Handle It

It's Complicated.

Last night was the first night I was able to sleep without crying, it wasn't the most peaceful sleep since I always feel bad for what happened but it was sleep nonetheless.

From the moment I woke I knew today wasn't going to be a good day, and I was right. My dad basically barged into my room demanding that I eat and when I refused he practically stuffed food down my throat causing my stomach to reject it and I vomited all over my bedroom floor. My dad left my room pissed off screaming and yelling to my mom that I'm a stupid child who just wants attention and the only way I can get is by not eating which is just complete bullshit. Then later in the day I get a random phone call from Chase asking if he can come over because he has some things to get off his chest, and me being the idiot I am I agreed. So im now sitting in my cold and lonely room stressing about what Chase has to get off his chest. As much as I dont want to see or even speak to Chase, I know that I atleast owe him a conversation to allow him to get what he's been holding in off his chest. I Sink down in my bed leaning my head against my head board and stare up at the ceiling.

"Why do I always put myself into these situations." I ask myself then sigh when I realize I wont be getting an answer to that question any time soon.

I hear a knock at my door and instantly feel my body tense up because I know that on the other side of my bedroom door is Chase. I take a deep breathe then exhale preparing myself for the conversation that's about to take place.

"Come in." I say

My door opens revealing a depressed looking Chase. His hair has grown a bit and is now a little curly fro, stubble growing on his face, his usually bright brown eyes that always sparkle are now dull and empty. I can't help but feel sorry for him.

He gives me a weak smile and shuts my door before putting his hands deep into his pockets and just stands there.

"You can sit if you want." I say avoiding any eye contact.

"Thanks." He says taking a seat at the foot of my bed. I can feel his eyes on me but not once do I look up. We fall into an awkward silence neither of us speaking. Not being able to take the silence anymore I finally speak.

"So what did you want to talk about?"

He sighs " I want to talk about what happened that night."

"Okay" I say knowing that this isn't going to be a good conversation. "talk."

"I know that what we did that night was wrong because it ruined your relationship and my friendship, but every since that night I cant stop thinking about you or when I lay in my bed all I see is the faces you made that night and how your body reacted to my hands all over your beautiful body and how you moaned my name so melodically. I think I love you London and as bad as I know having these feelings for you is, I just cant stop feeling how I feel for you." I sit there completely taken off gaurd by his confession. How and why is he telling me this? I cant have him falling in love with me, this is just so wrong.

"I-I dont kno- know what to say." I stutter looking up into his hopeful eyes. Seeing the hurt in his eyes makes something in me ache for him. I know that I dont love him but maybe I have some unspoken feelings for him which would explain why I let him do what he did to me that night.

He stands and walk over to me. Towering over my small and fragile frame he grabs my hand and looks me in the eye.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me you dont feel anything for me." I put my head down and tell him what he wants to hear.

"I dont have feelings for you." I lie.

"Look at me." I say nothing and keep my head down staring at ny blanket. "London I said look at me!" He shouts and roughly grabs my chin and dircects my head up so that im now looking into his brown eyes.