The Three Kings

Chapter 25

"so many people have told me that I need to open up
But not a single person understands that every time
I pry apart my rib cage, releasing all of the butterflies
That have been hiding there
for years,
People are too busy swatting
them away
To realize what I have don't for them"

____________
Hanna
____________

"Good afternoon, Hanna. How have you been feeling since our first appointment?" Dr. Michael asked.

"Um, better than normal I guess. I think that's mainly due to having a therapist again though." I shrugged.

"What makes you think that?" He questioned, grabbing his pen and notebook.

"The stability?" I questioned more to myself than him. "Having someone to talk to that can't judge me. Being able to open up about things I wouldn't open up about in any other setting..."

"Do you not have anyone to talk to aside from myself?" He wrote something down on his notepad

"Not really..."

"Is that because you moved here, or has it always been this way?"

I was silent for a moment, trying to compile my thoughts.

"It's...difficult to talk about anything with anyone...I've never been good at opening up to others...Aside from therapists..." I confessed, feeling uncomfortable about where this was going.

"What makes talking to me different from talking to your friends and family?"

"Um...The judgment? Knowing that you won't talk to anyone else about this? I don't know... it's just different."

"Do you think it's a trust thing?"

"I don't know..." I sighed. "Maybe? But, it's not like I don't trust my friends or family."

He nodded then asked: "and since moving here? Have you talked about anything with Sebastian?"

I shook my head. "Only telling him I needed help."

He wrote another thing down, then looked at me.

"Why don't you talk to him?"

"Uhhh..." I hesitated, "scared I guess. Don't really want him to know what happened."

"Are you afraid of his judgment?" I nodded. "Do you think, that if you told him, he wouldn't want you?" I flinched at that. "So, with him, you're afraid of his disgust, why are you afraid with your friends and family?"

"That they won't want me either. They'll realize how fucked up am I and not want anything to do with me..." I trailed off.

"You feel a lot of shame about what happened to you, Hanna."

"What?"

"Shame. It's a common feeling in sexual abuse cases. And, your abuser most likely made you feel unwanted and unlovable." I tensed up. "Made you feel that he was the only one capable of giving you love." I could feel myself start to shut down. "The only one capable of wanting you." He explained. "I don't think your old therapist helped you work through the basics of your trauma bond--"

"I don't want to talk about this anymore!" I cut him off, my body feeling like I needed to shed off a layer of skin to forget everything that was brought up by his words.

We fell into silence.

"Hanna, I know it's a difficult subject for you, but you are not going to feel better until you talk about it and work through it healthily. That's why I am here. It's my job. But, I respect your boundaries, and I understand you aren't ready yet. So, let's move on. Why did you move here?"