The Three Kings

Chapter 8

"You are holding a damn together with superglue and behind you is a giant ocean of pain and all you have is this superglue for the cracks in the cement. The trickles of pain through those cracks are enough to terrify you, but everyone around you seems oblivious, thinking, well you look like you're holding it together, you look like you're healing....so you must be fine."

——————
Hanna
——————

I am an complete and utter idiot.

As soon as I got back inside after my little encounter with King Alexander, I ran upstairs and to my bedroom, slamming my door in the process.

Why am I such a fucking idiot?

I paced my bedroom for about an hour regretting ever decision in my life that led up to this moment.

Why--why was I such an idiot? Why couldn't I be fucking normal?

I didn't know why being around the Kings affected me so much. I literally had no control over my actions. I had no idea what possessed me to ask King Alexander to go on a run with me, had no idea why it even came out of my mouth in the first place. It just....popped out. Even though I had stuttered my way through it, I had no control of left.

I didn't like knowing that I had no control when I was around them. It stressed me about beyond belief and caused anxiety like no other.

But, when I was around them, I always felt calm and serene. It was like all my anxiety and stress and worries quieted. Everything faded away except for them and me. Suddenly, they were like the sun and I was a planet that orbited them.

Which I hated. I didn't want to be just one of the nine planets that orbited them. I didn't need to just be another planet. I wanted to be the world, and they were the moon that orbited me.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Goddess, this little infatuation I had on them needs to go away. I need everything to go back to normal.

This entire week has just been hell. I was continuously anxious, panic gripped me tight, and I was so stressed that I feared my hair would start falling out. Too many people, too many things to do, and I could always feel the Kings presence and it scared me.

Everything that was happening was waring down on me. It felt like I was on the verge of a massive mental break. I couldn't take any of this anymore. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and stay there for a million years.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. I needed a shower and I needed to stop overthinking.

Starting the shower, I undresses and jumped in. It felt nice to wash all the sweat off of my body and relax my taut muscles.

Even with the distraction of the shower, my mind still reverted back to its anxious and overthinking ways.

He said yes. Fucking King Alexander agreed to go on a run with me. Why--Why did he agree? He just made my life that much more difficult. But why--why did I even ask?

I am so incredibly stupid.

I don't have the guts to go on this run. I'd probably have a panic at the start and embarrass myself even more than I had.

I have made the biggest mistake of my life.

Going on this run is a huge mistake. I could feel it. I had to think of a way to get out of this. I could pretend that I had homework. Or that I was too tired from the day. Or I had to finish a couple of chores and he should just go ahead without me. But, then I fear that that might seem rude. I couldn't just bail. It could be seen as a major disrespect to the crown or throne or whatever it was called. And I didn't want to be disrespectful, they could chop off my head or imprison me.