Walking on a Tightrope

Chapter 1

"Hey fucker, get over here!" I yell towards him. I haven't spoken to him in almost a year, but desperate times call for desperate measures. The past two weeks have been really hard for me. I was watching the simplest TV show when a gay couple appeared on screen. They spoke about their gay awakenings and that's when it hit me. That was me. I of all people am gay. My parents never spoke about homosexuality except for the occasionally "It is unnatural and just not right". My first thought was to the guy I 'liked' up until this past year. He was so feminine and had very noticeable internalized homophobia. That is who is standing in front of me right now. "What the actual hell Blake? My name is Tucker, and I thought you never wanted to speak to me again?" "I know you're gay" I say as a whisper, completely disregarding respect, he lost all of my respect after what he did. I don't want to risk outing him, or me, so I drag him into the men's bathroom to continue our conversation

He stutters in shock before saying "What makes you think that? Are you on drugs? Or are you just fucking crazy?" Classic fucker; sorry, Tucker. Make people seem less than you so you can feel better about yourself. "Don't you dare accuse me of using drugs, and I know you are. Don't deny it, you are feminine as hell and try to avoid physical contact with your 'girlfriend' so just admit to it." "So what was your point to this? Just pull me away from my friends to tell me I'm gay?" He says scoffing and avoiding any thoughts about what I said. "My point is that, so am I. So I have a deal for you. Just hear me out." I say, pleading. "What could that possibly be" he draws out while rolling his eyes, clearly annoyed.

"We 'date'. Just for show. It'd ruin your image if people knew you were gay. There will be no strings attached, no public displays of affection, none of it. Just telling people we are an exclusive couple. That way my parents won't know I'm gay and no one will know you are." He laughs before saying "Why the fuck would I do that? First off, you were in love with me, you said it yourself. So why would I believe you are gay? And how do I know you aren't just saying it to be with me" he says arrogantly, scoffing yet again. He really pisses me off. "Because literally only desperate people want to be with you. Now just tell me, do we have a deal or not?" I end my statement roughly, with anger clear in my voice just at the thought of my homophobic parents and what happened last year.

"Fuck. Fine. We have a deal, just give me a day or two for this to get started. It'll raise questions if I just suddenly dump Jessica for you of all people." "Thanks" I say sarcastically and with malice before walking out of the restroom a little after him to make sure no one thinks we were doing shit together. I notice it didn't do much when I hear his friends yell to him "Dude were you just fooling around with Blake? Nice man, she got hot over the summer. But Jessica will be pissed."

He responded with "Yea dude it was great, we didnt go very far but you know a girl could never resist this." he gestures to himself before continuing, "Yeah I plan on ending things with her. Blake did get super hot." I gag hearing their conversation but I try to go on with my day. I hate that I have become so desperate to hide from myself that I went to him. After the whole school found out I 'liked' him he humiliated me by getting a girlfriend and telling everyone I went psycho on his new bitch. I lost all of my friends and had to restart going into senior year. He was the reason I lost her... And here I am. Dishonoring myself. Everything is so crazy and surreal, out of this world almost. Homosexuality was never mentioned growing up, and I jumped on the first guy I found slightly aesthetically pleasing and that happened to be him. We all joked about how feminine he was and how I liked him and I must've been gay... It wasn't much of a joke. Things change drastically sometimes.

The day goes by so slow as the rumors go around about us. I swear if one more person asks why I stole him from his girlfriend I will punch them to the goddamn ground. After everything went down people were convinced I was obsessed with him and I hated his girlfriend, Jessica. It makes this ruse much more believeable. I make it through this hellish day nontheless, and go home to my "perfect" family. I walk in and hear my mom say to me"Hey honey! How was your day?" As long as I keep up my studies to become a doctor and stay the perfect, goodie two shoes, straight daughter they want, they'll love me. But I'm none of that, and I don't ever want to be what they imagine me as.

I reply, slightly mumbling "It was good, Im going to my room to do some homework" she says "Ok" and I head to my room. Homework is such a great excuse for everything, she never questions it. I have been avoiding them since I realized I was gay, it's much easier to ignore them then to pretend to be someone I'm not. I spend the rest of the day doing homework until I can finally sleep. The next morning I'm woken up by my phone ringing. "Hello?" I answer groggily. The voice on the other line screams "You're dating Tucker Collins?? What the hell Blake!". I don't want to lie to my best friend... But I need to just to keep lying to myself... "Yeah. It just. Happened". Parker calms her voice but still sternly says "I thought you left him last year!". "I did, but it didn't last long. You know I couldn't stay away. Parker, what time is it?" I check the time and it's 8 in the morning. I slept in. "Parker I'm going to be late, I have to go!" I hang up and just pull on whatever I find in my closet before making my way downstairs and grabbing a quick muffin then running out the door yelling "Bye! I slept in, I'll see you guys after school!" just in case they're home. I've always been distant from my family so they haven't noticed my sudden widthdrawl from them. Not yet at least. I walk to school everyday because my parents are always working. Despite it being a fairly far distance its nice and freeing to be alone with my thoughts. I'm listening to music and in my own world when I see a familiar car drive by. I see Tucker in the front seat, slowing the car to a stop. "Get in" he says with a slight eye roll. "No you can't just tell me what to do" I reply crossing my arms around my chest. "Just get in the damn car Blake". I roll my eyes and climb in, he drives as he starts talking "So people have started rumors that we aren't... Well. That we aren't whatever this is that we are pretending to be. I asked you to get in the car because it'll help sell this whole thing." Surprised I remark "Wow you're really into this". "Yeah well I dont think either of us want to be outed to the whole school" he responds matter-of-factly. I reply with a meek "Yeah..." The thought scares me to my core.

When we get to school everybody notices almost immediately that he drove me to school today, there are plenty of different reactions, none surprising really. Until his girlfriend, ex girlfriend I should say, runs up to the car slamming her hand down on the hood "What the fuck Tucker?!" she yells. Now everybody in earshot is paying attention, my least favorite thing. She isn't done though, she continues her outburst yelling "First you break up with me then you show up with HER!! You know how I feel about her! I thought we could work this out, it can't be anything major right?" she says with slight desperation in her voice by the end of her statement. I start to get out of the car until he brings his hand to my shoulder in an effort to stop me. I sit back down and roll my eyes, and focus on this girl. Again. I hate looking at how much everybody praises her. She had threatened me when they first started dating. As his friend I explained to him that he should watch out, that dating her may not have been the best for him and that was her reaction to it. He says "Jessica, I really don't want to do this right now. I told you that we were over, for good and I meant it. Now please get away from my car. I'll see you around". She huffs then turns around and leaves, not without showing us her middle finger. Without thinking I just laugh, then say "You had her fooled good" and laugh again. He responds with a laugh of his own and says "Yeah you had me fooled as well. It's pretty easy". I get out of the car and go find Parker. Once I do she immediately squeals quietly, "Holy shit he drove you to school!". I respond "I know right?". But I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing, all I know is why I'm doing it.