I'm not fine ~ Randy

Chapter 30

*Trigger Warning - This chapter includes an attempt of suicide and self-harm. If you get triggered by this, please put your health over a book and don't read it. I'll write a little summary of what happens during the trigger warning stamps at the end of the chapter for anyone that has to skip. "There is also an important note at the end"*

After the second movie Mikey, Jack and Brook had passed out. Brook and Jack laying snuggled up on the couch with a blanket and Mikey laying flat out, alone on his bed.

I could hear a loud yawn emitting from beside me, indicating that Rye was probably going to sleep now too.

I turn to look at him and he looks back at me with soft and tired eyes. He gives me a lazy smile and lets out another yawn.

"Let's also go to sleep babe" He softly says, his voice a little husky and rough.

I send him a soft smile in return and blush from the nickname. I push him slightly backward until his back is on the bed.

Then I proceed to lay on top of him, snuggling into his chest, reveling in this sweet moment of affection. I sigh softly and close my eyes to pretend like I'm going to sleep.

Rye carefully moves one of his hands to play with my hair and the other he secures around my waist. I feel a wave of tiredness come over me and struggle to not fall asleep in this comfortable position.

Eventually, I can hear the soft snores and feel the leveled out breathing indicating that Rye had fallen asleep. I lay there some minutes longer however to make sure he won't wake up and that he is actually asleep.

When the minutes have passed I carefully try to move his arm off my waist. This seems to be a lot harder than expected though seeing as Rye's arm wouldn't budge. I pull at it a little harder and finally, it lets go.

I quietly sigh out in relief. I begin climbing off him, my movements slow and steady. His hand in my hair easily slip out and lands on his chest.

I get off him and move towards my nightstand. There I pull out some paper and a pen and move to the kitchen table to begin writing.

First I write letters for Mikey, Brook and Jack. Then a letter for my mom and dad even though my dad most likely won't read it. Next a letter for Blair and Ginger and a letter for Harvey. I write a short letter to Caroline and Connor. And last, but not least, I write the letter to Rye.

I look up at him in between writing, putting down everything that comes to mind. I tell him about the abuse, the hate, the self-harming, how much I love him and that he is the most important person in my life.

I also tell him about Caroline and Connor's plan of making him get together with Caroline again.

I end it telling him I'm sorry. I look at him again, standing up. I fold the letters and lay each boy's letter with them and kiss them on their foreheads, Rye's kiss lasting a little longer.

I look at him for the last time, letting an 'I love you' linger in the air before I head to the bathroom. I don't have the strength to walk all the way to the lake again and decide on plan B.

*Trigger warning is about to start, I would advise to stop reading if you get easily triggered*

I lock myself in the bathroom and look in the mirror. I can't stand what I'm seeing.

My eyes have practically gone grey, my hair is a mess, I have dark bags under my eyes, my body is still fat, my skin is paler than it has ever been before and I just look dead already.

I open the medicine cabinet and take out all the pill bottles I can find. I open my drawer and find my secret place where I have hidden my razors.

I take it out and lay it on the counter beside the pill bottles. A tear has escaped from my eye and is freely running down my cheek.

I look up in the mirror again and slowly take off my hoodie, followed by my sweatpants and socks. I was standing in front of the mirror with only boxers on.

*Last warning, please don't read if you get triggered by suicide and self-harming and instead put your health first*

I could both feel and see more and more tears falling down my cheeks like rivers. I shakily lift one of my hands and take one of the razors from the counter.

I lift it up and place it on my wrist. I press it down and the blood pours out right away. I continue making deep cuts up my arm, making new ones and ripping up old ones.

When I find myself pleased enough I continue down to my right thigh and leg, painting the new untouched canvas with a red dripping color. The dark red in stark contrast to the pale skin. I continue the journey over to the next canvas being my other thigh and leg.

The other getting painted with the same dark color, but a different pattern this time. The journey stops at my other arm. I place the blade in my other hand and go to work.

This canvas is used and old, stained from past encounters, but it still holds it's own type of beauty. As I finish with a cut exactly over my previous suicide scar, I redeem myself finished and I stumble when I go to lay the razor in the sink.

I reach for one of the pill bottles and manage to knock it off the counter. It makes a loud bang as it hits the floor and the pills flow out.

I curse lowly at my clumsiness and pray that I haven't woken anyone up. I ease myself down on the floor and begin picking up the pills and swallowing them dry as I go.

I can feel the burn as they make their way down my throat. For every pill, I can feel myself getting dizzier and dizzier to the point where I almost don't hear the loud banging on the door and Rye's screaming.

Everything is just so fuzzy and unclear and I can't focus properly. My vision begins to change between being blurry to darkness and back. Right before I can feel my body crash to the ground I can hear a faint bang.

I try to focus to see where it comes from but this causes a really bad headache. I can barely make out a person in front of me and hear someone calling out my name.

Right away I recognize the voice. I try to move my arm to touch him, but it's too heavy and won't budge. I try to fully open my eyes and say his name, but it's just too hard.

«No Andy! Don't leave me! Please, I love you" Rye sobbed, clutching me towards his chest.

He loves me?

That was my last thought as my eyes closed and everything went black.

Summary: Andy locks himself in the bathroom and finds his razors and some pill bottles. From there he proceeds to cut and take some pills. Rye tries to stop him and get into the bathroom after getting woken up by the sound of a pill bottle hitting the ground, that Andy accidentally knocked of the counter. Rye tells Andy that he loves him, right before Andy passes out.

~~~~~
Hey, everybody.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry about not posting. My life's been kind of hectic and I've had no motivation, but hopefully I will be able to post more soon. I don't really know when I will post "book 2", but it will most likely take a little while.
I also wanted to wish you all a late merry Christmas, I hope everyone had a lovely time and a happy new year. May your next year be very kind to you.
Until next time x