Listen

Crying in the curb

It's been so many months since Chris and I broke up. Yet, today at school I heard the murmurs and susurrus. They were talking about me and how I can't handle a break up. That I became moody and snappy the moment he left. They were brave to do that, and why not? When Zippy herself was telling people how unapproachable I'd become ever since he left. Who would doubt a best friends words? Well, she's right. I got ugly.

When he left I thought it was because of me. I thought I was no longer attractive. So I stopped looking at myself in the mirror, in my camera and even when bathing. I would bathe closing my eyes, ashamed. Then I ate a lot of junk, slept even more, exercised not even once and gained weight. Of course I noticed but pretended not to. I could see the disgust in Zippys eyes when she looked at my fat self, but I acted like I didn't care. I really did care, a lot.

Then I began getting moody because the world honestly owed me for breaking Chris and I apart.

I only had one class today, so I ignored the looks and voices. It wouldn't be long, just three hours.

Of all the words people said that day, my doctor's words were the ones that broke my heart. Well, not at first because I did not believe him. My results probably got mixed up at the test lab. So I went home albeit feeling unsettled.

One hour later after digging into a peanut butter jar, I decided to get rid of my anxiety. I call Alex and ask him to accompany me somewhere because I think I would need the support. The I would need the support part was something I however did not mention to him.

"Hey, could you come pick me up at home?" I ask trying to hide the shake in my voice.

"Uh...I have a commitment right now, sorry." He says

I hang up feeling alone. It's as though the universe is telling me to do this alone, and alone I do.

I order an uber thanking God that I have a free ride and head to a new place in town.A sweet girl I once met in the school library told me about a hospital near a mall in town that was very affordable. I would go there and get another doctors opinion.

"Where are you?" he asked when I picked up the phone.

Not trusting my voice, I texted him my location.

He found me there on the cold metallic garden bench, body folded over onto my knees as I cried. Two A4 brown envelopes just beside me and a small brown paper bag clasped in my hand together with a Styrofoam cup, empty now when I needed water. The cup fell out of my hand and onto the ground, to dirty to reuse anyway.

But before him calling, I had cried over the phone to Zippy. She had not been the best friend of late, but she was the only one I felt I had. There was a long silence on the other side of the phone, an irritated sigh then the silence of a dropped call. I was so alone now. I could not say my parents were there or any of my family members.

But the black boots I saw in front of me when I slightly raised my head at the familiar scent, made me feel less alone.

Maybe I'd wake up and this would all be just a dream, maybe I would not.