Losing you

April

Aprils P.O.V

I woke up and felt like shit.I carefully tried to sit up on my bed without having any pains in my body...I failed. Once I tried to pull myself up I already felt the pain in my back rise as I pulled my self a little back so I can be in a sitting position. I just stared at the wall and remembered everything that happened last night. How I got a All these bruises on my body. How my face is stained with dry tears from crying my self to sleep.How I finally cut on my arms. How I can barley move a single muscle without squinting my eyes from the pain I get. How I'm covered in so much dried blood. Oh and by the way I'm April.

Hellur I'm April I'm 16 and I have major depression, have a bad case of anxiety, I purge (make myself vomit), I am suicidal, I smoke, I cut and I'm the girl who no one notices.

Yea it sounds like I'm shit huh?? But the only reason why I'm like this isn't my fault. I'm not looking for attention at all when I cut or when I purge or even when I go to the public bathroom at school to just cry. I don't think people understand how much self hatred it takes someone to make themselves vomit or to slice their own skin open. But I wasn't always like this i used to be happy and always full of energy when I was small but it was when I turned 11 this started. It started when my mom was pregnant with my baby brother names Jakob. I was so excited and so was my dad. We were a happy family of three soon to be four. Then the day my mom had to give birth to Jakob she couldn't handle it, she couldn't handle the pain and she died with Jakob in her stomach. So then when I heard the news I took it okay, I cried myself to sleep for about a week and so did my dad and then I moved on thinking that she'll be in heaven with Jakob. But my dad on the other hand took it horribly. He was in severe depression for 3 years and every time I tried to comfort him he'll yell at me and hit me for no reason.

Then it started getting worse and he started abusing me. It was when I got home from school and he would pull me from my hair to the kitchen and beat me there.

From there on I started going to school with messy hair on my face so no one will see the bruises on my cheek. So kids started getting judgmental and started picking on me saying that I was emo and that I should buy a brush and stuff like that. Then this popular girl started making fun of me being a loner and started calling me names like fat, ugly, stupid, and so on. From there on everyone started calling me fat and ugly following the popular girls actions. So that's when I started starving myself and purging. Then I was thinking of cutting. But I didn't.

Until one night a couple of hours after the daily beatings my dad came into my room at night, closed the door behind him and took out a condom. From that point on I just hated myself, the way I was defenseless and couldn't do anything. I started
working for this old lady at a washing place and earned money and bought some makeup to cover my bruises from my face.

So when my dad coming into my room at night become a weekly thing I lost it.I became very insecure and lost my self esteem and am very self conscious. And I started cutting. He knows I cut and encourages me to do it more and it went up to the point where I bought a vape pen so I can occupy myself from cutting. But it didn't work.

I don't cut on my arms
because people will notice faster. I started cutting on my thighs until I ran out of space so I started doing it on my stomach and when I ran out of space there my cut thighs would already heal and I would start cutting there again but this time it was different.

My dad beat/raped me yesterday and after that I ran to my bathroom and took out my vape pen. I ran out of the liquid thing and threw the pen on the floor and smashed it. I don't know what got into me I just let out my bottled up emotions at that point.

I went to my makeup bag and took out my razor and cut all over my thighs leaving them bloody. Then I went to my stomach and left it full of blood. Then I went back to my thighs and cut on top the the fresher new cuts and then I cut on my wrist. I couldn't take it anymore my body was numb and I cut it up not feeling any pain. Then it came. All the pain from cutting on my bruises and slicing my skin. It was in explainable. I couldn't take it and I crawled over to my bed and just cried myself to sleep.

And that's how I ended up here. So just in case you forgot like everyone else. Hi I'm April