My girl Neighbor

45

I was kinda hoping that she'll tighten her grip, you know. Like she'll prove me wrong or something. That instead of letting go of my hand she'll hold me more.

She heard things that didn't go her way, the first thing she did was to let go of my hand.

I thought she loved me. That's what she said just a few minutes ago.

I mean, how can I trust her when some other bad things come our way?

"I know you didn't expect to hear things like that from me. I don't know, maybe you still think of me as a kid that will crawl back to you just because you already explained yourself. I may be minor or whatever but... I do have feelings, Emma. And... I love you too. I do. And maybe if we are not in this situation, you'll see me jumping to happiness because you feel the same way about me. but, you kinda lie to me or withhold any information whatsoever and most importantly, you left me behind."

I paused for a while, trying to find the right words. Thinking of the other day and yesterday, trying to recall the conversation I had with Kate. How I said that I will fight for Emma blah blah blah.

And I realize now, that even though you love a person so much, if your heart was shattered into pieces by that person, it's not the same anymore. You still love them but you learn how to control the feelings, the emotions.

Just like now. I understand very well what she explained to me but whenever I go back to the 48hrs of nothing but pain, it changes me. I suddenly became strong.

"Jen."

"Em."

We both say each other's name at the same time.

"You go." I said.

She took a deep breath and held my hand again. Automatically, I looked at it.

It's painful in a way that I can't explain it anymore.

"I... I don't know what else to say, Jen. I don't know how to make it up to you or if I will be able to make it up to you. I just, I'm sorry and I hope... I hope you don't close your door for me. I made a mistake and I'm owning it and if you'll give me another chance, I won't make the same mistake ever again."

Looking at those eyes, practically begging for another chance. Never in my wildest dream thought of Emma will be asking for it, I'm thinking of the other way around.

I wanted to say yes to her but a little part of me is stopping me from doing so, it's like there's this tiny part of my heart that is afraid or something. Afraid to get hurt, maybe?

"Em... I want to, but..."

"No, please. No, but, I hate buts."

I laughed a little bit at what she said.

"Em, I'm just saying that... maybe not today, you know? You have a lot on your plate right now and it's pretty clear that you still haven't figured out what to do with your engagement. I don't want to be in the middle of a very complicated situation. I mean, if you have told me about it from the beginning, I'll be here with you for sure. But, I'm hurting, still hurting. and I think, what I need, what we need is... a break. Break from us."

I could tell she was kind of shocked, but this time she didn't let go of my hand. She was just looking at me with her sad hazel eyes.

I wanted to caress her cheek and tell her that everything is going to be fine, that I will wait for her, but I stopped myself.

And I'm really surprised that I could do that, I mean, this is Emma. My girl neighbor that I'm head over heels with.

I gotta say, I'm a little proud of myself. I've grown. I've matured.