More than Anything

Brielle

I don't know why I ever wanted Everly to come back to Watford. I don't now why I was ever concerned about her. I knew she would be fine, and she is; she's fine, and I hate her more than ever. I tried to help her (for reasons I don't know; I must've been possessed). All she did was push me away. I don't know what I expected, but I had almost thought that we could talk. It felt right, but everything told me that it was wrong. I should've listened to myself.
I wander the halls, not sure where I'm going. I just need to get as far away from Everly as I can. I occasionally look behind me to make sure no one's following me. I'm not sure who I think who would be following me; Everly, I guess, but she wouldn't follow me.
    I find myself down in the Catacombs, leaning my back against a wall made of skulls. The cool air causes goosebumps to form on my skin, and I shiver. I'm only in my Watford pajamas; I hadn't thought to bring anything else with me. I look around, and allow the silence of the Catacombs to calm me.
    The events of the past few days run through my head, skipping to my interactions with Everly. Last night, we had talked, and Everly had almost told me what was bothering her. At some point, her words were a bit hard to understand, her exhaustion slurring her words together. She had seemed so vulnerable, like she had let her walls down, like I was seeing the Everly that Grace mentioned. I had started to believe that maybe there was a side to Everly that I didn't know. Now, I'm sure that there isn't. She had stopped herself, and our moment was over.
    Tonight, something similar happened. The events are still clear in my head, like I'll never forget them. I had asked her why she saved me; I'm still confused as to why to this day. She could've left me to be Turned, and saved herself. There was no guarantee that she would get out of it alive, but she still saved me. My enemy saved me.
Everly had said that it was instinct, and I guess it was. I would've saved her if we had swapped positions, but I thought less of her. I thought that she would take that opportunity to get rid of me, use it as a way to say that my death was an accident.
But she didn't.
She saved me, and in a way, I guess I'll always owe her for that. The thought of owing her something unsettles me. She could easily make me do something terrible for her (I wouldn't be surprised).
Instead of asking for a favor, she had asked me if I thought that vampires were alive. I wasn't sure how to answer at first (I had never been asked that question) but once I had a response, I was certain that it was true. Vampires used to be human, and in a way, they still are. The only thing about the that has changed is that they drink blood, really. I don't know if their hearts still beat, but they still have one; they still feel. Feelings are the one thing that make us truly human, the thing that influences all of our decisions. Without them, I can't imagine what that would be like. I almost wonder if life would be easier if I didn't have to deal with all of the emotions bubbling up inside me. Everly wouldn't be able to annoy me anymore, but everything else would go with it; I wouldn't be able to eventually fall in love, and I don't want to miss out on that.
Everyone makes love seem like the best thing in the world. It could be, but I'm not sure. I've never been in love, and I don't know if I ever will be. I want to be, but I can't just force myself to fall in love. That's not how it works. Most people meet their match while at Watford; they have eight years to find someone, so I guess it's reasonable, but no one here is the one for me. No one here is the one I want.
The only person I have interest in right now is Asher, but that's never going to happen. I'm not even sure if our relationship would last if we did get together. He'd probably get to know me and realize that he doesn't want me anymore. That's what I think most people would do if they really knew me; if they weren't so set on knowing me because they think I'm the next Simon Snow, they would realize that I'm not special. But at least they would know the real me.
Who is the real me? I always thought I knew who I really was, but now I'm not so sure. I always thought that I wasn't a hero, but here I am, constantly throwing myself into dangerous situations. I always told myself that I wouldn't become Simon Snow, but I don't know. I'm starting to think that this is something like fate, or destiny, something that I can't prevent. Maybe I am becoming Simon. This is why I hate him. It's nothing against Simon himself—I'm sure he's a great person—but I don't want to be him. I don't want to constantly be compared to him, like I'm not my own person. Now, I'm not even sure that I am my own person.
I bury my head in my hands, and let out a strangled sob. Nothing makes sense, and I just wish it would. I can't take this anymore; I always pushed through, never gave up, but now, I'm in the Catacombs with tears streaming down my face. At least no one can see me like this, not that I really care if anyone sees me break. Maybe they would finally realize that I'm not as good as they think I am, that I'm not the invulnerable hero that they need.
I look down at my shaking hands. "Who are you?" I ask myself, my voice echoing off the walls. I pull my knees into my chest, and rock myself back and forth, listening as I'm asked the same question over and over: Who are you?
I cover my ears, fighting back a scream, no longer able to listen to my echoing voice. "Stop!" I shout, gasping for air through my tears. "I don't know!"
I lower my hands from my ears, and listen to my shouts echo through the Catacombs. Once my voice dies down, I still hear noise from somewhere farther away. I'm not alone.
I quickly push myself up to my feet, and head in the direction of the noise. I should just go back to my room, and hope that whoever is down here didn't hear me. That's what I should do, but that's not what I'm going to do. If someone is down here, it's almost certain that they heard me, and I need to make sure that they won't tell anyone.
Who could be down here? Everyone is gone except for Everly, but she was in our room when I left. She's probably reading or asleep by now.
I cast a quick spell to produce light from my wand, and walk through one of the tunnels, hoping that I'll be able to find my way back after this. I don't want to be stuck in the Catacombs for the rest of my life. That would be terrible.
I try to be as quiet as I can, not wanting to scare away whoever is here. Once I near the end of the tunnel, a figure comes into view. They catch sight of me, but make no move to leave. I should just head back, but I find myself unable to turn away. I take a step closer, and my light shines on their face.
Everly.
    "Everly?" She looks up at me, and I almost scream. The lower half of her face is covered in blood, and something in her mouth shines as my wand-light hits it. "What are you doing here?"
    She laughs, a cold, bitter laugh. I shiver. "What does it look like I'm doing?" Her words are slurred like they were last night.
    "I don't know," I say. "But you're covered in blood, and there's a bunch of dead rats at your feet."
    Everly laughs again. "Oh, really?"
    I nod. "I don't see what's so funny."
    I want to turn and run, to get out of here. Everly is literally covered in blood after probably killing all of those rats. She could easily kill me. But for some reason, I stay. For some reason, I think that she needs help, that I can give it to her.
    Everly brings a rat up to her face by its tail, watching it hungrily. I grimace when she bites into it, and realize that what I saw shining in her mouth were fangs. Why is she letting me see this?
    "Everly, stop!" I yell. She looks up at me from the rat, and something clicks, realization flashing in her eyes. She throws the rat away from her, and buries her head in her hands. Her sobs echo through the Catacombs, and I don't know what to do. I take a step closer, reaching a hand out to touch her back. She immediately jumps away, and breaks down into another fit of sobs.
    "Don't come near me!" she shouts. I take a step back, holding up my hands in surrender. "Just get out of here."
    "No," I say, unsure of why I can't just listen to her. She just sucked the blood out of those rats, and could easily drink all of my blood. "I won't leave you alone."