Please Call Me Yours(Trixya)

Chapter 18:Yellow Causes Pain

Katya's POV
It had been about five weeks since Trixie had walked away from me in the pouring rain. I couldn't stand her ignoring me anymore. I had called and texted her so many times but after the second week, she had blocked my number. It was driving me  fucking crazy. I had to see Trixie, I needed to work things out with her. "Katya, where on earth are you rushing off to?"

"Mom, please just don't start with me. Have you seen my keys?" My mom stood with her arms crossed as I threw the pillows that were on the sofa. "Mom, where are my keys?"

"Why?"

"Mom, I..please okay."

"Where are you going?"

"Listen, you may hate it but I love her. I love Trixie and I want to fix it with her. I want to try. Maybe you're right okay? Maybe I am stuck on her, but that's okay because I would rather be stuck on someone that loves me but is mad at me than love someone who doesn't love me at all. I don't want to be with someone I don't love. Those two years were hell mom. For so many reasons but missing Trixie was the main cause of my pain. You say you want me happy. I won't be happy until she forgives me or until I'm ready to move on, and right now I'm not ready to move on mom. I'm not ready to give up on her mom, I'm not. So please..where are my keys?" I choked on the tears that where making it hard to speak. My mom reached in her apron and pulled out my keys. She walked to me and put them in my hand.

"I trust your choices okay? I am sorry that I wasn't thinking of what you wanted. I just want the best for you. Please tell Trixie that I'm sorry." I nodded and kissed my mother's cheek.

"Thank you mom."

I pulled up to Trixie's house, just as she was about to go for a walk. "Katya leave me alone."

"Trixie, wait." I stopped my car and got out, walking after Trixie.

"Fuck off Katya."

"Why? Trixie could you just stop, like please?" Trixie kept walking, not listening to me. I could feel my emotions raging. "Ugh, you don't care I don't even know why I try." Trixie stopped and turned to look at me.

"What?"

"You heard me Trixie."

"How don't I care?" I chuckled and shook my head.

"Because Trixie, you walk around all sad and crap when I try. I try my hardest to make you happy. I really do, but that doesn't matter! You haven't asked one time how I felt about it all. Trixie, I do love you and I miss us okay? I miss the nights we would drive for hours just to end up no where." Trixie crossed her arms and rolled her eyes.

"You have no right.." Trixie's words cut me like a knife.

"Maybe you're right Trixie. I have no right to love you, no right to miss you. I remember that first night I spent without you. I turned to kiss you and you weren't there. I try not to think about it but fuck I can't help it. Time and my own doubt pushed me to the edge, but the final jump was mine. I have no right to love you because I'm the one that decided to walk away. I have no fucking right to miss you because I didn't want to stay. I knew what my heart was going lose. I knew..so I have no right to need you. But Trixie..I do. I still love you. I know you probably fucking hate me. I hope that you do. So many colors remind me of you. The fucking sun mocks me because it knows, it knows I loved you in yellow. The flowers turn from me because they know that their beauty is nothing compared to yours. I found a song that reminds me of you and I play it on repeat until I fall asleep. I can't go to that ice cream place because it reminds me of you, I had to throw away so many of my blankets because they smelled like you." I laughed as tears started to pour down my cheeks. "I wish you would tell me that you loved someone else, lie to me. I need to forget somehow. I can't get over you and it is fucking shit. Come on light the match and burn the bridge that connects us. You seem like you hate me so much so go ahead Trixie, throw it all away! Please.." I sat on the cold ground and covered my face. "I just need a reason to hate you Trixie. I can't be your friend, I've been trying but I can't. I just can't." I felt a hand on my head after a minute or two. I looked up, my eyes meeting with Trixie's.

"I can't hate you Katya. I have tried for a while now. I have been nothing but an ass to you this whole time. It wasn't just on you. I could have stopped you. I could have followed you when you walked away that night, it was my choice not to. It was my choice not to wait and talk to you more. I put it all on you because I didn't want to be part of the reason for losing you." Trixie kneeled down in front of me and smiled. "But to be honest, I had more to do with it than you. I could have told you how I felt from the beginning, but I didn't. There were so many times I could have told you how bad I wanted you. I've been a cold hearted bitch Katya and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Trixie, I love you." Trixie smiled and put her hand on my cheek.

"I love you Katya." Trixie sat next to me in the green grass. "I am really sorry okay? I just got so used to my own pain that I sorta forgot about everybody else. I stopped talking to Tyler, Shea and Kim. I closed everyone out, everyone that reminded me of you. It was so easy to be with Milk because he wasn't anything like you. I didn't want to be lonely but I also didn't want to feel real love from anyone, because it wasn't the love I wanted." Trixie took my hand and danced her fingers in the palm of my hand. "Katya, I want us to start over. I want us to be able to be friends or whatever without being scared. I want you to be able to say what you need..at anytime."

"I wanted to. I just didn't want to hurt you."

"Katya, you matter. What you are feeling, matters to me. If you want this friendship to work, we both have to talk. We both have to lay everything out. You can't tiptoe around your feelings, I don't want you to."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes silly." I took a deep breathe and hugged Trixie. I enjoyed the feeling of being able to hold Trixie without feeling as if my heart was gonna fall apart from being held together by a string.