The Firefly Field Theory

|2| This is Exactly Why I Don't Drink: Part IV

PART IV:

"I've tried everything I could mom, I didn't run away. I pulled myself together after everything I have been through. I spend so long I mended everything. But I guess I forgot me huh?" a sad laugh escapes my mouth, a defeated laugh,"or maybe I didn't want to mend or change anything about me? Is that it?"

No answers just the exercise of facial muscles.

I continue. Though I don't want to.

"She said I am selfish. And a cold rock. And that I don't feel for anyone. But tell me do you really think that is possible? for a human not to feel?"

No answers just sad WIWWU expressions.

But I continue. Though I don't want to.

"I guess it is possible. Nobody in high school felt for me did they? Nobody saved me from drowning like Rahul saved Maria. No one stood up for me when I was treated like shit!"

My jaw tenses up and my teeth grind into each other as I struggle to keep my composure. I feel the pressure in my neck and a pounding pulse in my temples.

Screw tolerance. Screw Samha. Screw being me.

No answers is all I ever get.

But I go on now, because it is so much like talking to myself. And that is all that has ever worked. Even though I am tired of talking to myself.

"I will answer all your questions in order of importance, okay?"

Because I know you have been labouring under the same misapprehension as all of the people I have ever known.

She nods. I start answering.

"Maria got thrown into a Lake Silver and she was here to blame me for it."

Mom makes a sad face and asks what I dreaded she would."Was it your fault honey?"

"No." I reply in a tone that is calm but equally hurt.

"I have already told you what she said. And I can answer the next question by just this. I can feel mom, I am hurt and I am lost and maybe the reason is that somewhere in all that she said I believe her and maybe you do too. Maybe I am a stone but at the moment I am a cracked one. Even stones crack open, mom."

A tear spills out and rolls over her cheek. It is a sign of defeat, confirmation enough that she does think so.

"What has happened? For me, I am beginning to think that my life is and always will be meaningless. For you, She thought I ruined the so called 'biggest night of her life!'," I air quote it, and continue my voice rising in my fury, "oblivious to the fact that she has ruined the only happiness I felt after four years of bullshit!".

I calm myself and go on answering.

"As to why people can't just deal with what I am? I think that if people were capable of doing that they would'nt want to kill each other."

I feel a hot tear run down my cheek and I try to remember the last time I cried. The last time I cried in front of mom. The last time I told her anything.

Because talking to her is like talking to the walls. I don't think she could help me, even if she wanted to she is the passerby I have stopped to ask directions from a million times and every time I drive away because she doesn't know how to help me.

But there is one question I have yet to answer. It looms in the room waiting to be noticed. I notice it because when I said I will answer in order of importance. I meant it from moms' angle not mine. Mine is the other way round.