Whirling Thoughts, Weird Ideas

'Dating' And Social Media

These topics were originally going to be separate chapters, but I can't really write one without the other. A lot of this is going to be about the guys I talked to and the two who ended up being my boyfriends.

Now I know I sound like everyone and my parents saying this, but: Social media seriously messed you up. I joined because it was so liberating for me. Growing up I felt cut off from the world (which I was), but that was just my parents just trying to protect me and my siblings from the real world. I didn't have much internet access and my online usage was closely monitored (TBF I really deserved it). So When I got that secret phone it was so liberating for me, no one could stop me, and it felt so good.

For several months I just used my sisters account, this wasn't so bad since she mainly followed artists, old friends, writers and feminist accounts. It was through one of these feminist accounts that she got added to a RadFem group chat with (possibly) the most toxic Islamaphobic assholes ever. They were all these politically aware teens who truly believed all that bull about Islam being oppressive and bad. They had somewhat a reason for believing all this since one of the girls was oppressed, but that was by people who's view on Islam is skewed.

There was also a lot of joking and banter going on in the group. This is kinda where I come in. One of the guy's in the group was complaining about being lonely and stuff, so as a joke my sister sent an picture of me to the group, except he found me really cute. (Cringe! >.<) and we started DMing. He was a total bad boy who drank and did drugs, which is why I was initially attracted to him  (we all want to be the one who changed them ammarite?) This was an obvious warning sign right here, but I didn't see it.

He'd say all this nice stuff when he was drunk and he truly cared for me, but he did also encourage me to do drugs nearly all the time (don't worry I didn't). I did think he liked me since he and my sister texted quite a bit too and he would always turn the conversation back to me. He helped me a lot when I would struggle with self harming and anxiety. When I asked him why he'd go out of his way to calm me down or talk me out of seriously harming myself, he replied with: 'you help me out when I need it, I'm doing the same for you.' I had my own Instagram account by now and I was added to another group where I made a bunch of pure new friends.

It was two weeks after my sister set us up that I found out a girl made a move on him while he was high. I found this out via my sisters group and I was kinda numb when I found it out, but he was the one who said he cheated on me. That's where the hurting and crying began. We never labled whatever we were, so I didn't really know how to feel other than feeling betrayed ]. I didn't talk to him for a few days and during these days I plotted my revenge with my friends. I was planning to kidnap him the next time he came to London and torture him (I know, I know, I'm a psychopath and I need help). We sort of made up after a while and he screwed that girl in a Morrison's toilet (so un-classy and hilarious!)By now I'd moved on and started paying more attention to my other friend (and future ex) Jay.

Jay was such an obvious "nice guy" (not so obvious to me thought) and was obsessed with this other girl from his school when we met, but was rejected sort of through me since I was the one who texted her friend to ask. He was heart broken and I felt really bad, so we arranged to have a video chat the next day. I don't like thinking about happened that night after we made plans and I sent of a brownie to my friend, but I guess I have to. I don't want to go into details right now, but something happened with my dad and he got really angry, not at me, but it was just as bad because I couldn't do anything but watch. I nearly cancelled the video chat because I couldn't stand anyone seeing me so distraught and vulnerable. I ended up telling him everything and while I was emotionally messed up, he told me he loves me.

I was so distraught and messed up I didn't know what to think and I turned to whoever showed me attention. I was warned about him from my sister and one of my friends, but I just thought they were trying to ruin it for me. I thought I was happy with him. He was the guy who I loosed myself to and thought it was love. I craved that feeling when he sent me love emojis or called me by a pet name, but all my other emotions were building up inside.