Carry You Home

Twenty-nine

Lindsey looked up at Stevie, his handsome face contorted in pain. “I know. I wanted to talk to you but I just couldn't, Steph.“, his reply was barely a whisper.

“Why?“, she asked again, “That's all I wanted. That you just talk to me. I felt so miserable. One day I can feel our baby moving inside of me, and the next day, all I am left with is this huge ugly scar on my lower abdomen. I felt as if all I ever loved was taken from me that very night. The baby and your love.“

“That's not true. I loved you just the same.“, he protested.

“Then why didn't you show me? Why did you ignore me every single time I tried to talk to you about our loss? Why did you turn your back at me at night and mumble something along the lines of being too tired?“, Stevie asked him, constant tears rolling down her cheeks she didn't even bother to wipe away, anymore.

“Because it was my fucking fault, okay.“, Lindsey suddenly said with an angry voice and jumped out of the bed.

“What are you talking about?“, she asked back, clutching the sheets to her naked chest as she watched him pulling on his briefs in a hurry.

Lindsey didn't answer her. Instead, he turned his back to her and looked out of the floor-to-ceiling windows that led to a small balcony with an overview of the backyard. He took a couple deep breaths and raised both arms to run his hands through his dark curls, messing them up even more than before.

“Please, talk to me, Lindsey.“, Stevie pleaded with him and he could hear the desperation in her voice.

“It was my fault that we lost him.“, Lindsey said, eventually.

“What?“

He turned around and looked at her tear-streaked face, a look of confusion in her brown eyes as she slowly shook her head. “That's why I couldn't talk to you. Because it was my fault that we lost him, in the first place. None of this would have happened, if I had been there at home with you. Instead, I broke my promise and stayed in the studio to drink and smoke pot with the guys. I should have been at home. I would have taken you to the hospital much earlier and we could have saved him.“

“Lindsey, no..“, Stevie whispered and bit down on her bottom lip to keep herself from sobbing. She reached out her hand for him and was surprised when he took it and let her pull him back into bed with her. “This is not true.“

But Lindsey didn't want to hear any of it and shook his head, vehemently, hot tears spilling down onto the covers below, “I lied to you. I had a feeling something wasn't right. You called me and said you didn't feel good, that something felt off. I said I was coming home but I didn't. You needed me and I wasn't there. It was my responsibility to take care of you. I promised you that. When we found out about the pregnancy and you were crying in my arms because you were so scared of how that was going to ruin our chance with the band, I told you I would be there, that you wouldn't be alone, that I would take care of you and the baby. And the minute you needed me the most, I was the one who chose music, pot and alcohol over you. So, tell me again, how this isn't my fucking fault.“

Stevie looked at him with wide eyes. She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again, too stunned after everything he had just told her. Instead, she reached up and pulled Lindsey right into her arms. These were the words she had longed to hear for so many years, the real reason for his behavior after their loss. He was surprised for a moment, but responded, nonetheless, and buried his face in her hair.

“I wish you would have told me this eight years ago.“, Stevie said, eventually.

“I couldn't. Do you have any idea what that did to me, Stevie? To come home after a long day at work to find you curled up on the couch with the baby blanket in your arms, knowing you had cried yourself to sleep again, knowing that this was my fault, that I could have prevented this from happening? It destroyed me. I felt so guilty. As if I didn't deserve your love. As if I failed you as a partner because I didn't protect you.“