fear of fears // gawsten

!chapter three!

[geoff's pov]

awsten doesn't trust me? really? i've spilled my guys out to him and he can't tell me one little thing about himself? i feel sick. this dude knew almost everything about me and i knew close to nothing about him. i screwed up. now, if only i could say something 'bitchy' in response without making awsten piss himself.

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my mouth wasn't numb anymore but i still hadn't really spoken real words since yesterday morning. it's called the silent treatment and it'll drive awsten absolutely insane. i smirked at the thought of it all.

"well, otto, now we got a fucking mute in the band," awsten yelled to otto who was in the kitchen.

"he's not a mute, he's probably just sore still," otto came in with salads for the three of us and sat down next to me. i kinda just stared at my salad for a bit, i hadn't been able to eat that much because my mouth still hurt for some reason. a lot.

"cavity fillings don't leave you sore for days, dumbass."

"sorry, i wouldn't know," the curly haired boy mumbled, beginning to eat his salad.

"why won't you fucking speak, geoff?" awsten's cold glare was now fixed on me. fuck. i grabbed my salad bowl and started to eat, little shocks of pain striking me every time i bit down on the lettuce. "see, he is a mute." you could hear hints of panic in awstens voice when he said that. my plan was gonna work. i'll make him break.

"talk!" the blue haired boy screamed, pushing me back.

"leave him alone," otto stated but you could tell he didn't really care that much.

"geoff, please." i shook my head, avoiding eye contact. he was basically sitting on my lap now, his face was severely close to mine.. i was... uncomfortable? i think? who knows. he set his soft hands on my chin, turning my head slowly so that i'd be looking at him.

"talk to me," he whispered. yeah, i was hella uncomfortable.

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day eight of not talking, awsten decided to quit too so maybe, just maybe, my plan isn't working like i thought it would.

that's what i had been thinking.. until now.

awsten had come in and sat down next to me on my bed, i was doing random shit on my phone and he was observing—quietly of course.

he cleared his throat then said, "hey." just 'hey.' wow, very cool, awsten.

"i know i was a little harsh or whatever at the dentist but what you're doing is petty! we both, as in otto and me, really miss talking to you, you're a third of the band and if we don't have your voice, we're broken, we wouldn't work." likely story. you guys just hate the idea of having a mute in the band. "please, just talk to me," he pleaded.

i shook my head, i don't really know why i was still doing this to be honest, it hasn't gotten me closer to awsten so far but maybe, because he's talking again, i'll get something out of him.

"cmon.." i think i've almost grown used to not talking at all. the scrawny boy took my hands in his and looked into my eyes, i looked back into his. "listen, i care about you and i know for a fact that not talking to people is super bad for you, especially for your mental health. not talking to people gives you more time to think about different things, usually negative things, and i know you've struggled with depression and, ya know, your redacted shit so i'm just trying to look out for you, i don't want you to go back to that shit, okay?" towards the end of awsten's speech, otto had come into my room too and he was now staring at me, expecting me to respond but i didn't, i just shook my head again which made awsten groan.

"what do you want me to say? what will make you talk again?" i thought about it for a bit but i kinda knew what i wanted him to say.

i cleared my throat before saying, "what are you afraid of?" his eyes grew and he turned to face otto then to face me.

"i-i can't tell you that, im sorry." i just shrugged in response.

"wait," he paused to ask otto to leave and continued when he left the room, "is this seriously what this was all about?"

i nodded slightly, "kinda."

"kinda?"

"its just.. i realized that you knew close to everything about me and i know nothing about you and im kinda upset about that."

"oh."

"can you tell me some more stuff about you?"

"i guess.. uhmm... goddamn, geoff, why the fuck did you make this so awkward, oh my god.. okay, whatever, uhh.."

"anything personal."

"my fears.. well for starters, i don't fuck with blood, i have this weird thing where i feel like i could start to choke at any fucking time and just die like that, thats kinda personal and strange. uhm.. heights. fear of failing and not being enough.. being alone? i don't know."

"what was the one that you were afraid of telling me about?"

"i didn't say it."

"say it."

he sighed, "basically public humiliation or someone spreading my past around to everyone."

"your past?"

"i don't wanna talk about it, its stupid and im not trying to be upset today so i'll save it for another time, okay? you gonna start talking regularly now?" i nodded and he slowly put his arms around me to hug me but quickly pulled away when he got a text from someone and left my room while answering it.

something still felt wrong, i didn't feel quite right. i felt like awsten was still trying to hide something from me.

hi im super sad right now what the fuck is this shit lolol >:(