My voice in a world full of panic (poetry)

My Suicide Note

If you are reading this,
Than I am dead.

There. It's written down right in front of your face, and I cannot take it back. Now, don't think it was some sort of fucking accident that I downed a whole cup of bleach.
I know perfectly well what I am doing.

I am committing suicide, and that's that.

You won't be able stop me. You guys have already prevented me from ending it since I was twelve. Just be thankful it's happening two years later...

To my parents,
I say,
I'm sorry you won't be able to watch me grow up. You must understand, that death has been lingering at my shoulder for years now. His icy breath has gotten colder gradually, like a ticking countdown clock; the wait has consumed me. My point is, you shouldn't put my death upon yourselves. I never intended to you hurt you in the process of hurting myself. This is nobody's fault, because that implies I have done something wrong. I. Do. Not. Regret. Suicide.

To those who hate me,
Or even better,
To those who hated me,
I say,
Don't bloody hell flatter yourself as the cause of my death. Right from the beginning, I have always ignored your bullshit. If anything, you were one of the reasons I stayed alive:
To spite you.
I am much stronger than you think, and my death isn't a cowardly escape from my burdens, it's a new awakening to what else is out there. It suddenly clicked to me one day that I actually don't care if I live or die.
I AM NOT SCARED OF DEATH.
BUT YOU FUCKING ARE.
HA!

To my sister,
I say,
Over the years, we may have had our differences, but trust me, I will go out thinking nothing but good thoughts of you. I really hope that you are not the one to find me: lying in my bed with my eyes wide open and bleach smeared around my lips. But if you are, I want you to remember the smile carved on my face at that particular moment. It'll be the first real smile I have ever formed in my entire life. You are smart enough to realise what that means... Don't let my suicide haunt you. Please, do want I couldn't do. LIVE. Carry on with your dancing, keep reading, and you may continue annoying my friends, if you really want. Be the bright, happy little girl I know you to be. You are the glue that sticks this family together, please don't break. However, if you do, I get it.

To my readers,
I say,
You are incredible. Each and every one of you. I don't know how you've found my book or why you read my poems, but I thank you. Each view, comment and vote has lifted my spirits and expended my lifespan just a little longer.

To my friends,
I say,
Honestly, I don't know what I SHOULD say. You guys are the hardest to address in this matter. Seriously, you have no idea how hard this is to write. How can I put this in the simplest of terms to some people who know me better than I know myself? I'm not too sure if you were fully aware of what has been going on inside my brain lately. Of how dark and depressing I am. If you didn't know, I'm sorry I never told you. If you did know, don't blame yourself for my extreme measures.
I'm not entirely certain I can express how grateful I am towards you guys. For a long part of my life, I've been hanging by a thin thread, and every time the silk's split, you have tied me back into place. Understand, that even though you are my saviours, you cannot keep dragging me back to your embrace. At some point, you have to let me go...
Thank you guys for putting up with my weird shit for such a long time. Thank you for sticking with me. Thank you for all your support. Thank you for everything.

I'm sorry it has to be this way. I never meant it to be, but I just can't continue as things are.

Love you all.
Goodbye. In the kindest way possible, I hope we don't meet again for a very long time...