postcards and Polaroids

I'd never let you go my dear

Kellins pov

  like clock work I woke up a minute or two before nurses came bustling in with Medications to be shoved down our throats. Gerard had his face pressed against my chest. I could feel the warm air from his nose through my shirt. My cheeks became flushed as I thought back to yesterday. Last night me and Gerard had sex. For the first time. I sighed getting up kissing Gee on his lips before sitting on my own bed. Not even thirty seconds later two nurses come into the room the clock reads Six am.

"Nightmares?"

I shake my head.

"problems with medication?"

I shake my head.

"Issues using the bathroom?"

"Appetite loss or increase?"

"Mood swings?"

   she jots a few things down after I shake my head at her intrusive questions. "okay here's your meds." taking them I swallow them down with the water I was given. Opening my mouth so she could see that I actually took them. She nodded at me and left the room and soon enough me and Gee were alone again.

"Mornin baby." He mumbles leaning down to kiss my lips. I kiss him back wrapping my arms around his torso. "Morning Gee. I mumble into his shoulder. My reply muffled by his clothes. He smiles at me and then sighs. "I'm gonna miss you out there today." He says and I look down at my hands as they fidget with each other. I feel guilty. "I know but we have mandatory room time for an hour and remember at night I'm all yours Gee." I tell him shifting so I'm sitting on his lap. Looking into his hazel eyes. "I know baby. I know." He responds kissing my temple. I smile at him. I can feel my cheeks go pink.

The familiar sound of our door clicking lets us know that they are unlocked and we can now come and go as we please it also means its breakfast time. I kiss Gee one more time on the lips. "will you sit by me at therapy?" He asks me running his fingers through his greasy black hair. "I'll try... I'll probably be sitting by Vic but you could always just sit beside me on the other side." I assure him with a smile. I stand up my joints making loud popping noises. Gee smiles at me getting up doing our hygiene things and heading off to the café to get food. I sat down at a table by myself.

"Hey baby how'd you sleep?" A voice came startling me. Vic looked me in my eyes and I looked down at my fingers. Guilt. How did I sleep? I slept fantastic. I slept peacefully. Peaceful and fantastically in another mans arms the day you got back from suicide watch. Fantastic in my other boyfriends arms after we had sex.

"I slept okay how about you?"

He sat down next to me. "Eh My roommate is that Dun kid and he Just taps on everything, its kind of annoying." He said taking a bite of his wheat pancake. Brown and soggy soaked with syrup that was so watered down it shouldn't even be called syrup anymore.

"I really missed you Kells." He whispered laying his head on my shoulder.

"I missed you too baby." I say turning to kiss him on the lips.

He smiles at me before looking down at my un touched tray.

"Your going to eat aren't you?" A small frown crawled onto his lips.

"I- Of course baby, I just wanted to catch up with you for a while first." I said smiling at him I took a bite of my apple and a sip of my water and he smiled at me. I love his smile. Everything about him made me happy and bubbly. I watched him finish his food. One hand holding his fork the other hand holding mine under the table.

I missed this so much. Touching hugging kissing just being around Vic the love of my life.

Across the Café I made Eye contact with Gee who looked like someone ran over his dog right in front of him. Broken and sad. Could his feelings really be that strong for me? We only dated about two weeks. I tare my gaze from Gerard and pay attention to Vic who nudged my tray closer to me. I took a few more bite of my food before he smiled at me and kissed my cheek. "You did so good." I felt my cheeks go pink.

I watched Vic throw out both of our trays. Before coming back over and sitting next to me. "So Did they give you a date for when you get out of here?" He asked looking at me.

"It was supposed to be two weeks ago but I'm pretty sure They added two more months and Im sure that im never going to get out of here." I responded with a frown. I looked down at my hands. Something I seemed to do often when I was feeling anxious. Vic brought his hands to both sides of my face. Making so that we were looking each other in the eyes.

"You will get out of here Kellin I promise you." He said in a serious tone. I looked at him and blinked. Didnt he understand? Im broken. I'll never be fixed and they will keep adding time to my stay. I may never leave again.

"What about you? What's your date?" I asked wanting to take the attention off of me.

"Three months they said. It would have been today if I hadn't done what I did." He said looking down.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you do it Vic?"

"I-"

"Why did you try to kill yourself?" I asked in a hushed tone. Tears threatened to spill from my eyes. Vic just looked everywhere except for at me.

"Answer me. I- I deserve an answer."

"You- you wouldn't talk to me. You- the love of my life wouldn't even talk to me. I wrote you letters I tried to keep hope that you- that you still loved me. But it was getting harder and harder every single day. And every time I saw you with him. Holding his hand. Kissing him. Hugging him. Smiling at him. It tore me apart. I came down to the conclusion that you hated me or you forgot about me. I couldn't live knowing that you could possibly hate me. I couldn't live Knowing you weren't going to be mine. but- you'd be his." He concluded wiping at his eyes.

I pulled him into a tight hug. His tears dampened my shirt. His tears like knives stabbing me repeatedly in my heart. I hated this. I hated this so much. Seeing Vic in pain. Seeing Vic cry. It broke my heart. It scrambled my insides. It dismembered the important parts of my brain. It tore me limb from limb. It terrorized my soul. It hurt so bad. So much worse then any injury I ever had in my life. This pain. Was capable of mass destruction. And I hate it.

"I'm so sorry Vic."

"Never again."

"N-Never again."

"Me and you."

"Yea me and you."

"Forever?"

"Forever."

Vic held his pinky out for me and I wrapped mine around his. We kissed our pinkies at the same time sealing the promise of forever that we had just made. I giggle at him and look at the clock. I sigh. "Group therapy."

"Glad your back in the swing of things." Vic mumbled kissing me on the cheek as we fell in step with Jack and Alex. They were holding hands and Jack was making some inappropriate Joke that we all laughed along too. Gerard was at the back of the line walking slowly and talking to himself. He wiped his eyes and I frowned knowing that he was crying. I wanted to soothe the boy but I couldn't blow our cover. He'd just have to hold on till Room time.

Gerard sat next to me opposite of Vic. Vic shot daggers at Gee with his eyes. He held my hand and brushed his thumb over my knuckles. I mouthed a sorry to Gee. he just looked away from me. I just leaned my head on Vics shoulder I was so confused.

Isnt this what Gee wanted. He's so confusing.