How to not mess this up #malec fanfiction

Love it if we made it

"You're fucking kidding me, right?" Alec yelled so loudly that Magnus almost put his hands to his ears. It was not a pleasant sound.

It had been about a couple of months now and Alec had had another period of depression and one period of mania, both for which Magnus had been there. It had not been pretty but Magnus hadn't let his guard down. But it did take its toll on both of them, Alec saw how much he hurt Magnus and this made it even worse, when he was like this, and Magnus was helpless in helping him. Even after the periods of illness, Alec was trying to shut himself off, so he wouldn't hurt Magnus, which of course, hurt even more. Magnus knew that the period of depression or mania, for that matter, can always hit them when least expected. That had happened just two days ago, when Alec once again had one of his mania periods. He had woken up before Magnus, because Magnus had been exhausted from work that he had been doing non-stop to get the bike, that needed to be custom-made by him, ready for the customer. Alec had gone to the city and done a lot of things that were the cause of his yelling at the moment.

"How could you let me do that? It was my job, Magnus, I loved that job!" Alec was still yelling. Magnus rubbed his face in his hands and mumbled something. Alec looked at him sternly and loudly said "What?" Magnus pulled his chin up and looked Alec in the eye when he said "I didn't know you had gone to the tattoo parlour and quit. But we can fix that. We just have to go there and explain what-" but before Magnus could calmly end his sentence, Alec was yelling again "And say what? That I have a bipolar disorder? That I can't handle the job that I love doing? Don't you understand, this was never supposed to happen!" 

Magnus found himself yelling back, not realizing he had taken many steps towards Alec "So you blame me? I didn't know, Alexander! And I was worried sick, or are you forgetting that I was the one who called all of our friends to literally make a search party for you, when you were running around New York?" Alec's eyes widened but Magnus kept going "We found you, and when you told us what you had done, we did everything to make it all okay again. I was here, wasn't I? You can't expect me to actually telepathically know where you had run off to, can you? But when I did find you, I stayed with you, didn't I?"

Alec groaned in frustration. He was now pacing around his living room and Magnus watched him with eyes burning from unshed tears. He hadn't realized this but he felt like he did want to cry. But Alec was still not himself and Magnus didn't want to trigger any other reaction from him, so he held himself back. He tried softly "Alexander, we can fix this. Are you even taking your medicine?" Alec stopped pacing and looked at him. His eyes were hooded, like he hadn't been sleeping properly and his face was creased with worry and anger. "Fix this? You mean fix me." he said flatly, ignoring the second part of Magnus' sentence. Magnus took a step towards him and put a hand on his shoulder, saying "Alexander, you know that's not what I meant."

Alec shrugged his hand off and said "But you should've. This is not going away. I mean, I could've done things much worse. And when I have one of my periods of depression, I could do worse. I just-" he sighed. Magnus tried again "You know I am here for you. And I can't make this go away, but I can be here for you, whenever you need me." Alec shook his head and Magnus realized there were tears on his cheek "Magnus, this is not going to work." Magnus took a small step back and held up his hands as in defeat "You want someone to blame? Alright, blame me. If it makes you feel better, blame me. You're right, I should've been there for you, sooner."

Alec looked at him, startled. He whispered "Magnus, I can't do that to you. This is why it can't work. I will keep blaming you for things you couldn't possibly control. It's not me, not really, but when I have these...periods of disease, you will be the one in my way and I can't let you take the hit, all the time. I don't even know what I'm doing." He sat down on the armrest of the couch, looking at the ceiling, the walls, anywhere but Magnus. Magnus swallowed hard and when he spoke again, it was like his throat had become sandpaper "I want us to make it. Don't you?" He heard his voice - it was pleading, but he didn't care. He just wanted Alec to look at him.

He did, with sad eyes and when he spoke Magnus could hear the quiver in his voice "I'd love it if we made it. But I just don't see that happening." Magnus felt like his ears were filled with water and he couldn't quite hear what Alec was saying. Not accepting what was happening he once again advanced towards Alec and this time Alec didn't shake his hands off, when Magnus put them on his shoulders. Magnus said in a quiet voice "Alexander. I am not leaving you." Alec looked at the ceiling again, letting the tears fall and said "I'm not giving you a choice, Magnus."

Magnus shook his head, not processing anything Alec was saying. "Why are you doing this? Don't I have a say in this? I know I can do this, I just want to be with you. I don't care what you do or say, because I know it's not really you talking. Just let me be with you. I can make it better." Magnus noticed vaguely that he was now crying, too, but ignored it, when he touched his forehead to Alec's, closing his eyes. He could hear the shaky breathing of Alec. He himself was holding his breath, afraid what Alec was going to say next because he knew that it was going to hurt anyway.

Alec put his hands to Magnus' face, holding it in place. "Magnus, I think what I need is to be alone. I am making your life harder than it has to be, but I am also lying to myself. I am not better. I need to figure out how to deal with this. On my own." Magnus shook his head, as if that made all of it go away. He just wanted to help. But how can you help someone who does not want to be helped? He took in a shaky breath and raised his eyes to Alec's, who was looking at him, smiling sadly. He was beautiful, even when he was crying. A strand of his hair was falling onto his eyes and Magnus raised his fingers to brush them away. He touched Alec's cheek, his fingers trembling.

"I love you." he tried desperately. Alec closed his eyes, like he was hurt, and whispered "That's not fair. You know I love you, too." Magnus replied "Then let me try and help you. We can do this together. If you love me-" He realized that Alec had already made up his mind but he didn't care. He felt like his world was spinning faster and faster by the minute. He couldn't breathe. Alec brushed his lips against Magnus and with every fiber of his being, Magnus kissed him. His mind knew this could be the last time he could ever do this, at least for a long while, but his heart refused to believe it.

Alec kissed him sweetly, like he was trying not to hurt him, but he had already done it. When he pulled away, Magnus tried not to cry out in frustration. "You know I love you." Alec repeated. He was not crying anymore, there was some kind of determination in his voice. Magnus nodded and replied "This is not goodbye, right? This is a 'I'll be seeing you?'" Alec bit his lip and looked like he might cry again but his eyes remained dry when he nodded. "Promise?" Magnus asked with a whisper. Alec's voice trembled when he said "Yes, I promise." And Magnus knew he was lying. Because he couldn't possibly know what might happen.

Magnus straightened himself. He still felt like he couldn't breathe, like his vision was spinning and his heart shrank into nothing. His hands were still in Alec's and he took a few steps back, letting them slip away from him. Alec looked at him with so much sorrow and apology in his eyes, that Magnus felt it impossible to leave. But he did. He turned around and took a step towards the door. Then another. Before he knew it he was out the door and he didn't look back once. 

He walked home. The sun was shining and the people on the street rushed by, like it was just another Monday. They didn't know that Magnus felt like he was in a daze. Like he was getting sick, sicker with every step he took away from Alec. His feet carried him home, without himself even realizing it. Once he got home, he felt them give and he fell to the floor, silently crying. He gasped for air. He couldn't breathe without him. He couldn't breathe.