My voice in a world full of panic (poetry)

Mental Breakdown

They wonder why I'm in my bedroom so much,
Hiding in the midst of darkness,
They expect I'm embarrassed to be with them,
They don't expect I go there to cry on my own,
That I ball my eyes out in my security nest,
That I'm having a fucking mental breakdown,

I don't know who to be any more,
At school,
At home,
Even when I'm on my own,
I'm a kite attempting to fly,
Whilst being tied to over a thousand different docks,

Every tear I weep,
Is added to a pool beneath my feet,
A pool that I am now drowning in,
Struggling for breath,
Before the current will drag me down,
And into an overload of sadness and depression,

I strain my scream for help,
Into a quiet "ok",
An overlooked oxymoron,
They presume I'm fine,
That I'm an average teenager,
But what is the true definition of fine?
Their definition of fine,
Is being content and happy,
Getting good grades,
And laughing with friends,
My definition of fine,
Is staring at a knife and not wanting to use it,
Going a week without punching my wall with a bloody fist,
Or hovering in the background untouched at lunch,

Normal is taking a shower,
To cover my wimping cries,
With the sound of rushing hot water,
Normal is spending my weekends all alone,
Stowed away in my room,
Binge watching ancient Netflix shows, Normal is living and breathing in the school library,
Because that is the only place with a part of me that I recognise,
Sewn into place,
Who would have thought,
That that would be the one place I am ridiculed for stepping foot in?

I swear to God,
I'm having a fucking mental breakdown.