I'm not fine ~ Randy

Chapter 1

01.10.17

Dear Ryan,

I wish I had the courage to tell you this in person. I wish I was brave like you, but I'm nothing but a coward.

I want to tell you how I'm feeling. I want you to hold me while I cry. I want to cuddle with you, so that I maybe finally could get some sleep.

But I can't. You have a girlfriend that you love. I'm not sure if she loves you too. I've seen her kiss others, but when I told you about it you just got angry at me and told me I was lying to you.

You have no idea how bad I wanted to break down and cry when you yelled at me, but instead I just showed more anger and I yelled at you too.

I remember crying the whole night. I went into the bathroom to fix myself before anyone of you woke up. You had woken up when I went back into the room.

You ignored me for a whole week because of the fight. That was the worst week of my whole life and I barely made it through.

I didn't want to do anything, I didn't eat much and I made some new cuts on my wrist. None of you noticed.

I don't think you care about me anymore. I don't think anyone of you do. Why would you?

I'm just a screw up that can't do anything right. The only reason why I haven't killed myself yet is you.

You're my rock. You're the one I lean on when I need someone. I love you with all of my heart.

I hope you'll never leave me, because then I have no idea what I would end up doing to myself. So please, for everything it's worth, never leave me.

Love, Andy.

"Aren't you asleep yet?" I heard a groggy voice say from the living room door across the room.

My head quickly snapped up in the direction the voice came from and I see Rye looking back at me. I quickly hid my diary under my pillow and fake him a smile.

"No, I just can't seem to find a comfortable position" I answer him, my voice sounding a little bit hoarse.

Rye looks at me and it seems like he's debating something with himself. After a while I can see him move into our dark living room.

I can't really see him in the dark and I don't know what he's doing until I can feel him lay down on my bed. He lays himself beside me and pull some of the duvet over him.

I can feel my breath hitch and a blush creep into my cheeks when he suddenly gets closer to me and push me over to my other side so he can spoon me.

I can't help but to smile to myself. An actual real smile. I can feel Rye wrapping his arms around me and bury his head in the crook of my neck.

I hear him take in my scent and then sigh contently.
"Goodnight Andy" I can hear Rye whisper in my ear.

His breath tickles me and I smile a little bit bigger.
"Goodnight Ryan" I whisper back as I slowly fall asleep for the first time in many weeks, feeling safe.