fear of fears // gawsten

!chapter seven!

awsten's pov

i scrolled through instagram on my phone, occasionally looking up at geoff. he wasn't in the mood to talk which was understandable but i was having trouble staying quiet. i know that if i said anything he wouldn't respond so i was saving myself from the embarrassment.

otto had put something heavy in front of the door so we couldn't leave. bummer. just another reason why i hate my eating disorder. all of my muscle and strength is gone so i'm not strong enough to open the door with the thing in the way. geoff was strong enough but he wasn't trying to get out.

after a little while, otto came in with food for both of us before locking us in again. my stomach growled as i looked at the food and pushed it away. i saw my ex shoot me a glare before opening his mouth.

"awsten, eat."

but i still refused. i had lost my appetite and i wasn't about to gain weight.

"i'll get otto in here. eat."

as if geoff had summoned him right then, he appeared at the door again and approached me with a stern-like look on his face.

"wha—"

"—eat," he cut me off, kneeling down and pushing the food back toward me. he watched me expectantly, waiting for me to do so but i didn't.

geoff got up and stood right in front of me, hovering. god, i hate this. "eat, you haven't eaten since this morning, i saw."

"both of you, step back or i won't, jeez." i sounded really nervous, fuck. i quickly picked the sandwich up and ate some of it and the two let out sighs of relief. jeez. that doesn't mean anything, i could literally go and purge. but i won't. i won't. i can't. recovery. i must recover.

geoff's phone started to ring and he gasped when he saw the number.

"who is it?"

"my doctor.."' he sighed, answering it, "hello?" his eyes only grew larger as the phone call went on. i wonder what the doctor was saying.. it could be anythi—

"—i-i-i have to get a flu shot...well, they recommended it," his eyes started to fill with salty tears turning his bright blue eyes into bright blue oceans, "an-and-and i have to cause i have to be a responsible adult now," he continued, leaning against the wall i was sitting against and sliding down into a sitting position, like i was. yes, he was an adult but a responsible one was a stretch.

"hey, it's gonna be okay, it'll go so quickly, it doesn't even hurt, dude," i tried to comfort but he shook his head.

"no! and it's gonna suck even more now!"

"why?"

"cause you're not gonna be there with me! i have to go alone. thanks a lot, awsten."

a wave of guilt hit me again, god i really fucked up, didn't i? "geoff, you're not even taking how i feel into consideration. this isn't just hurting you, it's hurting me too. you just gotta understand how i felt about our relationship and where it was going. please."

"our relationship was fine! we were happy, you just like to fuck with my emotions cause you don't trust me. it's not my fault that your little ex girlfriend fucked you up that bad, giving you trust issues. it's not like you're the only person that's ever been cheated on, stop acting like it was worse than it really was! get over it!" i felt my heart ache when he brought up my girlfriend. it was unbearable.

"i was going to marry her! geoff, i really thought she was the love of my life, i thought we were meant for each other. she thought it too until she saw another guy. who was better than me. in every way i guess. whatever, stop being so insensitive, it hurt me way more than this could ever be hurting you right now," i said, fuming, "now, if you'll excuse me, i have to go purge now." i wasn't actually going to, it was just the first thing that came to mind. i really wanted to leave the conversation. i scrambled to the bathroom with both of them on my back.

i felt bad for lying about purging so i might actually do it after all but was a sandwich worth it? probably not.

"awsten, stop! open up!" otto screamed. wow. somebody in one of the other apartments is definitely gonna complain about this.

this is short, sorry. :(. vote n comment please.