fear of fears // gawsten

!chapter twelve!

tw : throwing up ; small timeskip 📼 awsten had been living back with his parents for the whole month of november + over half of december

awsten got out of his old, beat up car and approached the apartment building that he used to call home. he shakily rose a hand up to the doorbell to ring it then waited patiently for someone to answer.

awsten wore a massively oversized black and red colorblock hoodie with some black skinny jeans, the hoodie hung down almost past his knees. his hair was grown out quite a lot, his dark roots were very prominent, his cheekbones and jawline were as well.

there was a loud thud from behind the door suddenly and awsten smiled to himself, he remembered from when he lived there that they hardly ever got company and would race to the door to see who it was all the time.

after a few clicks that came from the locks on the door, it swung open to reveal a familiar curly haired boy. otto. the boy was only wearing a long salmon colored t-shirt and black running shorts. of course.

"awsten!" he almost squealed. another familiar figure, a brunette boy, came from the darkness of the living room into the light that was being cast by the outside's bright, snowy landscape.

"hey, otto," awsten greeted, still smiling his wide, infectious smile. he then looked up at the taller brunette, "and geoff."

the brunette, or geoff, looked like he was about to burst into tears which worried awsten a little bit.

"something wrong, geo-" awsten was cut off by the taller who was now lifting him up off the ground and nearly suffocating him with a hug. "oh god, geoff!" the blue haired boy giggled.

when geoff put the other boy down almost instantly though, awsten noticed that geoff's smile had faded. "well you've gotten..smaller." otto's eyes grew large, his mouth hanging open a little.

"i knew something was off," he said, pulling the youngest boy, rather harshly, inside by his arm. "on the scale," he added when they were in the bathroom.

awsten sported his what confused expression, "why.?"

geoff noticed how big awsten's jeans were on him and then his small hands.

"i don't feel comfortable doing that, you know how i was, that'll send me spiraling back, guys," awsten claimed, scratching the back of his neck.

"but awsten-"

"i said no, please don't beg," awsten stated. "that's final," there was clear frustration spread all over his face. however, it wasn't frustration towards them, it was toward himself. he wasn't hiding it well already and he had only been there for about five minutes.

📼

[geoff's pov]

there was something off about awsten. his face. his weight. the way he was speaking. everything. not just something, everything. he wasn't himself, maybe living with his parents changed him. reformed him.

he was going to be living with us both in my room for the rest of the month. let's see, that's... december 20th through the 31st. oh god. eleven days. did i mention this was a trial thing? he's trying to figure out where he wants to stay for work. since the band broke up, he's been giving guitar lessons to people again.

he really didn't know what he wanted, he was clearly spiraling back already, i knew it. i didn't have the heart to say anything though.

when i picked him up, he was lighter than ever, i felt his ribs through the hoodie he was wearing. i don't know why he can't get past this little disorder. or big disorder. i can't imagine what goes through his head to make him starve himself. he was never not thin. not even before his eating disorder, i've seen the pictures. he was a fucking stick since day one.

[awsten's pov]

well shit. i'm screwed. i'm so so so screwed. geoff can see through all of my fucking bullshit. i can't live here, i gotta get out of here.

📼

[third person pov]

it was awsten's second day back at the apartment, he seemed uneasy which worried geoff.

"hey, awsten?"

"huh?" he replied, his head shooting up from his phone to look at geoff.

the brunette sighed as he saw the slight terror in his eyes. "i was- i was just going to ask if you'd like to go out with me today. but if you're not ready for that, that's alright."

it took awsten a few minutes to respond, he was clearly thinking about the consequences of going out today.

geoff was right, awsten wasn't the same anymore. his colorful, dual-colored eyes were dull now, his face looked lifeless; he was abnormally pale. he wasn't the same obnoxious awsten he was before.

"sure, where are we going then?" the blue haired boy responded finally.

"let's go to.." geoff paused to think about it, "denny's. for breakfast," he decided, as he looked at the clock. 8:32 am.

you could see the way awsten tensed up when he mentioned the restaurant but he agreed nonetheless.

📼

"you ate well," geoff said, clearly surprised by that.

"i was hungry," awsten frowned, "did i eat too much?"

"no no no, you're fine, i just don't remember you having a big appetite," the brunette said, patting his back as they walked back to geoff's car.

"yeah, me neither," the younger mumbled, slightly disappointed with himself as he looked down and held his arm awkwardly.

geoff noticed that and quickly lifted awsten's chin up so he was now looking up at him. "look, awsten. i really appreciate you eating like that now, you had me worried yesterday. i really thought you weren't eating again. don't feel bad for eating as much as you did, that was a normal amount."

awsten nodded and smiled a small, fake smile as they got into the car and drove off.

📼

tw

awsten was sitting in he bathroom, holding his knees to his chest as he thought about what he was about to do. he tried to tell himself that it was going to be fine and that it was the best for him but he still felt guilty. should he really do this? geoff was so happy about what happened at denny's earlier.

before he could decide, he felt it coming up on its own. awsten hovered over the toilet as he threw up his 'big' breakfast.

he leaned back when he was done, panting a little, his throat felt raw again.

"fuck," he muttered.

i didn't plan for this chapter to be this long so whoops. stay safe.