Cover: 2/2 I don't know anything about animated characters or what they're trying to portray but appearance-wise it was good.
Title: 1/2 The title wasn't innovative like I usually expect it to be. I suggest you change it.
Blurb: 2/5 It was okayish. Nothing great about it but not too bad. There were grammatical errors in the summary which needs to be fixed. Make sure you do that.
Whenever you write a name make sure to use a comma after it.
Akai, a gifted diver...
Make sure you add more details about the characters because it seems to be incomplete and not intriguing. To write a good summary it is important to understand the material you are working with. While writing it reread the entire thing once again and see if it interests you as a reader.
Write down what you think the main point of the piece is. If it's about a diver who I believe is a girl, frame some points around her. A summary shouldn't be too long and shouldn't be too short that readers lose interest before reading the book.
Plot: 3/10
Your first paragraph sounds off. It doesn't really grab my attention.
Your version:
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I woke up to the cacophony of the birds which were silhouetted against the orange kissed heavens. The sound comforted me as I roused myself from sleep and yawned in the anticipation of starting a new day.
It's not like best but still a lot better than the original version.
Next thing was the usage of the time skip. You use that word when there's a wider gap of a few hours, months or even years.
You don't require it here.
Use this instead-
I sauntered down the marbled stairs and took a glimpse of my grandpa in the kitchen. (Explain what the kitchen looks like.)
It's the case of telling and not showing. As readers, we expect to imagine certain things. But it's not possible if we are given insufficient content.
I will repeat myself again.
Look what is in front of you. A pencil, a book or an apple?
Imagine yourself holding a pencil. You will simply not say that you were holding a pencil in your hand and lost in thoughts. That's a case of telling and not showing.
See this now.
He turned the blue coloured Staedtler pencil over in his hands, considering, observing the end that had clearly been sharpened with a blade rather than a school sharpener. It looked cheap, almost as if the owner didn't want to spend too much money on it.
You get the look of the pencil here. You could also explain the feel while touching it. I've just given you a basic example.
One more thing that I noticed was the usage of the word 'I' innumerable number of times. You could simply use connections and join two sentences together.
You only use a comma when there's a joining of the two sentences or when a character is speaking dialogue.
"So Akai found anything interesting lately", I shook my head...
There are so many grammatical errors in just one sentence.
Grandpa was asking a question, then how is the statement ending with a comma?
The correct version should be- " So Akai did you discover anything fascinating lately?" I shook my head...
This girl is excited. How do I know she is apart from simply stating that 'I am excited'?
Maybe write this. I'm sorry if you think that I'm mean but I'm the only trying to help you.
There was an explosion in my brain, the good sort- the type that carried more possibilities than I could be aware of, but there were hundreds of ideas in that buzz of electricity that I could feel. It was the calling card of adventure, of paths awaiting my feet. Whatever was ahead could be a great challenge, and there could be tears, but it was my adventure to take and so I smiled with great satisfaction.
Doesn't this sound a lot better?
The rest of the first chapter looks rushed. Like you took a bullet train and wanted to get over with it. Akai was talking to her grandpa and then all of a sudden she went to the beach. Did she take a helicopter? Lmao, or I think she's a superhero with some powers.
Please explain this in your book!
I like the way you described the weird sensation inside the water. Good job there!
While reading I noticed something odd. Sometimes you were using three periods (...) and at other times you were using four of them. Three periods are grammatically correct; not less or not more.
While in the water she knew that a merman was following her. Then why was she alarmed at hearing his voice behind her and acting like a stupid kid?
Ok, so the next thing is the way she communicates with him. She was 'WAVING' at him earlier then all of a sudden she's SHY???! Did her personality change in a second or what?
After that, the point of views changed. The merman was caught by the guard and taken back to his father. Where did the door come from? Were they still in the water? What did it look like inside the sea?
One more question! The biggest question which needs to be addressed.
The guard was supposedly a human who was responsible for guarding the merman then how come the merman didn't know what a scuba gear was?? He didn't ask the guard before? If so why did he ask Akai?
Character development: 2/5 There was no character which was properly developed. They all had a multi-personality disorder.
Make sure you sit with someone and go through each and everything in detail.
Grammar: 0/5
Everything was wrong! There were no punctuations, flow of the sentences and correct phrases.
You need to do a lot of hard work!!!
Suggesting a good EDITOR!
From now on every review will be brutal and completely honest without any sugar coating. If you don't want a review tell me to cut off your name from the list!!!!!!
