Whirling Thoughts, Weird Ideas

2019 My Fall From Islam And A Year I Never Want To Repeat

I'm going to just get straight into this by saying *Deep breath* 2019 WAS A CRAP YEAR AND I HATED IT!!!

It's true though, 2019 was horrible for me. I had a secret phone and I joined instagram. Possibly one of the biggest mistakes I've made yet.

Me and my sister were in it together, we never snitched on each other and no matter what we warned each other if our parents were around, Ikr we had the biggest pact ever no matter what. Pretty cool sisters I have to say *throws back my hair and pretends I'm in an anime*

Instagram was not the greatest influence in my life (but I'm going to have another chapter dedicated to that later), I drove me further away from Islam than ever. It allowed me to take pictures of myself uncovered, talk to guys *shudders at the thought of some of them* and make an absolute the idiot of myself. 

Being on Instagram made me want to not be muslim at all and in a way it felt liberating, I was wrong. On Instagram I wasn't Zaynah, I changed my name to Alex instead, I know what you're probably thinking "Why on Earth would you change your name from something so beautiful to such a common generic name?" The truth is I was really confused where I was and that made me depressed even more.

It was around exam season when I changed my name and I was a sleep deprived, panicked, anxious sushi roll of a human being. I was really behind in my revision, heck I didn't even study most of what I should've, I just crammed all this new information in my head as quickly as possible and that took a huge toll on me. 

I was working all day and all night too, I barely ate and drank coffee as if my life depended on it, and yet I still failed. Things were also kinda rough at home during this season too. I don't really want to get into it in too much detail here, but basically things with my parents became pretty strained and my sister wanted to move out because of it. She told them her plan and obviously they were upset and didn't let it happen. My grandparents came and talked about it and when they left I told my mum I wanted to leave Islam (this was the day I got the phone taken away)

One thing I will never be able to forget was the look on her face, all the hurt I caused her, it was heartbreaking. My parent never let me leave though, it was their duty as my parents to command me and make me at least follow the five pillars of Islam, that way I was still practicing. About a week into this my mum and I had a fight at the tuition centre where we work and it left me in the toilet crying for half an hour. When we got home my parents talked to me again and by the time they were done I was feeling so emotionally and physically drained I wanted to just give up. 

It just wasn't worth all the energy and emotion I was wasting. Of course bad habits are the hardest to break and soon I started slipping back and started lying about praying again.

After I got my exam results back (both 1's so I didn't just fail, I failed miserably) my dad said  it was my punishment for disobeying Allah and it was, I had no one to blame but myself. I wanted to practice but I didn't think I could after everything. But then I had my surgery. 

It was nothing major, I just had to have teeth removed, but because of the awkward position it was pretty dangerous to just pull them out, so I had to go under. Let me just tell you it was the weirdest most terrifying experience of my life. I ended up getting a trainee anaesthetist who put the catheter IN THE WRONG HAND, WIGGLED IT ABOUT, PULLING IT IN AND OUT BEFORE YANKING IT OUT! I am forever traumatised by this. After a proper anaesthetist put it in my right hand properly, I finally got knocked out which was weird since it feels like no time has passed at all. When I got back and showed my sister my eleven impersonation from stranger things (my nose would just randomly bleed), I sat down to think and I thought for a couple of weeks.

If I wanted to practice then I should, no matter what I've done in the past, but I still couldn't do it. Two weeks after the surgery I ended up getting sick and I was lying on my sisters bed (it was closer to the plug socket) watching listening to Gilmore girls as I drifted in and out of sleep when my dad came up to my room. He handed me a present that one of his student's mum gave (I was so touched!) and talked about some stuff. Now half of the conversation is really personal and I promised I wouldn't tell anyone so I'm keeping that promise. The other half on the other hand was about marriage (Yah know since I'm nearing the marital age and such). I gave him permission to start looking for a suitor worthy of my greatness and that was kinda that. 

The idea of marriage really appealed to me, especially after my failed attempts at "dating". So I started reading up on it. Thats when I decided if I'm got to get married then I want to do it properly, I will practice, pray and do everything properly. Of course I'm not going to get married anytime soon, maybe when I'm 18 or 19, but until then I'm happily reading and studying Islam. It was up to me to decide what I really wanted because now I'm happy and I never thought I could feel this happy and it's all down to the fact I re-accepted Islam.

Comment your thoughts on this if you like and pease vote this book if you like it. 

Until next time: