The Firefly Field Theory

|3| You're Going To Hurt Yourself: Part IV

PART IV:

It so happened that I didn’t call Maria after our little confession, but Naomi did bother calling me on Thursday, the morning which followed the explosion at my place.

I knew exactly what she would say to me, if she called, and I knew exactly what to say too. She said she didn’t go to lacey’s party and only heard about the drowning incident today, she said she would have stopped Maria from coming to my place if she had the chance, she said that Maria probably didn’t mean whatever she said to me and finally she said  she was sorry. I saw all of that coming.

To be fair, I believe everything she says except the last two predicates. If Maria was so drunk that she lost all her reasoning that night, and she didn’t mean a word she said, I want to ask Naomi if Maria is still under the alcohols influence after 48 hours of consumption and it has not yet occurred to her that something is awfully wrong. Also I don't believe the last three words either, she can’t be feeling sorry for me as she is not the one who was insulted for being lackluster and remote. I didn’t say any of the things I wanted to say instead I said what I was supposed to say, that it was okay and I'm over it. And I’ll apologize as soon as things cool down a bit. Needless to say I didn’t utilize my chance to speak honestly either.

And then I told her I was going to Pakistan. This took her by surprise. As I said she thinks that I hate the place, another pitiful example of how well they know me. She wished me good luck and said I should keep in touch. I said I will. After I hung up. I silently prayed I never have another fake conversation like this one in my life. Nothing is worse than saying things only because you have to, offering fake support and fake condolences because you chose to act like you care.

I was so completely absorbed that I didn’t notice mom was standing outside my room, eavesdropping on me. So when I was done with the conversation, I mumbled to myself. And that was a big mistake, mom heard every single word. There is no going back on that. I can’t just say mom I was just joking around with myself so I wasn’t really hurt when I said what I said.

“Sam you know life is never about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.” she says with the motherly sweetness that so often makes troubled kids cry.

“That is beautiful.” I say and look away.

“My dad used to say it to me, when I used to have trouble fitting in.”, she says.

She had trouble fitting in? That is one more thing I didn’t know. I turn to look at her again.

“Well, I never knew what to say to anyone, I was always so reclusive I couldn’t carry on with a conversation.” she continues.

“But I didn’t become bitter over it, people will always find new ways to pin you down, but you have to struggle to make your life perfect.”

I think about how it must’ve broke my mom’s heart when she heard me say to myself, ”I don't know what mom is thinking dragging me out of here like this, take me to every corner of the globe, I will still be an unwanted misfit. I don't see how getting away is going to fix anything. When I asked for help I didn’t have this in mind, I said help me find meaning, meaning to life, the damned meaning to my useless life, if it is hidden somewhere in that blasted country, why isn’t the godamned world settled there!!” I really lost my nerve and I'm feeling sorry mom had to hear that. She walked in right after the last syllable left my mouth and I turned in shock, she hugged me and then spent an hour trying to talk some sense into me.

It ended with a promise, she asked me to promise I will make the best effort I can and not be the dull and reticent girl I am. She said if I convince myself I am a misfit, I might never find a place to belong to. Like a jig-saw piece you just can’t fit into the entire puzzle. I told her that I can’t fake concern or lie to people like that. And mom said that the only reason I have come to hate fake-ness of the people around me is that they actually were not my family. She said my theory didn’t apply to family, because a family is like a body, if a single part hurts the whole body is in pain. She said family members are not faking concern and the only reason I have stopped believing in the good of the world is because I have shut myself from it.

I promised mom I will not cut myself from everybody. And I promised myself I will not become that piece of the puzzle, which is destined to be a meaningless riddle forever. That it didn’t matter if people wanted anything to do with finding meaning to me. All that mattered was that I had to find it.

I pull on head phones over my ears and only take them off, when it’s time for breakfast. After eating up mom and I try to catch some sleep, I am tired of speculating and mom is tired of being nervous.

I think about how life is capable of being perfect for an instant only. Then I think of the firefly field I dreamt about. I still don't know what the dream means, not that I think it is all that important. But my will is breaking and I want reason to believe that, like mom said, we could actually make life perfect.

I imagine standing in a field of a million fireflies like in my dream. Intermittent glows illuminating the field. At one instant a single  firefly is aglow, and then the next moment the light switch is turned off, no light, no firefly. So there is light for an instant and then there isn’t any. Only darkness. The fireflies keep floating about clueless the whole time.

I like to imagine the instant when life could be perfect. If there are a million or so fireflies in this field and if they are all blinking from time to time, there will be a single second in all the time you spend standing there that you will see a huge flash before your eyes. In that very second, all the fireflies will glow together, blinding your vision. And at that very instant; life becomes perfection. All the clichés we often associate with happiness are condensed in that moment. That single flash contains all the moments when we feel oh so alive, our spirit soars and hearts fill up with joy. The moments in which we consider ourselves to be living the best and the most. Moments that are so far apart, we tend to forget them. Making us wait even more desperately for their arrival. Refusing to believe that life is good until the fireflies glow together; until life becomes momentarily perfect.

But the mini-instant life could possibly be perfection has a distasteful catch; it never lasts. The instant ends, life returns to its imperfect self. The fireflies continue to glow in their sporadic ways: like light trapped in pieces of shattered glass. All the good and bad things continue happening in their unplanned patterns. As they put it life goes on.

But I can’t remember the last time I actually thought life was good. As much as I deny it, I am so desperately wishing my firefly field will flash for an instant. And give me some hope. Give me happiness or at the very least give me meaning.

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