Please Call Me Yours(Trixya)

Chapter 17:Yellow Dress Returns

Trixie's POV

I was performing tonight and Katya was coming to see me. I was excited and also terrified. I had never asked any of my friends to come listen to me sing. I had asked Milk but he was always too busy for anything I wanted. I shook my head as I put on my makeup. My makeup was simple when I was on stage. I wore a little yellow and pink eyeshadow with thick black liner. I wore a nude pink and small lashes. Ever since that walk with Katya, I was replaying that convertsion. I could never say everything that I wanted to say, I never knew how. It was easy telling myself that I was in love with Katya. I couldn't tell Katya that though, even if I was single. I was single before and couldn't say a damn word about it. Why did loving Katya seem like such a curse? I knew that in order to be friends and to actually give her the friendship she wanted, I needed to tell her everything. Every single emotion and thought that I had in those two years.

I had no idea why I invited Katya to watch me on stage. It wasn't anything special but I felt a need to. I couldn't tell her how I was feeling so what better way than a song? I peeked out of the curtain and saw her sitting at the table in the front, she was smiling at her phone. I felt a pain in my chest, which would show in the song I picked. It was a song with emotions that matched my own. "Ladies and gentleman, please welcome the best singer this side of the tracks. Trixie Mattel!" Applause filled the air as I stepped from behind the curtain. Katya put her phone down and looked shocked at what I was wearing. That yellow dress she got me those two years ago.

"Hi everyone. Um I hope everyone is having a good night. So the song tonight is a bit different. It is a slow song and I hope you're okay with that. It uh, it is a song that has explained my life these past two years." I looked at Katya and sighed. "Here we go." I started playing my guitar as I held eye contact with Katya. "This drink. Isn't my trigger. It's you and me in that Polaroid picture. I keep on my dash. I see everyday. Tried dozen of times to throw it away. And this smoke, won't be my killer. It's hope that I might finally get rid of this ghost, that follows me around, and little reminders all over this town." I broke my gaze with Katya and closed my eyes. Pain started to flow into my fingers. Pain played the guitar strings. Hurt dripped off of my fingers and off of the strings. It made a pool at my feet. "And I know I shouldn't be calling this late, but I lost control and I hate the way I can't stop it once it begins. I'm sorry I couldn't resist. I swear this will be the last time, and I hear you're doing just fine. But I've done everything I can do. Please tell me what's working for you."

The thoughts that I had been having ever since I left that party two years ago started to fill my head. The memoirs I made with Katya, the love I felt for her, and the hope I had for us. I loved that Russian in black and red. The Russian girl who became a woman, stole my heart and took it with her back to Russia. I still fucking loved her, no matter who I slept with or called mine. It was Katya. All Katya. "Words, they don't mean nothing if I don't pick myself up. I can't count all the nights I broke down to my friends, begging for help just to fall back again." Why was this so fucking hard? I loved Katya but I never could tell her. I wanted to but never could. "Did you reach out for help, or do it all by yourself? Did you forget me by falling for somebody else? I just need to know and I promise I'll leave you alone." I played my guitar and thought of the times I cried in Kim's arms, the times I sat in Shea's car crying. All the nights I laid in bed next to Milk, just crying because I wasn't with the person I loved. I let all of my feelings that I'd been holding onto pour out of me. "And I know I shouldn't be calling this late, but I lost control and I hate the way I can't stop it once it begins. I'm sorry I couldn't resist. I swear this will be the last time, and I hear you're doing just fine. But I've done everything I can do. Please tell me what's working for you." I slowly played the end of the song and let my sadness hold the last note. I took a deep breathe before looking out at the crowd again, before looking at Katya. There was a blank look on her face.

Katya waited by the stage door for me. She said she'd walk me home. We walked side by side, not really talking. "You're really good."

"Huh?"

"Your singing and playing, it was really good."

"T-thanks." Was that all she had to say? Really? I couldn't help but stop walking, my feet wouldn't move. I looked down at the ground and remembered this feeling. The feeling of watching Katya walk while I stood standing in the same place. While I stood, silent. "Katya.."

"Trixie, come on. It is gonna start raining soon."

"Katya!" I lifted my head as Katya looked at me. "Why don't you love me?" My voice was barely a whisper, but I pushed for it to come out.

"What?"

"Why don't you fucking love me?!" The burning tears I had kept inside, poured out as I looked at Katya. She looked confused and honestly, I didn't give a damn. "Why don't you love me Katya?! Why?"

"Pixie.."

"My name is Trixie, not fucking Pixie." Tears burned my eyes as I tried to look at Katya, my vision slowly became blurry. "My name is Trixie, and I am not that stupid girl that fell for you. I'm not her anymore, she's dead and gone. You know what, you didn't care enough to love her when you had her so don't now. I don't want your love anymore Katya, but you don't want to give it anyway so hey all this shit is fine! Why did you even come back? Is this why you came back, to hurt me again?! Huh?! Did you just want to see if I moved on and forgot you? To see if I was happy without you? Well guess what, no! I'm not happy and I still fucking love you. I haven't forgotten about you and probably never will because I gave my heart to you. I fell in love with you, I gave myself to you even though my brain told me not to. I'm gonna listen now though, I'm gonna walk away just like you did. I may not be running to somewhere clear across the world but think of it that way. Goodbye Yekaterina."

"Trixie, wait.."

"No, I am done waiting! I waited for two years! Over two years actually. I have been waiting for you to love me back the way I wanted to be loved. Katya, you have my teenage heart and honestly you can keep it because it got me into so much trouble." I turned away from Katya and walked away. I didn't turn around when I heard Katya yell my name, I kept going. I picked up the pace, my heels making contact with the wet pavement. The rain hit me and honestly it hurt so bad. I was feeling everything expect Katya's love and that shit hurt.