Whirling Thoughts, Weird Ideas

Exams (┬┬﹏┬┬)

I kinda need to vent about exams because I'm really nervous and scared about them.

So my parents gave me exam talk last night and it was mainly just them telling me I'm going to be okay and that I don't need to stress out and while I was nodding and laughing my anxiety was pumping and I was ready to die.

Due to the whole 'pandemic' (I'm using quotes because this is a shit joke of a pandemic) all exams were canceled this year. I had already made the decision to not do them this year way before the whole covid-19 reached the UK but every time I think of exams all I think is "I'm going to be 18 when I sit them all. 18! Everyone else finishes it at 16, but I guess you were too stupid and lazy to do it all." It's not a great thought process. 

The only hidden card I have is that while everyone else is goofing off binging Netflix and doing whatever homework they were assigned right before they need to hand it in, I am teaching myself physics (I forgot to add that I'm homeschooled lol).

Because I'm homeschooled it means I'm like 2 or 3 years behind everyone else, i.e. I was goofing off because I work when I want and for how long I want. It is both a luxury and a curse. 

I'm lucky enough to have good teachers as parents (I know I'm a teachers daughter!! I've heard it all before and lemme just say they don't force me to work all the time like the stereotypical teacher parents) so I have access to resources that schools have, but the thought of exams freak me out so much after 2019.

Just the thought of having to go through all those sleepless nights of studying and drinking coffee like I'm Tim Drake terrifies me. 

My only hope for next year is that the bar is going to be set so low because of the 'pandemic' and I'm able to pass. I know I should be able to pass since I've been working pretty hard during 'lock-down' while everyone else is 3 months behind, but I still have a panic attack when I think about it.

It really doesn't help that my brain just wants to make me feel even worse by bringing up all the reasons why I didn't pass the first time, even though it was totally my fault... well mainly my fault... I wanna say is was 75% my fault 15% my ex boyfriend's fault (Which is technically my fault too) and 10% family shit, thats fair.. -ish.

I think the biggest disappointment would be if I failed the creative writing exam, because... well just read my fanfiction. I don't think I'd continue writing if I fail that, okay that's a lie I'd probably get better so I can shove it in their stupid white faces.