Random Bits of My Brain

The Lonely

Elise's Diary

Back in fifth grade, we had this thing called star of the week. It's basically what you expect it to be, a packet with intrusive questions like "what's your favorite color" and "what's your favorite song?" Well, I was honest. "My favorite color is blue" and "my favorite song is The Lonely by Christina Perri". Apparently, that was deemed weird because there were confused titters among my peers, some of the more biased girls giving eachother "the look". It was also then that I decided to become a turtle and hide who I really was. Until Natasha, that is, but that's a different story.

So anyhoo, back then, I just thought The Lonely was a great song. I mean, there was drama and a back story and Chrinstina Perri is pretty and the lyric video is cool. 

But I guess subconciously, I was relating myself to that song. 

In my head, the only words that had registered at all are The Lonely. I was extremely confused. Lonely is an adjective, not a noun. But as a I thought more, I realized that some adjectives are turned into nouns and that the Lonely is probably just someone very lonely. I guess I, again, subconciously tried to protect myself by choosing a song like All About That Bass to make myself feel better. 

But now, as I sit inside my closet jotting this down, the fresh memory of my sisters rushing me and my parents acting like they weren't constantly fighting, I realized why I liked that song. 

I am the Lonely.

2 hours earlier...

"Elise, hurry up! We're waiting for you to watch Criminal Minds!" Cassandra, my older sister by 2 years rushed.

Sighing in annoyance and dipping the top of another cream puff in the vanilla chocolate ganache, I called back,"I just gotta finish dipping the cream puffs."

I could almost hear her roll her eyes. "How long is it gonna take?"

Seeing as my oh so patient sister had asked this exact same question 5 minutes ago, I huffed with aggravation and swept my gaze across the heaping mass of delicious, whipped cream filled cream puffs. "I dunno just start without me!"

Ay my words, my other sister, Milano, older by 6 years, entered the conversation."Ugh just hurry up. You'll yell at us later for starting without you." As if! I'm not even that into Criminal Minds anymore. 

The source of my intense annoyance is Cassandra. Everytime Milano comes to visit us from college, she acts completely fake. I mean, I'll believe that Kim Kardashian's boobs are real over her ever being genuine around Milano. Don't get me wrong, I love my sisters. It's just at times, I want to strangel them. So I just wanna read for a bit because I'm pissed off, what's the big deal? At least I'm not snapping anymore. 

Efficiently sweeping the ganache across the top of the cream puff, I leaned my hip against the counter and glanced at the bowl. Seeing that they ganache was running low and that it was too liquid-like, I added more chocolate, a little bit of cream, and put it in the microwave for 30 seconds. 

As I was waiting, I glanced into the dining room to see my parents' heads together, the Bank of America logo on the computer screen. Pursing my lips, I studied them a little closer and could catch words like,"Split...low...too much credit...mortage...new". 

Shocked out of my reverie from the sound of beeping, I opened the microwave and stirred the thick, smooth ganache. 

As I waited for it to cool a bit, I checked my phone. Seeing my friend from before's name, Helen, pop on screen, I felt my heart constrict.

Some backstory: Helen was my best friend. Before I moved the first time, we'd see each other everyday and walk to school together too. I originally had a crush on her one-year younger brother, but that ended when the neighborhood annoyance, Serena, kissed him. Ew, I hate that girl. But anyway, I became extremely close to her family. So much so that they influenced me into running and soccer and I influenced them into violin and piano. But then, I moved. That's okay though, it was only the next town over. We saw each other on the weekends, when we had track. Our friendship was only slightly damaged but I knew I was her number one and she was mine. Then, I moved again. This time, I moved almost 800 miles away. When I came back to visit, I felt all kinds of nostalgic. Also, that visit is when I first realized I was depressed. At their house, it was like I was in a bubble of happiness, nothing could touch me. But the thing is, I had surprised Helen and she had made friends with her new close friends. So naturally, I went with her and met her new friends. And they were better than me. They were girly about things, tom-boy-ish about others, pretty, funny, and apparently, not a fan of me. So I spent the whole time mostly alone, just vaguely happy that she was okay without me. But I'm a horrible person and was also, super jealous. Natureally, I decided since she didnt' need me, I should just back away. I wasn't going to see her soon anyway and she never contacted me. 

Which is why that small text hurt so much. 

"Can you Skype?"

I said no. I can't face falling from Cloud Nine. And everytime I saw her, I was reminded that since she's okay, I should be too. 

Shutting off my phone and turning back to dipping the cream puffs, I quickly finished them and joined my sister on the bed.

"Took you long enough,"Cassandra complained, passing me a small bunch of cards. "Come on. We're playing Prez."

Well, thanks for asking if I wanted to. Isn't this a form of rape? I didn't give consent!

As we played and I kept losing, Cassandra continued to stoke the fire burning within me and Milano just smirked. I clenched my jaw and annihlated her in the next round, inserting a few quips as I went. Apparently, this was being snappy, and Milano told me that. 

Feeling put out and annoyed, I simply said,"It's getting late. I'm gonna go sleep."

And that's why I'm here now, in my closet.

My own sisters didn't know my signs of anger.

Helen has other friends to analyze.

My parents haven't acted like parents since I needed breast feeding.

I am the Lonely.

So as tears trail down my face, I chant to myself, just breathe just breathe stop being a pussy Elise just breathe. 

Being lonely is hard.

A/N:So this is a mini series I want to start, recording the life of a girl struggling to change who she is and dealing with, as you can see, the Lonely. For now, I'll write it here because I'm not sure how I want it to work itself out and if I want to start in the past. Anyway, leave me a comment if you want me to continue this. If not, I'll just keep it here.