Whirling Thoughts, Weird Ideas

Eating Disorder Struggles

I think this song suits this chapter lol. I usually spend the week writing out a script for my chapters, but I've been busy this week (I think, I can't remember lol) so I'm going off the bat here. I find it a little funny that I'm writing this as I'm eating a rice cake for breakfast, if you couldn't tell I'm Asian before, you can definitely tell now lol.

Okay so eating disorders! They suck eggs and they can jump off a microwave! In all seriousness they are crazy deadly and the worst part is you can't really see the dangerous part of it when you're in so deep you don't even know what's right and wrong anymore. 

A lot of my friends know I suffered from anorexia during my early teens. Going though that at such a young age really messed me up and it still messes with me now. I was really skinny when I was little, but around 9 or 10 I started gaining weight, by the time I was 12 I was well... fat. It didn't bother me that much, but then everyone was telling me to loose weight, I didn't really pay much attention at the time since I was 12.

I felt so ashamed of myself, even though girls gain weight during puberty, but society won and it got me feeling horrible about myself. I'm a UK size 12 but I usually opt for a 14 or 16 since 1, my clothes shrink after they're washed for the first time and 2, I'm just so used to wearing baggy shirts and jumpers, I mean they're just really comfortable and I used them to sort of hide behind them.

My anorexia is still on and off, like, I have it, overcome it, then it worms it's way back in. I guess it's because I'm so aware of it and it's not as bad as it used to be, but I still have a particular mindset towards food, like, if I'm planning or eat pizza or chinese for dinner, I'll eat close to nothing during the day and just drink a bunch of water. If I do eat a lot during the day and do end up eating pizza as well, then I'll feel really guilty about it later. 

I've never counted calories, honestly it's just not my Pennywise hentai, probably because I'm so terrible with maths and when I did it would just leave me really confused. I also wasn't someone who would exercise, honestly I want to, but I'm too lazy lol. I'd rather curl up with some tea and a book or even better: Gilmore Girls and crochet. I would like to be that person who exercises regularly, but I'd run maybe 2 or 3 days a week then I'd just feel too tired and sore to run anymore so I've dropped it.

Recovering from anorexia is still really hard for me, especially because my Fillipino grandparents are very blunt with my appearance, for instance yesterday I was wearing high waisted pants and my shirt was riding up a little and my granddad straight up just asked me what my waist size is now and made some comment about how it must e around 30 inches or something. As usual I tried to laugh it off because they don't really mean it, but all those horrible thoughts came flooding back in. To shut up the whispering voice in my head I grabbed a bowl and poured myself a bunch of cocoa puffs (at like 4:30 in the afternoon, doughnut judge me I eat like a college student most days)and ate them without feeling guilty.

I've had to deal with all these types of comments from both my grandparents for year, but it honestly doesn't get any easier. The one that hit me the hardest was a few weeks ago my granddad picked up my baby sister and made some comment about how she looks skinny, then all of a sudden he said how much he wished I wouldn't eat for a week. I wasa cleaning the table when he said that and it immediately hit home. I rushed out of the room before I started crying and flashbacks of some of the worst years of my life came flooding through. However I stayed resilient and anorexia didn't win.

Although I have a troubled relationship with food, I LOVE cooking! I actually do most of the cooking in my family now, my parents work a lot and are super busy and my older sister is so busy with college, so I decided to put my studies on hold (since I was too behind to sit my exams this year anyway). I felt so guilty that my grandparents where cooking and cleaning our house while we were all sick for like 2 or 3 weeks, so when I got over my cold (it felt like death tbh) I was in full mum/nanny mode and I completely ignored my growing pile of work and just started cleaning and cooking for everyone. As much as I love cooking, it's SUPER stressful for since I have two younger brothers and a younger sister who are so friggin' annoying!!! Especially when they crowd around the kitchen or something. (This has nothing to do with eating disorders... and that's okay).

The one thing that really helped my recovery was watching To The Bone with my sister and uncle. I knew what it was about and I saw the trailer, but it honestly didn't prepare me for the blunt, straight forward-ness of that film. It went straight to the point, straight to the problem, straight to the solution??? I guess. I think the best way to describe the film is: that film is hella raw. Although it was pretty triggering while watching it, but it definitely was a real eye opener and it made me see things from  completely differently view points. Afterwards I felt better and it seriously helped me feel better and it helped me recover from certain aspects that I didn't think I could recover from. It's honestly such a great film and if  you are struggling with recovery I highly recommend To The Bone.

Anyway it's taken me two weeks to actually write all this out, I usually write out some sort of script/outline during the week and edit it as I type it out on the weekend, but I started this last weekend WITH NO SCRIPT, so of course It's taken me this long to publish this chapter. Because I missed last weekend's update I'm writing another chapter tomorrow, I actually wrote the script/outline for the next chapter before I wrote this one, but I already had this one half finished and I hate having several unfinished drafts because I never get back to them.

So anyway, stay healthy!