fear of fears // gawsten

!chapter six!

[awsten's pov]

the car ride back was completely silent until geoff spoke up when we were almost at our apartment building.

"hey, uhm.. i have to run an errand so i'm just gonna drop you off at the apartment, okay?" his icy blue eyes glanced my way and i felt like i could've been turned to stone if i stared into them for any longer than i had. i simply nodded in response to what he was saying, otto would be home so i'd be fine.

as we neared the driveway, geoff spoke again in a more serious tone, "make something for yourself to eat while i'm gone, please."

"you act like i'm not a fatass, i still eat, geoff. a lot," i ran my fingers through my hair, bringing it out of my face before leaning into geoff, waiting for him to kiss me. he didn't. i awkwardly pecked his cheek before stumbling out of the car and jogging up to our apartment door, unlocking it slowly. i couldn't tell why he didn't kiss me. i didn't really do anything wrong, i told one white lie. i didn't want him to worry because i had everything handled.

"hey, otto," i shouted while walking in, expecting a reply. i didn't get one. i started to panic and my eyes began to sting.

"otto?" i looked around nervously.

i was alone.

hot, salty tears started to stream down my face as i rushed into my bedroom.

i'm pathetic, why do i have to cry about literally anything and everything? i'm so worthless. i wish i could just cut out my feelings and never have to feel anything again.

i looked to the mirror that was placed above my dresser and glared at my reflection. no where close to perfection. and it never will be. i'm stuck like this. stuck being skinny. my friends and family think i'm like a skeleton and claim it looks bad because i'm 'too skinny.' or maybe they're jealous. you're sick, awsten, stop. don't fall back. geoff thinks you have this under control so.. control it. now. i got closer to the mirror and focused on my face. my eyes were puffy and red, which was normal when i cried, and my nose was red as well. i was really kind of ugly if i'm being completely honest. my huge nose.. my dumb eyes.. my eyebrows.. my forehead.. there was nothing i liked about myself. i don't know what geoff sees in me. stop being so negative, love yourself a little.

before i could think about anything else, i heard the door click and open, exposing geoff.

"hey, i'm home!" he cheerfully shouted, evidently forgetting that he was 'mad' at me.

"hey," i mumbled, now feeling exhausted after beating myself up. geoff followed my voice and gave me a funny look.

"are you crying..?"

"what? no," i spat out, moving my hair so it was covering my eyes.

"i think you were, what's wrong?" he ran in, sitting next to me at the end of the bed and putting an arm around me.

"literally nothing, get your arm off of me!" i slid off the bed, almost escaping the room until geoff appeared in front of the door.

"i-i'm sorry for touching you i guess, just tell me whats up please."

anger painted my face as i got close to him, "you fucking left me here alone! you probably knew otto was gone so you faked having to go somewhere just to mess with me!"

"i did not! i didn't know he was gone until he texted me! i rushed back here when he did because i remembered how you were afraid to be alone. so don't try to make me seem like the bad guy." his tone was harsher now and if i'm being completely honest, i was scared and on the verge of tears again. "ya know, i don't see why you're so scared of being alone, there's nothing scary about that whatsoever."

"no, the thing that makes it scary is my fucking thoughts. you're so fucking closed minded, i swear to god.. i can't deal with this.." his eyes grew large as the last sentence left my lips.

"wha—"

"—i cant deal with you anymore. you're a pain. it takes so much of me to be in love with you and i just can't anymore, i can't keep doing it," i paused to look into his ocean-like eyes that were filling with tears, "i don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. you've changed, you're not the same person i fell in love with and i realized that when loving you became exhausting. a hassle. i'm sorry," really, i felt no remorse. i meant what i said. everything i said. it's how i felt. i watched as geoff's tears spilled over, it wasn't something you'd see everyday.

"wait, please. i'm sorry, awsten, i-"

"-hey i'm back."

it was otto.

"hey!" i shouted, leaving the room quickly to greet otto, "mind if we become roommates? geoff needs some space."

"i wouldn't mind but what's up with geoff?"

"something happened today, not sure what," i lied, walking back into my old room and passing geoff who had broken down and was now sitting against a wall, sobbing silently. he hid his face when he saw me and i almost felt bad.

i began to gather my things from the bedroom and move them to otto's bedroom. geoff would look up at me from time to time before losing it all over again.

"uh. where's geoff?"

"oh, he's in here, he's busy though so i wouldn't bother him," i attempted to save myself but otto walked into the room and saw geoff. puffy eyed and red nosed.

"woah, what's wrong.?" otto knelt down beside him and put a hand on his shoulder.

"aw-awsten..br-bro-oke up with m-m-me," he said in between sobs.

otto shot me a glare and i immediately looked away.

"he what?" otto said softly and geoff repeated himself. i bit my lower lip, backing out of the room slowly. "awsten. get back in here."

i looked into otto's expectant eyes and shuffled back in, paying close attention to my feet now. "yes?"

"why'd you break up with him?"

"i don't have to tell you that, i'm allowed to break up with people, you're acting like i killed someone."

"you did kill someone," his eyebrows furrowed as his glare intensified.

"i didn't kill geoff. he's gonna get over it quickly, trust me. we both knew this was coming."

"b-but we had ev-ever-everything planned out. w-w-we had our whole l-l-li-lives mapped out toge-gether. do-does that mea-mean nothi-ing to you?" geoff stammered, looking up at me yet again.

"it doesn't anymore, i honestly don't care. stop trying to act like you really loved me, i know you didn—"

"—you know that's not true, stop it. now tell me why," otto cut off, his dark eyes looking into mine.

"no," i mumbled, taking a few of my hoodies from the closet and starting to walk in the direction of otto's room before he stopped me.

"stop moving your shit to my room, you're staying with geoff!"

"what? no!" but he had already left the room and closed us both in alone.

proofreading later. sorry this is kind of long and crappy. kinda sad too.