Bianca's new life

Into mourning I go (Four)

Bianca Pov

I stared into space, it felt like everyone was watching me, (even though it was hours previous to this point), even though I knew it was only Teddy and I in the room, (I dunno where they went but they definitely weren't in the room with us), also I felt really nauseous but I really didn't want to get sick and I didn't need that shitty thing to happen on top of all the other shit, ya know.

Even though I knew that my Mum and I wouldn't ever have the mother/daughter relationship that we had back before she kicked me out, (being kicked out of your home does that), but before the phone call I thought that maybe things would get better between us, but I was wrong, (I should've known though, but I know that me saying doesn't change what actually happened).

"Bianca Sweetheart, what's up?"
"I don't know why I expected anything different from her but it still hurts to, to, to hear, (wet short gasp), that"
"I know it does Sweetie, I know"
"Is the problem here with me?"
"No Sweetheart, you're not the problem, the problem here is bigoted arseholes, do you know what my Dad did when he found out that I was actually Gay?"

I kind of knew what happened as there was a whole thing with Rowan's Mother and Teddy's Dad at Christmas before this, but I didn't know if he knew that I knew what went on, (though maybe he did know), so I didn't want to open up a can of worms that I couldn't close again, (as that's a disaster waiting to happen), plus you should hear out the person said shit happens to, ya know.

"No"
"He beat me up to try and beat the gay out of me, it didn't work as I'm still very fucking gay"
"Did it hurt when you were rejected?"
"Yes, it doesn't matter how bad the relationship between you is, it still hurts when you're rejected, but I know that I'm better off without him, and so you're better off without her, because if she can't love you unconditionally then it's not love"
"You sound very wise"
"Yeah well, I unfortunately had to have a similar chat with Ro about her Mum"

Teddy then gave me a hug, which was nice and warm and cosy, (if that makes any sort of sense to you), and while it didn't fix anything long term, (you can't really fix a parent rejecting you straight away), it did actually help make me feel better, (don't ask me how this works because I don't know mate), (and it didn't fix the issue at hand either, it just knocked a few dusk layers off Babes).

"How about a cuppa then?"
"Yeah, that would be nice thank you"

So Teddy went made us tea as you do, and it actually worked, (who would have thought?, because I wouldn't have), and I didn't know how much time had gone by but I don't think that mattered at that moment as the goal was to help cheer me up, (which I was cheered up, so I guess mission accomplished or something like that here).

I know that me moping around was not the healthiest way to deal with my emotions but I didn't know how else to deal with my emotions here, (other than like cry all the time and I didn't want to do that), but I guess that everyone knew that as I wasn't questioned on it at all, though looking back on it, Teddy did say about what happened with his Dad, so I guess that could be a reason why nobody asked about it, (or am I just reaching for reasons at this point?, who knows).

I felt like chopped liver and I didn't know how to deal with feeling that, (but then again I didn't know how to deal with any emotion other than numb), I also didn't know how to ask for help here, (but then again I'm still not great at that), so I just drank my tea and hoped that this feeling would just go away, (which I know isn't healthy but I didn't have other tools at the time).

While I was feeling all this and more, (which I was not dealing with healthily here), I did decide that I would never talk to her again, I know that she made it clear that her mind was made up, but even if she learned that she was wrong, I didn't think that I could stomach looking at her again, let alone having to hold a conversation with her, so that's why I decided to never speak to her again, (maybe it's drastic but it's for my own mental health).