Alone And Depressed

Chapter 30: Getting Better

*Couple years later*

Katelyns POV:

The last couple of years have been emotional rollercoaster. Jacob and I are still together and going strong. We've had our fights but always some how came out of it. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Josh and I are still close. Kian Lawley and Lizzy got married I was her maid of honor. I'm still waiting for my moment but I'm just not ready emotinally.

Like I said the last couple of years have been a rollercoaster. My mom had gotten into a bad car accident last year. She went through the window and smashed her head. She lasted for about 2 days. Before she passed she grabbed my hand and whispered "I love you Katelyn stay strong for me baby girl" and just like that I lost her just as fast as I had her again. Some say that the driver did it on purpose but we never found our for sure. Because after it was done he jumped off the bridge and killed himself.

When my mom was passing away I found out that I had a little brother named Nate. He was my full blooded brother. I remember being 5 and my mom saying she was just fat. Well I guess they felt like they couldn't handle him so they put him up for adoption. Then my dad died. So when this random 18 year old walked up to me and said I was his sister I was confused. He showed me pictures of my mom and dad and of me holding him. I hugged him tightly. When I lost one part of my family she sent me another.

I'm still going to counseling and doing okay. I've cut only a few times in the past two years. Only when I felt really low. There's been a couple sucide attempts but I never went through with it. I would stop myself get up from the floor and remind myself that my life is good. I would say these five things that always made me feel better:

1. You are not worthless
2. You are beautiful
3. You've got an amazing family
4. Your doing better then you were
5. Don't ever give up keep on pushing

My counselor taught me this. She asked me what was 5 things I could say to myself to pull myself away from all the bad thoughts. At first I thought it was silly and I thought I would sound silly. But when I did it for the first time it helped. So I started doing that. Then I immediately go get Jake and tell him what had happened. He was happy to hear that I'm doing better.

Right now we are sitting in our newly bought apartment. We decided to move out from the big house and move in with just Carter and Blanca. Who are still going strong as well.

I was talking to Jake about our future. This was always a sore subject for us. Because he's ready to settle down and get married and have kids. Me on the other hand I felt like I had to fix myself before I could handle getting married or even think about having a baby.

"Katelyn. You know I love you more then anything in this world. We have been through so much together. I don't understand why you don't want to marry me. And if I'm being honest with you it hurts my feelings" he said with hurt in his voice. I sigh "Jakey it's not you. And it's not that I don't want to marry you one day. I just feel like I'm still trying to heal myself. I don't want that to affect our marriage or our baby. But one day we will get married" I say carress his cheek

He relaxes into my hand "okay Katelyn. I will be here. No matter how long it takes" he says as he kisses my lips and I melt into him.

"Let's wait at least 6 months before we do anything okay?" He nods in agreement.

I wanted to marry this boy so bad I'm just afraid of what might happen. He might get tired of me being so emotional and upset all the time. He might hate the way I raise our child. He might think I'm just crazy for not believing in myself. I shake my head shaking away the thoughts. Katelyn your dumb he loves you.

Apperantly I said that all out loud because he turned to me and said "Babe...is that why you don't want to get married because your afraid that I will leave you?" I nodded he chuckled quietly "Kitty Kat that's crazy. I've been with you for 3 years. I watched you like Cameron. I've seen you in the hospital twice. One time almost being the end of it all. I know your whole story. I watched you as you watched your mom take her last breath." He walked closer to me grabbing one of my hand with one of his and the other wiping under my eye where tears were starting to form.

"Baby girl you are the strongest person I know. The bravest person I know. Even though you had your weak moment you still pulled out of them and they made you stronger. Im absolutely and totally in love with you including your flaws. Which in my eyes they are perfect imperfections. I'm stronger and better with you. And your stronger and better with me. No matter how much you push me away or even  try to shut me out. I will keep coming back. You are the love of my life and I can't live a single day without. So please don't ever ever thing those things again. Understand?" He said lovingly and strenly making me listen

I nodded and hugged him close. "I am so in love with you Jacob Whitesides and I can't wait to marry you one day" he kisses my nose making me giggle

Everything was perfect.