HOTLINE | j.hoseok

20; let's live

"We are finally here." Taehyung stretched his arms up and rotated his neck slowly as we stood outside the airport, "The flight was barely an hour but I feel so tired and my neck feels stiff."

I inhaled deeply and exhaled all at once, "We really are back. It feels weird somehow."

"We have to celebrate! How about we get drinks?" Taehyung grinned at me as Min Yoongi casually walked past us, pulling his carrier behind him. "Dr. Min! Wait! Where are you going? We're supposed to get drinks together."

"It's 10am. Only alcoholics drink at this early in the morning." Yoongi said as we followed him to the taxi lane. He opened the door of the taxi before glancing back at us with one foot inside the car, "I have somewhere to be. You two should just go home and rest."

Taehyung looked dismayed but nodded his head, "We understand. Now that we're back, I guess everything should be the way it was before.."

"It cannot be helped." Yoongi answered and then told the driver something before he walked back up to us. "Give me your phone."

Taehyung looked at him, failing to understand what he said at first so Yoongi held out his hand, "Your phone. Give it to me."

"Oh, here." Taehyung hurriedly took his phone from out of his jacket and gave it to Min. We both watched as Yoongi sighed, typing in a phone number and saving it.

Yoongi looked vague and avoided eye contact as he spoke. "If there's anything, just give me a call."

"But we already have your number." I told him.

"That was my work phone. This is my personal number." He muttered in a low voice and then continued to ramble. "But the call better be important. I swear I'll kill the both of you if you called and ask me how to install a light fixture!"

Taehyung gwaked at the phone number saved as Min Yoongi on his contacts and showed Yoongi a huge smile. He raised his right hand and pledged, "I swear I will not call you about light fixtures!"

Yoongi smiled but caught himself quickly so he cleared his throat before speaking, "I mean, you can call for those sometimes. I quite enjoy putting things together and camping."

"We know." I chuckled and he showed us a small smile. Yoongi said goodbye, got in the taxi and we waved to him as the taxi drove off.

"Wow, I got Min Yoongi's personal number." Taehyung is still staring at his phone and I shook my head at him, smiling. "I wonder if he has Instagram. Should I text him and ask?"

"Well, I need to go to." I told him and headed for the taxi lane too.

"Wait, where? Let's at least get lunch together." Taehyung chased after me and tucked his phone back in his pocket.

"I'm going home to see my Mom."

Being back feels unfamiliar. I watched the city as we zoomed through the traffic. Life is still fast paced here and I'm not used to it anymore. It's like everything is foreign to me. One year isn't that long but I never thought I'd feel this way. I never thought I needed a break and now that I had one, I am finally seeing things more clearly. I used to just think about work every time. My whole life revolved around studying and working because I wanted to quickly get to the finish line but I realised that there's really no shortcuts in life. I have to go through everything at my own pace.

I don't always need to worry about getting there because I will eventually arrive there. It doesn't matter if I run or walk. I will get there at my own time.

I'm going to start this new beginning by taking my time with everything I do. I'm going to take my time whether it's gardening with my mom, spacing out while eating or walking home, I'm just going to do it at my own pace. I won't just look straight ahead. I'm going to look around and enjoy where I am at the moment because the me in this moment is also me in the future.

I opened the small gate to my childhood home and everything looked just the same. Nostalgia resonating inside me. I left my shoes at the entrance and headed  to her favorite place, her garden. She sat on the bed with the windows open, overlooking the garden while Yujin poured her a cup of tea.

I approached them quietly and gestured for Yujin to leave us for a moment. She smiled and nodded before leaving us. My mom turned her head towards me, "Yujin, can you call Hoseok? He said he is coming today."

I stood behind her and wrapped my arms around her frail shoulders, the shoulders that I always depended on. "I'm home, Mom."

Her hands felt my neck and then my face, "Hoseok-ah, my son." She smiled while tracing her fingers over my face. "I missed you."

"I missed you too." I said, holding both of her hands as I kiss her forehead. "Your garden looks beautiful."

"It's Spring. They are always beautiful but they are the most beautiful in Spring." She replied.

I sat down beside her, still holding her hand, "I wish you could see them."

She shook her head slowly, "I'm glad just by talking to them. I told you I'm old. It wouldn't make any difference anymore." She said then held my hand firmly, "All I want is to know that you're doing well before I leave."

Tears gathered in my eyes and I couldn't make a sound, not when I'm beside her. "Don't say that."

A smile bloomed on her lips as she pattens my hand, "There will I come a time when I have to leave you even if I don't want to. I'm happy that  you don't hate me.. I haven't been a good mother. I gave you a hard time, didn't I?"

My tear fell on her hand and she chuckled, "You know, you used to cry on my lap when you were young. You would come running to me after school and you'd cry because I couldn't buy you toys like the other kids."

Her hands are always gentle, "I'm such a bad mom. I always made you cry. I'm sorry."

"That's not true." I told her, "You are the best. You worked all day and sent me to school. You weren't able to give me what I want but you gave me everything I needed. Still, I'm not ready for you to leave."

"I understand. I won't leave." She laughed, "You are still such a baby. Are you hungry?"

"Not really." I rested my head on her lap. "I'm just tired."

"Take a nap." She spoke softly and brushed my hair. I fell asleep to her nostalgic scent. My mother smells like orchids and warm sunlight.

I dreamt that time. In my dream, we were in an amusement park. I was so happy that day, playing all day, and I fell asleep on her lap. The wind was blowing. It was warm. I felt her leave for a moment. Her warmth fading away.

That was a month after my father passed away. She was left alone to take care of me. I sometimes wake up to my mother crying in the middle of the night, her tears would wet my cheeks while I pretend to sleep. She kept apologizing to me. I wondered what was wrong. I was so young. The concept of death was still unknown to me.

That was the last time I saw her cry. I wish she would cry again and release all of the burden she has kept hidden. I want to tell her that I can do it for her now.

Mom,

Let's be happy from now on.