I'm not fine ~ Randy

Chapter 3

02.10.17

Dear Ryan,

I messed up. I don't know how I messed up, but I did. One moment we were cuddling in my bed and I was the happiest man alive.

The next you suddenly hurry as fast as you can out of the door. And to make matters worse, I thought you were actually going to kiss me, but of course I was wrong.

I'm always wrong.

Suddenly a little dot on the paper get wet. I hurriedly take my hand up to my face to wipe the tears away and sniff trying to hold the tears back till I was finished writing.

I don't even know how I'm still in the band. I'm the one that's holding the band back. It's my fault that the band doesn't have more fans.

I should just quit, but I don't want to leave you. I know it's selfish, but I can't be separated from you.

You're the only thing I have left, but it feels like you're slowly slipping away from me. You have been more distant lately.

We don't talk and laugh together as we used to. I miss those days. Don't get me wrong, I love the other boys and how far we have come, but I wish I could go back in time to when it was just us.

You and me against the world.

Love, Andy.

(Trigger warning)
I finish of writing and place my diary on the floor by the door. I make my way to the sink and get my razor out of a hidden place in my drawer.

I look at it and a tear run down my cheek. I take of my hoodie and look at my reflection in the mirror.

I look at my fat stomach, my dyed blonde hair and my dull, blue eyes. I wish I could be as fit and beautiful as the other boys.

I look down at the razor in my hand again before I gently press it down into a new place on my arm.

My arms are almost completely littered with scars, some old and some fresh. I push it down on my skin and watch as the blood come out.

I quietly whimper as fresh tears flow down my face. I make a new cut a little bit over the first one.

Tears are streaming down my face and one tear drip down in my first cut. I hiss at the stinging feeling.

I make some more cuts before I begin cleaning them up. I look up in the mirror again.

My face is stained with tears and my eyes are bloodshot. I sigh before I find the medical kit in the bathroom cabinet.

I open it and take out the bandages and begin to bandage my arms up. I cut of what I need and tie the bandages up.

I lay what's left down in the medical kit again. I begin cleaning everything up, not wanting any of the boys knowing about this. I look down at my arms again.

"Good boy, now you just have to starve yourself. It's not like you need the food anyways, you're way too fat"

Please no, not the voice again.