Like the title says this book is basically essays about some thoughts and there's also some fun weird stuff to kinda lighten it all up
These are more serious, well some serious parts of me, it's really just bits about me, my opinions on certain subj...
22.04.21 (dating from when I first began my research)
So it's a couple of weeks into Ramadan and of course everyone's making plans for Eid including presents. In all honesty hearing people talk about getting me presents makes me feel so guilty, like I truly believe that I do not deserve it and I just feel guilty about everything in general, of course this is a symptom of PTSD
There are a few forms of PTSD and the one I most relate or associate with is Complex- PTSD.
Complex-PTSD is a relatively new diagnosis, it's symptoms have been mistaken for borderline personality disorder since they share similar symptoms and triggers. The key difference between the two is that symptoms of BPD stems from an inconsistent self-concept, while C-PTSD symptoms are provoked by external triggers.
(this makes a lot of sense considering that I thought I had BPD because of how I'd been feeling and my behaviour)
Now the difference between C-PTSD and PTSD are the symptoms.
Symptoms of PTSD are:
reliving the experience through flashbacks, dreams or nightmares,
not being able to feel emotions,
dissociation. This could include disconnecting from yourself or other people,
negative alternations in mood,
emotional dysregulation. This means it is difficult to control your emotions,
problems relating to others,
problems in relationships
negative self-perception such as feeling worthless or defeated,
hyperarousal such as anger, irritability or sleep issues,
hypervigilance such as feeling on constant alert. Or being overly sensory to stimulus such as smell and noise, and
avoidance. This could mean that you try to distract your thought from thinking about the trauma. Or you avoid situations that remind you of your trauma.
C-PTSD symptoms of PTSD as well as extra ones like:
constant issues with keeping a relationship,
finding it difficult to feel connected to other people,
constant belief that you are worthless with deep feelings of shame and guilt. This will be related to the trauma, and
constant and severe emotional dysregulation. This means it is difficult to control your emotions
periods of losing attention and concentration (dissociation)
physical symptoms, such as headaches, dizziness, chest pains and stomach aches.
cutting yourself off from friends and family.
relationship difficulties.
Another key difference between these would be the trauma in itself, so PTSD is generally related to a single event, while C-PTSD is a disorder that can result from severe, chronic, or extremely threatening trauma. Often, this trauma is also interpersonal, happens early in life, lasts for a long time, involves a mix of trauma types, or is followed by one or more unrelated traumas. including: childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment. ongoing domestic violence or abuse. repeatedly witnessing violence or abuse (thank you google).
Now this is the second time I've written all this out, the first time was very different and it was more about what's been going on with me and how I've been feeling lately, basically boring depressing stuff that I don't think you want to read. However one thing that's stayed the same is the pinterest post that made me write all this in the first place.
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This made me dive deeper into the research about C-PTSD in the first place. I'm not really sure how accurate the pinterest post is, but it makes sense to me, like it feels right.
Despite my mental state being better than it was before, I've still been left wondering what the hell is wrong with me after I have "episodes". One thing that's been worrying me even more is the fact that lately I can't stand being awake. Sleeping a lot usually means that I'm dissociating with myself and real life even more because it feels like I'm in a constant dream state or I'm just constantly daydreaming instead of studying or doing anything productive. It feels like it's the only way I can cope with getting through the day/week, but at the same time it's feeding my depression because of how deep I let myself go into the dream (it doesn't help that I watched Inception a little while ago, I'm writing something else on that too btw).
I suppose the point of my writing this is to give you some insight on trauma and stuff. I honestly don't know if it's helped me to do all this research, but I did it (ironically I'm supposed to be doing psych work rn, but I'm procrastinating by researching and writing out a whole ass essay on PTSD).
Not sure if this is helpful in any way, but here you are.
