfit. Settled into bed beside her, Joe rolls over and places his hand on her face, "I'm sorry Dotty, just not tonight love, not tonight." He smiles sympathetically, knowing that his wife needed that release but he just couldn't bring himself to go through with it. Pressing a kiss on her hairline as she tucks herself into his chest, Joe allows his thoughts to take over once again. What man on the planet turns down an attractive woman, worshipping their body in a seductive little outfit?

One who is numb.

Just numb.