Walking on a Tightrope

Chapter 5

I don't realize what I'm doing. After we pull away we hold eye contact as we catch our breath. We have said everything that needed to be said and done everything that needed to be done. The sun has set now and the stars speckle the dark night sky. We lay back down and just stare at the sky. She says "This is so much more beautiful with you here". I let out a breath I hadn't realized I had been holding. Should I tell her I am closeted? No, she might not date me, and I don't think I could handle that. I jsay "You're amazing". She chuckles "You never shy away from saying what's on your mind, do you?". I laugh and say "Not really, you better get used to it though". She replies "I think I already am" then she leans in to kiss me again. When we pull away I laugh. She starts walking toward the water and asks "Are you coming?" and holds out her hand. I nod and run to grab her hand. This all happened so fast in the course of a day I go from wanting to suppress everything about myself to wanting to be free with her. A girl, not a boy.

We walk into the calm ocean and just float on our backs looking up at the stars. I surprise myself by blurting out "I don't want to be a doctor. It's what my mom wants for me. If it weren't spring break would have to be home by now and studying. But thank god it isn't because I get to be here with you." after my declaration I look at her and see forever in her eyes. Her crystal blue eyes reflect perfectly with the light of the full moon. She takes my head in her hands and kisses me before saying "As long as you are happy, don't pay attention to anything else. My parents disowned me when I came out, and it was the most freeing experience ever. They weighed me down with their high expectations of me when they were lazy assholes who lived vicariously through me. I threw everything I worked for in high school away and chased my dream; or lack of one. I am a free spirit and I have never been so happy. I may have only just met you but we connect in a way I never have with anyone else and I hope you feel it to. I will always be here. Don't ever forget that." She ends her speech by kissing my forehead and pulling me close. We are in shallow water and I feel the waves hitting our ankles. The stars are beautiful, and the way they reflect in her eyes makes me love her more than the universe itself. I say "Thank you, so much. I am really sorry all of that happened but I am glad something good came of it. I am having such a great time but I think I should go home. I have to wake up early to meet with some girl at the beach in the morning." I chuckle and wink at her, she laughs in return before saying "Well then, let's get you home.".

We spend the whole drive listening to our favorite music and laughing. The top of her car is down and our laughter lights up the dark road. This is the kind of connection you only find in the movies, and it couldn't be better. That's when it hit me: This paradise won't last forever. A week to be specific. Then I have to go back to my closeted life, and my 'boyfriend'. After she stops laughing from her last comment she notices my change in mood, so she asks "What's up Blake, are you okay? You can talk to me." Her voice is soft and sympathetic. I say with sadness clear in my tone, "Is this just a spring fling? Or will you still want me after?" It isn't the whole truth, but not exactly a lie either. She gives a  light sigh of relief, then responds "Of course this isn't just a spring fling. If you knew me from high school you would know I am not that kind of person. I don't jump from girl to girl. I really like you Blake, and I hope something can really come from this relationship." She pulls into my neighborhood and slows down so I can tell her which house it is, then I sheepishly ask "Can I have your number?" She laughs at my awkwardness "Of course. You don't think I would kiss you without giving you my number?" I laugh nervously and say "I guess not". She pulls into my driveway and after parking writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to me. I smile at her and say "Thank you. I'll text you when I am done dealing with this shit storm," When I go to open the car door she lightly grabs my arm and says "Blake, I am always here. I promise." I nod before saying "Thank you. I am too. Tonight was great" I smile sweetly then get out of the car. When I step inside my parents are waiting for me on the couch. Immediately they say "Blake, what the hell were you doing out so late?!" I look at the clock and see it reads 10:30. I should say something, but I don't. I realized so many things about myself tonight, and I don't want to share any of it with them. I just say passive aggressively "Sorry that I was living my life." and rush to my room before they can stop me.

I hear them yelling after me as I slam my door shut. I feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. I feel so stupid for crying over such a small thing. I have hidden who I am from everyone around me including myself. I lived a life my family wanted me to, but it was never about me and what I wanted. I know that now. I know I am gay, I know I don't want to be a doctor, I know all of this. But knowing something doesn't stop the pain. It doesn't stop the stinging feeling when someone tells you who you are but that isn't you. It is all too much. In order to be happy I have to be honest with myself and the people around me but I am far too scared of what would happen. I already made the deal with Tucker and I want to follow through with it. After spring break I can get my life back in order. Until then...I hear my mom banging on the door yelling "Blake! Did you take your medicine this morning? You better not have skipped it. This isn't you! You never talk back to us like that!". I want to say Yeah mom. You're right this isn't me, but you also know what? I am not the girl you want me to be and you can shut your fucking mouth about it. But I don't say that. instead I just sob and dial Skylar's number, she answers immediately and asks what is wrong. I quietly say "I don't want to talk about it. Can you just stay on the line until I fall asleep? I need it to feel like you're here." She says "I have a better idea." She hangs up, and I'm left here alone with the sounds of my parent's yelling through the door and my quiet sobbing. Two more months until this will all be over.