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L IS FOR LEFT AND LIFE

I did not know where to turn to looking at the black boots by the door as I left.

I woke up at five am, took a shower, had a quick but good breakfast and left.

Out in the cold air with leaves falling from a jacaranda tree slapped on my face. Some sticking while some fell off somewhere on the way wherever the wind blew them.

It was cold and did not have the will to pull my sweater closer to me in a bid to get warm. I was on a suicide mission. Maybe I should have skipped breakfast.

Maybe I should just starve myself and make everything easier.

So many matatus came and went. I just stood there as they stopped and left without me. A long sigh later, came a random matatu that I got into. I did not know where it was heading. I just got in and hoped we got into traffic for ages so that I could be by myself, an impossibility.

I was sitting in the front with the driver, the best view when vehicles in traffic are not blocking it. The sky was beautiful, in the horizon that is. I watched it change colours in the mist or fog, I can't really tell. It changed in gradients and made me smile a bit, a flutter in my stomach. I just found myself thinking of Chris. Thinking he was the one.

Thinking that we could be. I had dreams of starting a family with him, a happy family but I guess some dreams should not even exist. I looked out of my window and saw a little girl in school uniform on a bicycle. That must have been her father taking her to school. Then a woman holding the hands of two uniform clad children as she crossed the road. I followed them across the windscreen as they crossed the road before the matatu sped off. Then a schoolbus stopping outside a gate to pick a child hugging his mother goodbye. Once again in traffic, I saw a man and woman in a car with a child in the back. They seemed to be happy. The lady laughing at something the man had said and the man taking a short glance at the lady with a warm smile. Looking away from my window, I faced the windscreen and saw a rainbow infront of us. It was beautiful. No traffic, just us speeding down the road like as if we were going to the rainbow. I felt movement in my full stomach looking at it. Then the sun just came up, blinding us from the rainbow and revealing a blue sky.

You should have seen it, you should have seen how beautiful the leaves and barks of random trees looked good in the sunlight. I bet I also looked beautiful in the sunlight.

"Mwisho," the conductor said and people started alighting.

I got off and the first thing I noticed was all the pairs, people were in pairs and here I was alone. The happiness I felt in the matatu dropped.

I was back to being sad. All I noticed is people living the life I dreamt about and I felt both jealousy and anger. I walked slowly, very slowly. I had nowhere to go to anyway. A ten minute walk at my pace took thirty minutes. The more I walked, the more miserable I became. So I sat at a bus stop, looking at the white speckled ground courtesy of crows. It was empty, but slowly got filled by idlers like me and people waiting for each other. Husbands waiting for wives, girlfriends waiting for boyfriends, friends waiting for each other, that sort of thing, and me wishing I was waiting for Chris.

Time flies by when you dont pay attention, the same time drags slowly when you are tired of life.

It was late morning and I felt hungry. Mission starve self to death seemed as impossible as my relationship with Chris. So I walked to a fast food joint, feeling conscious about my weight. Feeling like people would judge me for being fat and still eating junk.

The joint was not packed, but one thing that stood out was all the pregnant women. So I stepped out and kept seeing more outside. I was afraid people would see me as a fat pregnant woman because the whole place was full of pregnant women. But going out they were everywhwere with someone. They must have been happy. The hunger drew me back in.

"So, how long away?" One of the pregnant ladies in the line cheerfully asks me.

I was shocked and scared. I just quickly picked my order and made my way to a secluded table.

"Youre so cute," Someone said placing a todler on the space next to me as she set her food down.

"How far along?" She asked me while I was chewing a big piece of chicken.

"Shes shy Johanna, must be her first time." The lady from the line said also sitting down at the table I was at.

Three others joined the table and turned all their attention to me asking me one pregnancy question after the other. They all had rings on their fingers. They were all happily married it seemed.

I broke down.

I could not hold it in anymore.

They just looked at me as if they understood. I really do not think they did.

"Here, have some tissue. I've also had crazy crying fits with my first child. We all have at one point." One of the pregnant ladies called Saumu said handing me a packet of pocket tissues.

"Is the babies daddy coming to get you?" Johanna asked to which I bawled more.

These ladies just looked at me fat in the line and concluded that I'm one of them. I do not even have a boyfriend and that was worse.

"Oh, sorry dear. Youre a single mum?' The lady from the line asked holding my hand making the rest look at my ringless finger and keep quiet.

I placed my head on the table and said:

"I don't even have a boyfriend, at least not for about four months now. I always thought he was the one. That we would be together forever and happy. But when he stopped talking to me and picking up my calls, I ate a lot to deal with it. Then gained a lot of weight. Four months ago I was fifty kg. Today I am seventy. heartbroken and sad. Now with you ladies I am heartbroken, sad and jealous because I wish I had your life."

VOCABULARY

Mwisho- Last stop