Lottie

Painful Conversations

Apart from the initial hugs and smiles from Hershel and Beth, there wasn't a lot of joy when the group returned to the prison.

Lottie spent majority of her days inside the cell or on runs with Rick. She avoided Glenn and Maggie because they'd spent all their time angry at Merle and suggesting Daryl had turned to the other side.

Lottie often spoke to Rick about how Merle had saved her, and promised to save Daryl. Rick had conflicted feelings but knew Daryl wouldn't abandon the group. Lottie kept reminding everyone that even Merle himself had said Daryl was captured.

Rick, Lottie and Carl spent a lot of time together in the prison, Carl kept pointing out the father-daughter relationship Lottie and Rick had.

She started to become poorly, no one understood why, not even Hershel could figure it out. Lottie knew, she was giving most of her food rations to Carl who had some of his cut because he was younger and smaller.

One evening, while cradling Judith in her cell, with Beth sat next to her like they had done before Maggie and Glenn had been snatched, Lottie sat in her normal state of worry about Daryl.

Beth tried often to cheer her up and keep her optimistic, but Lottie couldn't help but notice the lack of urgency they had for a rescue mission, and because she was ill, Rick refused to let her go on her own to negotiate.

Carl tiptoed into the cell and asked to speak to Lottie, Beth took the opportunity to go for a shower and a nap.

"I want to save Daryl." Carl said simply, as he sat next to Lottie in Beths place.

"Me too," she sighed still rocking Judith, "but we can't." 

"You do love him don't you?" Carl asked.

"You know I do."

"Why can't we go then?"

"Because I'm ill and you're little," she smiled sympathetically. "We'd put him at more risk."

"I'm not little." Carl said angrily.

"You're more little than me and I'm not allowed to go, so you're not allowed to go."

Carl sighed and slouched against the wall. He looked over at Judith, sound asleep.

"You seem to have done that before." Carl said smiling. "Do you want kids at some point?"

"I'd love to," Lottie said, "but I can't."

"What do you mean?"

"Some women just can't have kids, that's just life sometimes. I'll spare you the details. I could have them, my body just can't carry them long enough." She smiled through the pain of that sentence.

"That's sad." Carl said. "Have you told Daryl?"

"I've told him everything but that, I just couldn't bring myself to do it for some reason." She admitted sadly.

"Well it's not all bad, maybe one day you'll find someone who doesn't have parents and you could love them!" Carl grinned.

"See, hope isn't all lost!" Lottie said, mainly trying to convince herself of that.

Carl grinned and walked away, down the stairs and to get food.

Lottie sat still, as a silent tear trickled down her face as she watched the peaceful sleeping Judith.

"I hope you have a better life than me, I hope this world doesn't tear you up too." Lottie whispered to the little bundle.