Walking on a Tightrope

Chapter 17

I walk through the dark corridors of the school, looking around for someone, anyone who will listen to me. As I walk among the school  under the dark storm brewing above us everyone is turning their heads in what I assume to be shame. Shame that they know me, shame about who I am and how I lied. I scream in frustration "Will someone, anyone, please listen to what I am saying!!"  that's when I see Tucker standing in front of me. "You've said and done enough, I warned you. Don't plead for forgiveness in a situation you could have avoided. Now do what's best for everyone and leave. Leave this town, this city, this community, even this Earth. Nobody wants you here, least of all me and Skylar."  I look up at him and see Skylar has his arm around her waist as she looks at him like he is the world. He kisses her as if his lips were everything she ever needed. It can't be... Tucker was gay and Skylar said she would never leave me. I back up and become surrounded by our classmates and suddenly a buzzing sound becomes present in my head. It starts quiet then becomes louder to the point it feels like my head could explode. What is going on here? This doesn't make sense. The buzzing persists as I try to find its origin but am just met by crowds of people blocking my path to leave.  

That's when I wake up, confused and barely able to breathe. The buzzing was my alarm, but despite setting one, I still slept in. I must've snoozed the alarm a few times in my sleep. I jump out of bed after turning the alarm off and begin to get ready for school. I want to talk to Skylar throughout my school day but not only do I not have the time, I really shouldn't as it poses too much of a risk of integrating her into my school life. I run out of the house with 2 pieces of toast and see Tucker waiting for me in the front. I run and open the car door and jump in with my bag. "I hope I'm not too late." I say as I buckle my seat belt. "You were later than normal, but not too late. How'd you sleep?" flashes of my nightmare come into my head. He and Skye... No. It would never and could never happen. He is gay, I just need to keep reminding myself of that. "Uh, I slept fine. Let's hurry and get to school, you know how much I hate being late especially on the first day back from a break." I sigh in relief, the memory easing out of my mind as we drive to the school. We arrive and everyone is still hyped from spring break, talking about what they did and who they did it with. I get out of the car and find Parker immediately, ditching Tucker.

"It's been so long since we have talked!" she squeals as she sees me. "It really has been, hasn't it?" Parker notices my distress and asks me "Hey, Blake. What's wrong? Is it Tucker?" I sigh. I refuse to tell her the truth, it's too shameful for me and at this point I have committed to it too much to let anyone else know our secret. "Yeah I had a nightmare last night, nothing irregular. He was with another girl..." I pause and drift off into a daze thinking about how painful it was to see him with not just any other girl but my girl.  Once I snap back into reality I say "I've been spending so much time with Tucker I haven't had the chance to talk to you! How have you been?" We begin to catch each other up on what happened over spring break. I never lied to her... I just stretched the truth a little and left out the most important things. The first bell rings and we begin our classes for the day. I have been so distracted all day that it feels like forever, but eventually lunch rolls around. I notice Tucker by the cafeteria entrance and go to see him. He notices me and says "Hey Blake, follow me."

I follow Tucker to a table in the cafeteria and sit down next to him. Something feels off, like he is tense. But oddly enough, not about our usual subject, the deal.He just blurts out after fidling around with his food for a bit "Are we ever going to talk about what happened? I feel like neither of us questioned anything we just made a deal and followed through with it. And I can tell a part of you is still mad at me" Oh. So this is what he wanted to talk about. "Which thing? The part where you and Jessica humiliated me and made up bullshit or the part about how I never actually liked you?" The annoyance is clear in my voice at the reminder of what happened a year ago. He blandly says "Both." With a tone in his voice egging me to go on while also fearing what I might say. "Well the first one is for you to explain. And as for the second one, no I never liked you. I had never liked someone as a friend before and when I had some sort of feelings toward you I assumed they were romantic. You are just so fucking feminine that my friends and I called you a girl and in my mind you were this person that you weren't. I eventually realized over time that I wasn't in love with you like I said, and I was in love with her" I nudge my head over to where Olivia is sitting. He doesn't even ask for a name, it is obvious who I am talking about. I spent all my time with her and put her above everything else, even my work. He nods acknowledging my confession. I hate silence so I add "Now why the fuck did you do what you did?". He frowns, knowing what he did was wrong. "The part where I purposefully lead you on or the part where we caused you to lose all your friends? Or the part that we made everyone think you were lying?" I sigh before replying "I'm glad you know what you did instead of playing dumb for the 256th time. And all of it. I genuinely thought I made everything up because of what you guys did! I cared about you. I made it clear to you I just wanted to be friends. You milked it and made my feelings, which weren't even real, this huge deal like I wanted to marry you on the spot. And even though I didn't care about you romantically I still did as a friend" the sadness is clear in my voice by the end of my statement. It has been a whole year since everything ended but the scar is still so deep. I lost her. I didn't care about anyone else except her. And it was her that I lost. A single tear rolls down my cheek at the painful memory. Then he opens his mouth to speak

"After the first few months of middle school we all developed our own groups. It was well known among our grade that you liked me, so me and a few friends decided to fuck around with you using that as leverage. It started with the dance. Someone told us you were going to ask me to it so we tried to corner you into doing it. Well, Jessica got pissed. She liked me and I knew it. Once she finally admitted it to me, I started to mess with you even more. I became close friends with you. I would start a conversation by making you think I liked you, before mentioning Jessica and how she liked me. After the first summer had ended and we went back to school, and you tried to talk to me in person. The plan had worked a little too well. You had really thought we were friends. My friends would make fun of me for this and said that if I kept hanging out with you I would become just as naíve as you. So I cut you off suddenly and blamed it on you getting too physically close to me and being too annoying. We didn't talk for a month or two and I let the rumors brew. Jessica took this as a chance to take you down. She told everyone that you were threatening her, just so they would stop talking to you and begin to give her attention. Eventually you cut us all off, and stopped talking to everyone. Nobody really cared after you left us. That was when I realized I was gay, it had just hit me one day. I mean, I had liked you too but felt no huge loss when you left. A little after you had cut everyone off and left all our classes, Jessica asked me out. I took that as a chance to do what we are doing now, but it turns out she is even more naîve than you were. She would kiss me and hold my hand and shit, but I hated it, yet it was better than my reputation being ruined. And when you just dragged me away and suggested this deal I took it as soon as I could. It felt like I had struck gold. And that's that." By the time he finishes I have tears in my eyes. I look towards Olivia and now everything makes sense. I've always been a pawn. I loved her so deeply and he took it away for some stupid game of fun. Through sobs I muster to say "Why did you tell me this?" I am so angry with him, I want to kick him in his balls and never speak to him again. But I understand that its irrational and stupid especially if it would end this deal of ours. It could drag both of us down, and that is the last thing I want.