Whirling Thoughts, Weird Ideas

A Bit Of an Explanation

I kinda feel like I owe you guys a bit of an explanation on my "insanity attack". It's been a pretty nice day so far, the house is quiet and clean-ish and it's given me some time to think about what happened.

What's also helped was my "Netflix therapy" which was just watching some lovely Gilmore Girls, which always makes me feel a bit better when I'm feeling especially crummy, a bit of Voltron (the good seasons) and also The Fundamentals Of Caring. For some reason indie movies always make me feel better when I'm sad.

Anyway back to the explanation. I've been in a pretty bad place for the past 2 or 3 days and having more than one bad day in a row really takes a toll on my mental state which brought up bad memories. 

For some reason my brain decided to torture me this time and not only go back to the past, but also blame my brothers and sister for all of it which angered me so much I wanted to kill them.

It sounds really stupid now, but the breaking moment for my "insanity attack" was going up to my room and I was about to sit on my bed when I noticed that 1. some stuff on my table was moved and 2. a packet of sweets I had on my table was nearly finished. 

I have a very particular set up on my desk, and even though it looks like a mess I know when something is touched. I share a room with both my sisters so I immediantely went back downstairs to confront them about it. It was actually my youngest sister who did it (which I assumed) and I saw red. 

It felt like I was 13 again and I just lost it. I'm extremely possessive and I hate it when people touch my stuff. I've become a bit more relaxed about it, but when I was 13 my granddad would mess up all my things and I'd get really annoyed, so this gave me really bad flashbacks.

Some sane part of me, while having the attack, was just like 'Hey! pull out your pad and paper and start writing, this could be an amazing poem' and even though I was ready to climb out my window and throw myself off the roof, I listened and started writing. 

The poems are really bad and at one point I was sure I was going to snap my pen because I was so angry, but I wrote,. It didn't make me feel better, but I got some of my anger out. My older sister came in and tried to talk to me and find out what was going on, but I could barely talk, all I could say was 'I hate them' and 'I want to kill them'. 

She just sort of left me to calm down after that, but all I could think of was that I wasn't enough and that's why my brothers and sister were born, and my mind wouldn't stop going round and round that I didn't matter and they would just take my place if I died and all that stuff. 

It went on for hours and I was so close to doing anything just to stop my brain telling me all that stuff and making me feel worse. The one thing that I did keep going back to despite all the raging thoughts was the acronym T.H.U.G. L.I.F.E. (The Hate U Give Little Infants Fucks Everyone) and how much it fucked me up and how fucked up I am despite all my progress.

Thankfully I'm better now, but it seriously made me realise that I should see someone, or go to a doctor maybe, but it's so hard to do that now. I don't know if my parents would allow me to do on medication if I need it, since they prefer more natural remedies and stuff.

Anyway this is the explanation to my very dark and worrying poems that I uploaded yesterday and all my crazy messages and stuff.

Thank you for reading all this and stay safe xx